Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 139: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 9" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 139: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 9

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 21:30 (3,454 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-9/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 139, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 9.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

To this point, 2014 was my most active year of writing. I released four books – the first of which was the fourth installment of the LOL at the GOP series, entitled, LOL at the GOP – Volume 4: Guns, Jesus, Corporations, and Fetuses. Here are five excerpts from that book.

 

This first piece can be found on pages 9 through 12, and is titled, “The Obamascare.”

 

The Obamascare

Larry the Fable Guy: "Everyone run! Let's get out of here! It's coming!"

 

Jeff Cockworthy: "It is? Well, shoot. Looks like I'll have to leave my adult toys in the washer."

 

Bill Dingbat: "Can I put mine in your washer too? Mine isn't working."

 

Jeff: "We're getting out of here, numbnuts. I'm sure there will be plenty of adult toys wherever we wind up going."

 

Ron High: "Dudes, chill out. Can I at least finish my whiskey?"

 

Larry: "That's your eighth one, slick!"

 

Ron: "Yeah, I know. You guys go on without me. I'm just going to pass out over here by this lovely neighbor's mailbox. Hopefully the person that lives here is hot and takes care of me nice and good, if you know what I mean."

 

Larry: "Okay, fine! Jeff? Bill? Do you guys wanna stay here with Ron and die or are you coming with me to get away from this ensuing monster?"

 

Jeff: "I'm going with you, of course! I trust you're telling me the truth and I'm scared out of my overalls right now, I tell ya! Golly gee whiz!"

 

Bill: "Uh, yeah - what he said..."

 

Larry: "You sure you're not coming with us, Ron?"

 

Ron: ::snores::

 

Jeff: "I think he's done for, just like earlier today and again last night."

 

Larry: "I don't know about that guy sometimes. Well, it was nice knowing you, Ron. I wonder if Jesus drinks whiskey. Alright, well, anyway, we can't waste any more time, so here's what we must do – run as fast and as far as we possibly can until that monster is out of sight! Got it?"

 

Jeff: "Got it!"

 

Bill: "Huh?"

 

Jeff: "Just follow our lead, okay?"

 

Bill: "Okay"

 

Larry: "And let's go!"

 

::they start running::

 

Jim Bob-Joe-Smith Johnson: ::stops Larry:: "What's going on here? What are you all running from?"

 

Larry: "That thing over there! Do you see it? It's going to kill us all! It's like a Nazi and we're its Jews!"

 

Jim Bob-Joe-Smith: "Well, I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna run too!"

 

::they continue to run, before looking back, not seeing where they're going and getting struck by a car::

 

Taxi driver Mohammed Wheresmytip: ::gets out of his car to check on the people he hit:: "Oh no! What did I do? Are you guys okay?"

 

Larry: "I feel like I did on my wedding night, after my wife caught me with her sister."

 

Jeff: "I don't really feel anything, so I probably feel like our buddy Ron right now."

 

Bill: "I don't know. Ask one of them."

 

Jim Bob-Joe-Smith: "Ugh. I should have listened to the voice in my head which told me to never talk to strangers."

 

Mohammed: "I see an ambulance and some doctors right over there. I'll go get them." ::gets their attention::

 

Larry: "No! That's the monster we're running from! We can't let them take away our freedom!" ::tries crawling, but to no avail::

 

::ambulance arrives::

 

Doctor Francois Monstier: "Hey guys - what happened here?"

 

Larry: "We were running from you guys when this taxi driver crashed into us."

 

Francois: "Running from us? Huh. Have you guys been doing any drugs or anything tonight?"

 

Bill: "That one stuff"

 

Francois: "What stuff is that? Acid by any chance?"

 

Jeff: "No, he thinks Mentos look like big pills, so he thinks they're drugs and calls them 'that one stuff.'"

 

Francois: "I see. Well, it appears as if you are all pretty beat up right now, but after we get you to a hospital and get some work done on you, you shall be back on the road to a full recovery. How's that sound?"

 

Larry: "I don't wanna die! I want my freedom!"

 

Francois: "Well, good news on both fronts. You're not going to die and once you fully heal, you'll have as much freedom at that point as ever before."

 

Larry: "Huh? What about Obamacare? Aren't you going to kill us?"

 

Francois: ::laughs:: "Well, I'd tell you to lay off the drugs, but I'm about to give you some more, so I'll refrain from offering that bit of advice. After you get out of the hospital, though, I'd highly recommend you all get yourselves checked into rehab and get over these nasty drug habits of yours."

 

Bill: "That one stuff?"

 

Francois: "Yeah, especially that one... Alright, let's take them away."

 

Larry: "No! Not away! Freedom! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!"

 

Francois: "Make sure you knock this one out good. He's gone mad!"

 

Jeff: "Obamacare is a monster, though! We don't want microchips put in our heads!"

 

Francois: "Knock this one out too. We can't have them talking crazy like this while we're working on them."

 

Bill: "Monster? I don't like monsters!"

 

Francois: "Just go ahead and knock them all out. I'm starting to get a headache. Jesus, what is wrong with these people?"

 

This next writing is entitled, “Pat Robertson educates the world on magic gay rings,” and is on pages 31 through 33.

 

Pat Robertson educates the world on magic gay rings

There can be no mistaking it - televangelist Pat Robertson is crazier than Tom Cruise hopped up on speed while on the Oprah Winfrey Show. He's let loose more facepalm-inducing quotes than drunken Richard Pryor-impersonating sailors have let the F-bomb slip.

 

As a prime example, Robertson said the following on his show The 700 Club last August:

 

"You know what they do in San Francisco? Some in the gay community there, they want to get people. So if they got the stuff (AIDS) they'll have a ring, you shake hands and the ring's got a little thing where you cut your finger. Really. It's that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder."

 

Yeah, that kind of thing REALLY happens, Pat. Here's how such an event would transpire:

 

Lance Lancestopherson (the most flamboyant gay man in the world): ::ponders to himself:: "Who should I infect today with my magical AIDS ring? It's about time I get with the program and break this bad boy in like all the others in this city!"

 

Jack Mehoff: ::whistles "The Star-Spangled Banner"::

 

Lancestopherson: ::spots Jack:: "Ooh, he'll be the lucky one!"

 

Mehoff: ::continues whistling - getting to the part about bombs in the air::

 

Lancetopherson: ::approaches Mehoff and gently bumps into him:: "Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I got so distracted by that beautiful song you were whistling. I'm sorry. By the way, I'm Pat, Pat Robertson."

 

::goes to shake Jack's hand::

 

Mehoff: "Hi, Pat. Oh, that's alright. These kinds of things happen. I'm Jack, Jack Mehoff." ::reaches to shake Lance's hand::

 

::the two shake hands::

 

Mehoff: "Ow! What the hell was that? Why am I bleeding? What did you do?"

 

Lancetopherson: "Ha! Take that! You've got AIDS! Oh my God! What did you do to my ring? There's blood all over it! My beautiful ring!" ::slaps Jack across the face a few times:: "You bitch!"

Yeah, apparently there's homophobia, homoringophobia, and flipping nuts. If you answered D) – that Pat Robertson is all of those things - you would be correct!

 

This one is titled, “To one group, gun rights = gay rights,” and is on pages 37 through 41.

 

To one group, gun rights = gay rights

In May of last year, it appeared as if a die-hard gun rights group had been placing a number of posters around the Washington State Capitol, in an attempt to speak out against gun-control legislation by comparing such legislation to discrimination against gays.

 

One poster showcased two women holding one another, with the following words appearing alongside them - "Some people dislike gays. Others dislike guns. We should not base our laws on personal dislikes."

 

A second poster depicted two gay men holding guns (not the ones below their waists...), whom were surrounded by these words:

 

"We won our right to marry...now it's time to defend our right!"

 

"And we sure as hell aren't going to take shit from homophobes in the process!"

 

These are ridiculous arguments all the way around. On the first poster, it's comparing the rights of gays to the rights of guns - saying these rights shouldn't be taken away due to people's "personal dislikes." Since when was the gun debate about personal dislikes? I'm not a gun owner and doubt I will ever be one. However, if a person is a mentally-stable and law-abiding citizen, I couldn't care less if he or she purchased one or twenty-one guns. Just because I'm not a big-time gun enthusiast doesn't mean I don't feel guns should be legal for purchase by most Americans. My favoring gun-control legislation has

nothing to do with a personal dislike for guns and everything to do with a desire to reduce gun violence. If the creators of the poster feel it's wrong for me to personally dislike gun violence, then they may want to get some professional help.

 

With regard to the second poster, what is it trying to encourage exactly? That homosexuals become vigilantes against homophobes? As much as I am a gay-rights supporter, I do not in any way condone violence, even against those with whom I strongly disagree on the gay-rights issue. Also, what is this poster implying? That most gay Americans would have their guns taken from them if any kind of gun-control

legislation, like expanded background checks, passed? Do the poster's creators know that expanded background checks aren't regarding different ethnicities and sexual orientations? That it has to do with gun shows and Internet sales? Like I said, these posters are more off-base with their sad attempts of arguments than a runner in the outfield, who is supposed to be on first base. Yes, he would be out, just as these posters' creators are out of their gourds.

 

Even if we just take the general argument at hand here and compare gay rights to gun rights, that still doesn't make a bit of sense. Allow me to illustrate this point by reversing the two - treating guns like homosexuals in one fictional dialogue and treating homosexuals like guns in another.

 

Guns being treated like homosexuals

 

Location: A shooting range

 

Mike Iceps: "Hey, baby. How are you doing today?"

 

His gun, Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "What? Why are you down? Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

 

Mike's friend, Jimmy: "Hey! What the hell are you doing? The targets are that way! Are you trying to kill yourself?"

 

Iceps: "Mind your own business! I'm just having a man-to-man talk with Blow over here. Relax... So, baby, as I was saying, is something wrong? You seem quiet."

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "What? Come again?"

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "You're seeing someone else? You slut!"

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "Who is he? Who's the guy, and why?" ::starts crying::

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "Someone you met in Vermont? What's wrong with Alabama? ...and when in the world were you in Vermont?"

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "You were born there? So, you've always loved this guy? Why didn't you tell me?"

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "Well, let's move there! We can get married there, right?"

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "You're right. I won't leave this place. It's home to me. You're really going to leave me, aren't you?"

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "I drove you here. What, are you going to take a taxi out of here?"

 

Blow: " "

 

Iceps: "I see. Well, can I have one last kiss, for old time's sake?"

 

::Iceps and Blow make-out::

 

Jimmy: "What in the hell is going on here?"

 

Iceps: "Shut-up, Jimmy! You're just jealous that you were never in this much love with a person! Goodbye, my sweet Blow. Goodbye."

 

Homosexuals being treated like guns

Location: Gun store

 

Customer Jo Jo Johnson: "How much is it for one of those gays?"

 

Owner Hunter Head: "Which one?"

 

Johnson: "That one behind you?"

 

Head: "Ooh, that's a top-of-the-line gay right there. I'll give him to you for $500."

 

Johnson: "I'll take him! It is my birthday and my pa told me he'd give me the money to buy my own gay if I wanted, and I sure as heck wanted to!"

 

Head: "Well, happy birthday! Is this your first gay?"

 

Johnson: "Yup - my first gay! My pa will be so proud! He's always wanted to show me how to handle a gay! It'll make him see that I'm a real man now!"

 

Head: "Ha-ha. I bet! Well, just fill out this paperwork and you'll soon be on your way to gay-bonding with your father!"

 

Johnson: "Thanks, mister."

 

Head: "Thank you. Here you are, and be careful with the guy. We don't want him blowing his load too quickly now."

 

Johnson: "I'll be careful. Thanks again."

 

On pages 67 through 69 you can find the following bit of writing, entitled, “Believers in the invisible, but not of the observable.”

 

Believers in the invisible, but not of the observable

It cracks me up to hear people whom are certain of God's existence claim that global warming is a hoax. The following two scenarios will better illustrate just how I see such individuals.

 

Experiment #1

 

Scientist Mike Theory: "So, you don't believe in global warming, correct?"

 

Donald Dump: "Of course not! It's nothing but a hoax!"

 

Theory: "So why are the polar ice caps melting then?"

 

Dump: "It's all part of God's plan apparently."

 

Theory: ::takes an ice cube out of a freezer and places it on a table:: "Do you see this ice cube?"

 

Dump: "Yes..."

 

Theory: "I just took it out of the freezer. Notice how it's getting smaller?"

 

Dump: "Yes..."

 

Theory: "Why is that do you think?"

 

Dump: "Because it's warmer in here than in the freezer! Duh!"

 

Theory: "Very good. So, take that knowledge and apply it to what we talked about earlier. Why are the polar ice caps melting again? Because it's getting w...a...r..."

 

Dump: "It's part of God's plan."

 

Theory: "Ugh. I give up."

 

 

Experiment #2

 

Scientist Mike Theory: "You're a big believer in God - is that correct?"

 

Donald Dump: "Yes, of course."

 

Theory: "Could you point him out to me please?"

 

Dump: "Oh, he's all around us."

 

Theory: "Okay - show me."

 

Dump: "You can't see him?"

 

Theory: "I'm asking you to point him out to me."

 

Dump: "Just look around you. He's everywhere."

 

Theory: "I see a table, a couple of chairs, some pencils, books, and a few other things. What does God look like, so I know how to spot him?"

 

Dump: "I don't know. I think he's white and has a beard."

 

Theory: "You don't know? I thought you said you could see him and he was all around us. If that's true, then how can you not know what he looks like?"

 

Dump: "I said he's white with a beard!”

 

Theory: "So, he looks kind of like Santa Claus?"

 

Dump: "No - God's beard never goes white!"

 

Theory: "So, perhaps more like Zach Galifianakis then?"

 

Dump: "Who?"

 

Theory: "Nevermind. Well, I hate to tell you this, but I don't see a white man with a beard in here – do you?"

 

Dump: "That's because you're not looking!"

 

Theory: "We're the only two people in here..."

 

Dump: "...and God..."

 

Theory: "Jesus..."

 

Dump: "He's here too."

 

Theory: "Where?"

 

Dump: "Everywhere"

 

Theory: ::sighs:: "I'm afraid we'll have to end this experiment now, so I can go out and have myself a drink. Have a nice life..."

 

Dump: "And after-life!"

 

Theory: "Sure..."

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing is on pages 93 through 96, and is titled, “To Bill O’Reilly, marijuana = Russian roulette.”

 

To Bill O'Reilly, marijuana = Russian roulette

With marijuana officially becoming legal for recreational purposes in Colorado, Fox News host and man known to scream his own name during sex - Bill O'Reilly - has made some rather bizarre statements on the new law.

 

On January 6th of this year, O'Reilly said the following on his own show, The O'Reilly Factor:

 

"...Let's take it step by step. If you use any intoxicating agent, your goal is to leave reality. You're not satisfied with your current state of mind, you want to get high, buzzed, blasted, whatever. Some adults can handle that on occasion, others cannot, so it's literally Russian roulette, but putting intoxicating agents in the hands of children can be devastating."

 

Either O'Reilly doesn't know what the word "literally" means or he's not well educated about Russian roulette. I suppose it's also quite possible he's not very cognizant about either. In any case, I'd like to bring Mr. O'Reilly up to speed on the two.

 

According to the dictionary, literally means, "Actually; without exaggeration or inaccuracy," and Russian roulette is defined as, "A stunt in which one spins the cylinder of a revolver loaded with only one bullet, aims the muzzle at one's head, and pulls the trigger."

 

Yes, Mr. O'Reilly, consuming marijuana is "literally" like Russian roulette. Given the Fox News host's quote, it seems to me he thinks doing weed is reminiscent of the following scenario:

 

Setting: At a college student's apartment

 

Mario Hash: "Okay, guys - here are the rules. I've made six brownies, but only one of them has ganja in it. We'll take turns eating a brownie, before one of us is no longer here - well, in a way, I guess. Are you guys ready?"

 

::the rest of the group nods::

 

Mario: "Okay, I'll go first." ::eats a brownie:: "Mm… That's some good stuff. Well, I think I got lucky. I'm not feeling anything. We'll go clockwise, so, up next is the guy to my left - Luigi."

 

Luigi Green: ::eats a brownie:: "Damn, man. You sure outdid yourself this time! I think I got lucky too. Whew. Okay - next?"

 

Yoshi Herbal: ::eats a brownie:: "Whoa! I wish I could eat the rest of them!"

 

Mario: "Ha-ha! I think we know who found the ganja!"

 

Yoshi: "Naw, man. I'm just hungry. This is the first thing I've eaten all day, well, since those five Whoppers I had a couple of hours ago."

 

Mario: "Dang, man. I can't believe how much you've been eating since Sumo wrestling training started. Well, okay. It was just a false alarm, people. Daisy, I believe you're next..."

 

Daisy Token: ::starts eating a brownie:: "I don't know that I can eat all this, guys. I'm already feeling fat!"

 

Yoshi: "I'll take that if you're not going to have it, Daisy."

 

Mario: "That's against our rules! Come on, Daisy - just two more bites..." ::she eats the rest::

 

Daisy: "Ugh. I feel like I'm going to throw up."

 

Luigi: "You tend to do that a lot after you eat. Are you a balsamic or something?"

 

Mario: "You mean bulimic?"

 

Luigi: "Yeah, well, maybe... So, are you?"

 

Daisy: "No, I'm neither. I just hardly ever eat this stuff."

 

Mario: "Okay, I think we know Daisy didn't consume any of the special herbs. Alright, we're down to two. Bowser, you're up now..."

 

Bowser Inhales: ::eats a brownie:: "Yum, yum, yum, yum"

 

Mario: "Hmm... Okay. Well, the jury may still be out on Bowser. He certainly seemed to enjoy it, though. Wario, you're the last one. Best of luck!"

 

Wario Chong: ::eats a brownie and dies instantly::

 

Mario: "That poor, unlucky bastard. Well, now that that's over, let's do something a bit less risky and shoot ourselves in our heads."

 

It's just like Bill O'Reilly said:

 

"...Let's take it step by step. If you use any intoxicating agent, your goal is to leave reality. You're not satisfied with your current state of mind, you want to get high, buzzed, blasted, whatever. Some adults can handle that on occasion, others cannot, so it's literally Russian roulette, but putting intoxicating agents in the hands of children can be devastating."

 

Yeah, with ignorance as his intoxicating agent, it appears as if Bill O'Reilly left reality long ago...

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $10.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.