Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 137: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 7" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 137: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 7

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 25:04 (4,281 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-7/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 137, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 7.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

Well, the Republican Party was dishing out so much comedy gold, I decided to keep the LOL at the GOP series going in 2013, with LOL at the GOP – Volume 2: 47% Awesome 100% of the Time. In my opinion, this book was a vast improvement from the first in the series, as it’s a great deal more polished. I’m not sure I’d say it’s my favorite in the series, but honestly, the books are pretty consistent from volumes 2 through 7, so it’d be difficult for me to ultimately pick a favorite. Here now are five excerpts from the book.

 

This first writing can be found on pages 15 and 16, and is titled, “A Half-Baked Mormon.”

 

A Half-Baked Mormon

Not long before election day, when asked if he was going to be campaigning more as the election drew nearer, Mitt Romney said: "Ha ha. We're in the stretch, aren't we? Look at those clouds. It's beautiful. Look at those things."

 

After reading that quote, how else could we explain Romney's words other than he was high at the time?

 

Having read that odd quote by Mr. Romney, I envision him answering the following questions in a similar manner:

 

Question: "Mr. Romney - the public doesn't seem to be warming up to the Romney/Ryan plan for Medicare. How do you plan on winning them over on that front?”

 

Romney: "Yes, that's true. Did you watch the game last night? Good game. The ball was really large. It just kind of stuck out. Very pretty."

 

 

Question: "Mr. Romney, sir - why do you suppose you're down in the polls?"

 

Romney: "Ah - polls. I could really go for some Polish sausage right now. Does anyone have any Polish sausage on them? Mm... Polish sausage. Polls. Yum."

 

 

Question: "What do you say to the people who feel that you've flip-flopped on healthcare reform?"

 

Romney: "I care about health - that's why it's called healthcare. Ha ha. Ooh, it's raining now. Whenever it rains, I feel like singing 'In the Navy' and dancing. Oh, here I go again. I've got moves. Would you all excuse me for a moment? I must be one with Mother Nature and her music."

 

 

Question: "The American people feel that raising taxes on the wealthiest is the right thing to do. How do you plan on convincing them otherwise?"

 

Romney: "Money is good. I like money. It's paper and paper is good. I made a paper airplane this morning and flew it all about the galaxy. It was so much fun."

 

 

Question: "Mr. Romney - do you regret your 47% comments?"

 

Romney: "47, 54, 2, 9, 6, 18, 49, 17, 3... Ooh, did you see that grass over there? It's so green! Green's fun to say. Green, green, green, green... la la la la..."

 

This next writing is called, “Comparing Apples to Unicycles,” and can be found on pages 39 through 41.

 

Comparing Apples to Unicycles

Shortly after Hurricane Sandy struck the northeastern part of the country, Republican nominee Mitt Romney canceled a campaign rally in the critical battleground state of Ohio - the city of Kettering to be exact - and held a disaster-relief event in one Kettering, Ohio instead. At this rally - I mean, disaster-relief event - Romney shared a story with Ohioans which showcased that he is just as capable of leading in the wake of a natural disaster as President Obama when he illustrated this in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy.

 

According to Romney, his own Hurricane Sandy went as follows:

 

"I remember once we had a football field at my high school. The field was covered with rubbish and paper goods from people who'd had a big celebration there at the game. And there was a group of us there assigned to clean it up. And I thought, 'how are we going to clean up all the mess on this football field?' There were just a few of us. And the person responsible for organizing the effort said, 'Just line up along the yard lines. You go between the goal line and the 10-yard line, and the next person between the 10 and the 20, and just walk down and do your lane. And if everybody cleans their lanes, we'll get it done.' And so today, we're cleaning one lane if you will."

 

That's right - Mitt Romney compared a storm which has resulted in 8.5 million homes losing power and over 50 people losing their lives to a football field covered with "rubbish and paper goods."

 

In light of Mitt making that insane comparison in an attempt to make himself look like a born leader ready to be President of the United States, I'm going to provide some other like comparisons I think Romney has either already made or will make at some point in the future.

 

 

Event: Tornado damage in the Plains States

 

Romney comparison: "Looking at all the destruction done to this area, it reminds me of a time when I was a kid. One night I had a sleepover. After everyone went home the next day, I looked at my room and it was a mess. You wouldn't believe how many bottles of water were lying around, how many snacks - like fruits and vegetables - were scattered about. There were at least six or seven Book of Mormon's on the floor, which my friends must have left by accident. I never thought the room would be clean again, but guess what? I was able to do it - in just about a half hour, I think. That's what we're

going to do here. The four states that were hit by this devastating tornado are exactly like my room that day and they too will take just about 15-30 minutes to clean up."

 

 

Event: Earthquake on the West Coast

 

Romney comparison: "An old friend of mine drove a truck and when I first got in, it felt as if the world was shaking. I was scared for my life, held onto the handle with all my might, and asked what was going on. This music was just blaring from his speakers - rap, I think it was. It felt like the entire truck, the world was shaking to the point where I said a prayer, asking the Lord to save my life. My friend then told me to relax - that it was just the subwoofers or something like that. So, please know that I understand what you're all going through after having to experience that earthquake yesterday, which

registered 8.4 on the Richter scale I believe it was. Once I turned the volume off, the shaking stopped. My prayer had been answered. It was a miracle! Whenever another earthquake hits, just say a prayer, turn the volume off, and everything will be okay."

 

 

Event: Terrorist attack

 

Romney comparison: "Terrorists are the most frightening people in the world! It's hard for me to describe them in words. Whenever I hear or read about one of their atrocious acts, I immediately think of these neighborhood bullies, who once attacked a snow-fort some friends of mine and I had made. They were really coming after it with snowballs and more snowballs. It left my friends and I really scared. After we told our parents, the bullies got into trouble and never bothered us again. After I get through with these terrorists, like I did with the neighborhood bullies, they'll never bother us again! That's a promise!"

 

This next writing can be found on pages 43 through 49, and is entitled, “Welcome to the new political game show, Guess Who?”

 

Welcome to the new political game show, Guess Who?

"This is Will Ferrell, coming to you live from Compton, California, with the premiere of the brand-new game show, Guess Who? In this game, we will try to get to know presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama a little better. For this episode, we asked both of them a series of questions and the three contestants will have to guess which candidate provided us with these very answers. The questions will range from something political to something personal. The two candidates' voices will be

masked with a program which makes them both sound like the one, the only Bobcat Goldthwait. Whomever comes up with the most correct answers will win our grand prize - a week's worth of free wings at Hooters! Now, let's meet our contestants. She's single. She's from Compton. Here she is - Melissa! You look familiar, Melissa. Do you happen to work at Hooters?"

 

Melissa: "For going on ten years strong!"

 

Ferrell: "Your folks must be very proud."

 

Melissa: "So are my eleven kids!"

 

Ferrell: "I bet they are. Moving on - we have Jim-Bob from it says 'somewhere down south.' Where is that exactly?"

 

Jim-Bob: "I dunno - you know, south and (bleep)."

 

Ferrell: "Okay then. Lastly, this can't be right. We have Sean Connery and it says 'from your mother's vagina.' So, you're my brother, are you?"

 

Connery: "That's right, Ferrell! ...and that's not all..."

 

Ferrell: "Dare I ask? What else?"

 

Connery: "I met your wife the other night."

 

Ferrell: "Oh really? Where at?"

 

Connery: "At this bar called 'Cheap and Easy.'"

 

Ferrell: "That's only because she works there. Shall we get on with the game?"

 

Connery: "This is going to be easy - just like your wife!"

 

Ferrell: "That was completely uncalled for, Mr. Connery. Okay, Melissa, Jim-Bob, Sean - let's get started, shall we? We're going to hear a series of questions and quotes, and then you'll have to answer who you think said each of these quotes - either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama. After all the questions have been asked, we'll then go through the answers and declare a very lucky winner. Here we go... First question - 'What are your feelings on abortion?'"

 

1) Goldthwait: "I believe in adding an amendment to the Constitution to outlaw all abortions, even in the cases of rape, incest, the mother's health being in jeopardy, or alien abduction."

 

2) Goldthwait: "I believe that women should have the right to choose what to do with their bodies when pregnant."

 

Ferrell: "Please answer either Romney or Obama for both quotes. You'll have ten seconds to do so. During these ten seconds, we'll play our theme song - courtesy of George Michael - 'I Want Your Sex.' Good luck."

 

Connery: "Your wife wanted my sex the other night, Ferrell!"

 

Ferrell: "Answer the question. You now have five seconds."

 

Connery: "Yeah, yeah, yeah..."

 

Ferrell: "Okay, now for question #2 - 'What are your thoughts on healthcare reform?'"

 

1) Goldthwait: "I believe it's the government's duty to make certain that all people have health insurance, so yes - I believe in healthcare reform."

 

2) Goldthwait: "I believe that government mandating healthcare is not what our Founding Fathers would have ever wanted. It's the first step toward socialism, as it's trampling upon our liberties! That's what it says in the Bible too. Jesus was against people being healthy. That's a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia."

 

Ferrell: "Once again, you'll have ten seconds to mark both quotes with either Romney or Obama."

 

George Michael: "I want your sex. I want you. I want your...sex."

 

Ferrell: "That brings us to question #3 - 'Do you believe in gun control?'"

 

1) Goldthwait: "I believe the 2nd Amendment is one of our founding principles and think that all people should be allowed to have guns - including felons, blind men, and infants."

 

2) Goldthwait: "Studies have shown that gun control laws work, so I think it's important that we enforce certain laws to make sure guns don't fall into the wrong hands."

 

Connery: "My gun can't control itself when I'm around your wife, Ferrell, if you know what I mean..."

 

Ferrell: "I've had about enough of you!"

 

Connery: "Your wife told me the other night she could never get enough of me!"

 

Ferrell: "Okay, time's up for answering that question. Here is question #4 - 'True or False - Have you ever lied to the American people?'"

 

1) Goldthwait: "If I'm being honest, I'd have to say true."

 

2) Goldthwait: "False. It can't be proven anyway; at least that's what my imaginary friend tells me."

 

George Michael: "It's playing on my mind. It's dancing on my soul. It's taken so much time. So why don't you just let me go. I'd really like to try..."

 

Ferrell: "Now for our fifth and final question - 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'"

 

1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife."

 

Ferrell: "Dammit, Connery! I told you to cut it out!"

 

Connery: "I told you she was easy, Ferrell, but that wasn't me..."

Ferrell: "::sighs:: Okay, we'll go through the quotes one more time. The question was 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'"

 

1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife."

 

2) Goldthwait: "No - never. What kind of question is that?"

 

George Michael: "Sex is natural - sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Sex is natural - sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one on one..."

 

Ferrell: "Okay, pens down. Now, let me see a show of hands - how many of you answered all five questions?"

 

::Melissa, Jim-Bob, and Sean raise their hands::

 

Ferrell: "Okay - that's good. How many of you answered each and every question using Obama's name once as well as Romney's?"

 

::the three contestants raise their hands again::

 

Ferrell: "I've just been handed all your answers to either confirm or deny what you all just told me by raising your hands. That's what I figured. I'm sorry, but none of you answered a single question correctly, so I'm afraid I'll be the one getting free wings at Hooters for a week."

 

Melissa: "Eh, what? How's that like possible and stuff?"

 

Jim-Bob: "Y'all don't know whatcha talkin' 'bout! Dat's messed up!"

 

Connery: "What's the story, Ferrell? Did you screw us harder than I screwed your..."

Ferrell: "Watch it, Sean! No, the fact of the matter is that each and every quote was said by Mitt Romney. Barack Obama wasn't the source of any of those quotes. So, since all of you answered Romney and Obama for each and every question, I'm afraid none of you will be getting a free week's worth of wings at Hooters."

 

Jim-Bob: "I don't get it. What'd he just say?"

 

Connery: "That's dirty, Ferrell! Dirtier than your..."

 

Ferrell: "Sorry to cut you off, but I'm afraid it's time to wrap this up. Thanks to our three contestants, our audience, our viewers at home, and of course, Mitt Romney. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and will be back next week to watch a brand-new episode of Guess Who?"

 

This next piece is called, “The Thin Line Between Maker and Taker,” and is on pages 57 through 60.

 

The Thin Line Between Maker and Taker

Joe Bush: "Do you see that building over there, little Joey?"

 

Joey Bush: "Yeah..."

 

Joe: "I built that!"

 

Joey: "Really? All by yourself?"

 

Joe: "That's right!"

 

Joey: "How long ago was that?"

 

Joe: "Well, your great-grandpa is the one that started it, so it's been around for a while now."

 

Joey: "...and you built that?"

 

Joe: "You betcha! ...and someday, when you're my age, you'll get to tell people the same thing – that you built that!"

 

Joey: "Wow! I'm gonna build a lot of things, aren't I, dad?"

 

Joe: "You bet you are! You already have!"

 

Joey: "I have? Like what, dad?"

 

Joe: "That backpack you wear to school every day - you built that!"

 

Joey: "Really?"

 

Joe: "Yeah - you own it, place it on your back, and put it to work every day, right?"

 

Joey: "That's right!"

 

Joe: "So, you built it! You know that tricycle my mistress and I bought for you? You built that too!"

 

Joey: "I did? I don't remember doing that."

 

Joe: "You rode it, right? It's yours. You built it."

 

Joey: "Did I build the piece of paper I wrote on earlier - in that love note I sent Brian?"

 

Joe: "Say what? Brian?"

 

Joey: "Uh... I mean, Brianne. Yeah - Brianne."

 

Joe: "Ha. I was going to say - you and I would need to talk about that. But yes, you built that piece of paper as well."

 

Joey: "That's so cool! I'm going to tell all my friends!"

 

Joe: "You're a maker, little Joey, just like me. There are makers and takers in this world. There are makers like you and I - ones that take full credit for building things that were passed down to us through the generations, and takers - the ones that don't inherit anything and to whom we pay minimal amounts of money to build things for us. Do you get it?"

 

Joey: "Wait. So, someone else built that building over there, but you built it all by yourself?"

 

Joe: "Exactly!"

 

Joey: "I don't get it…"

 

Joe: "You will someday, my son. You will someday. Just like my dad was proud of me for being his son and giving me his business, I'll one day proudly hand this business over to you and do you know why?"

 

Joey: "Why, dad?"

 

Joe: "Because you built that!"

 

Joey: "Huh? I did?"

 

Joe: "But, of course."

 

Joey: "I still don't get it. Should we get a taxi, so we can meet up with that Stella lady again?"

 

Joe: "No, no. Taxi drivers are takers. They're just mooching off the makers like you and I."

 

Joey: "But did the taxi drivers build the taxis like I built my tricycle?"

 

Joe: "Yes, I suppose so."

 

Joey: "So, you can be a maker and a taker? I'm so confused!"

 

Joe: "Just stop thinking, my son. Just stop thinking like I did many years ago and suddenly, everything will all make sense."

 

Joey: "Okay, dad. I'll stop thinking, just for you."

 

Joe: "That's better. Now let's go grab us some food."

 

Joey: "That we made?"

 

Joe: "No, silly - that someone else made."

 

Joey: "So we're going to be the takers now?"

 

Joe: "Never! I told you to stop thinking, junior."

 

Joey: "Can we at least say we made it?"

 

Joe: "Now you're catching on! Now let's go and get that food!"

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing is titled, “The Socialist Bay,” and is on pages 76 through 80.

 

The Socialist Baby

Setting: A married couple sitting in their doctor's office

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Beelzebub. How are you both doing today?"

 

Joseph and Mary Beelzebub: "Good, and you?"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Fine. Thanks for asking. Well, let's get right to it, shall we? I got the test results back and have some wonderful news for the two of you! You're going to have a baby! Congratulations!"

 

Mary: "Really?"

 

Joseph: "Yeah, doc - are you sure?"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm 100% positive. You two sound less than thrilled. It's pretty common for new parents to be nervous when they first discover they'll be having a baby. However, I have to ask - are you two certain you want to have this baby? We're at an early enough stage where abortion is still a legal option. If you're not wanting to go through that, but don't feel like you're ready to raise a child yet, you could also give the child up for adoption."

 

Joseph: "Abortion is murder, doc! There's no way we'll opt for that!"

 

Mary: "I agree."

Dr. Shihtzu: "That's fine. I was just pointing out that it was an option. What do you two want to do then?"

 

Joseph: "Well, I think we want to keep and raise the child ourselves, but just don't think the kid will be ready for the real world quite yet. I think we're both worried about that. Am I right, hun?"

 

Mary: "Oh, absolutely."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "That's a common worry for new parents as well. Trust me, though - with the guidance of wonderful parents such as yourselves, one day your child will definitely be ready for the real world!"

 

Joseph: "I don't think you're understanding us here. Right after the child is born, we want it to live on its own."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm confused. So you do want to give the child up for adoption?"

 

Joseph: "No. Right after the baby's born, we want it to go out and get a job, buy a house, make a decent living, and make us proud. Right, honey?"

 

Mary: "That's right, sweetie."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Eh, that's not going to be possible, I'm afraid. There would be some serious legal ramifications for that."

 

Joseph: "Look, doc - we just don't want our kid to grow up being a socialist. Any kind of control my wife and I have over his life at any point will be bad. We can't have him growing up being solely dependent on us to survive. He's gotta make it on his own, whether he's 20 years old or 2 minutes old."

Dr. Shihtzu: "What about during the child's earliest stages? How will she be able to feed herself? To find shelter? To become educated? To earn money?"

 

Joseph: "I don't know. That's not our problem. She needs to become a responsible, independent adult, and not some moocher that sucks from my wife and I's tits."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "I beg your pardon?"

 

Joseph: "You heard me..."

 

Mary: "Doc - what are we supposed to do? If we feed our baby, she'll wind up with food stamps! If we buy things for her, she'll always be on welfare! If we provide her shelter, she'll never leave! We're just trying to do the good Christian thing and raise our baby right."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "By not raising him at all..."

 

Joseph: "Do you gotta problem, doc?"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Yes, actually, but that's besides the point. Let me ask you two something - have either of you ever gotten government assistance for anything?"

 

Joseph and Mary: "No!"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Never? Have either of you been on Medicaid?"

 

Joseph: "Still am."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Have you ever gotten student loans?"

 

Mary: "Yes."

Dr. Shihtzu: "Okay then - so you both have received government assistance at certain points in your lives - actually, it sounds like you've received some kind of assistance for pretty much all of your lives..."

 

Joseph: "But that's different..."

 

Mary: "We just don't want our child to grow up like us and have to go through all that we did."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "That's understandable. How do you feel your lives would be different if your parents did to you what you plan on doing to your child, and letting you go out on your own from day one?"

 

Joseph: "I'd be a better man - stronger, more responsible, and definitely more smarter!"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "How would you have survived on your own without some form of assistance from your parents?"

 

Joseph: "I would have gotten a job as a doctor, bought a car, bought a house, and..."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Where would you have gotten the money necessary for the car and house?"

 

Joseph: "From my high-paying job, of course! You should know that, doc!"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "Okay - how would you have gotten yourself a job as a doctor without the proper education?"

 

Joseph: "I would have educated myself. Like I said - I'd be way more smarter today if my parents had left me at the hospital!"

Dr. Shihtzu: "So, you say you would have bought a car. How would you have driven it? You have to be a few years older than that of a newborn in order legally drive an automobile."

 

Joseph: "I would have found a way."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "How would you have been able to see over the steering wheel? Been able to place your foot on the gas or the brake?"

 

Joseph: "I'd pray and it would then happen."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "How big were you as a baby?"

 

Joseph: "A couple pounds. I was born pretty early."

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "So, you're telling me that a two-pound baby such as yourself would have been fine with operating a motor vehicle?"

 

Joseph: "Yeah - definitely!"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "I'm thinking you'd need more than prayers to accomplish that feat! Alright, well, I honestly can't take much more of this. I think I'm going to need to leave early today, do several shots at a bar, and have a taxi take me home..."

 

Joseph: "A taxi? You socialist!"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "I wasn't finished. Before I do that, I will be calling an excellent doctor in the area for the two of you. I'm going to request that he gives you both an extremely thorough psychiatric evaluation. After he's completed that, we'll just take things from there - likely at the asylum not far from here…"

 

Joseph: "Wait - psycho what? Evolution?"

 

Dr. Shihtzu: "No, Joseph - in fact, I think you have single-handedly made me rethink things regarding evolution. Anyway, I hope you two have a great rest of your afternoon. That doctor I told you about - Dr. Zap - will be in touch here shortly, and in more ways than one I'm guessing. Take care."

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $10.50 on Lulu and on Kindle for $3.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.