Transcript for Podcasts: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 141: "Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 11" is now available!

Podcast: I Feel Snitty

Episode 141: Take a Look, It's in My Book, It's a Reading Promo - Part 11

Premiere Date: 5/5/21 

Length: 12:39 (2,018 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/take-a-look-its-in-my-book-its-a-reading-promo-part-11/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 141, entitled, “Take a Look, It’s in My Book, It’s a Reading Promo – Part 11.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

Like I did with the first volume of The Kind-Hearted Smartass, I created a less vulgar, less offensive rendition to the second installment of the series. It was the last time I did this, because in all honesty, who gives a bleep? So, here it is – five excerpts from my third book of 2014, The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck – Volume 2: The Wisecracks Continue.

 

The first piece I’ll be sharing with you today can be found on pages 17 through 19, and is titled, “Germaphobic Nymphomaniacs.”

 

Germaphobic Nymphomaniacs

I find it so odd that alleged germaphobes can also be nymphomaniacs (male or female, even though I know the term is technically used for females). I know some people whom won't drink out of the same glass as another, will wash their hands more than they utter words throughout the course of a day, get freaked out about food and silverware at restaurants, yet when it comes to sex, they sleep around more than Gene Simmons of Kiss did during the prime of his career.

 

Hand-holding? Gross.

 

Penal-vaginal penetration? Yes, please.

 

When thinking about such individuals, I picture the following dialogue occurring between them and another at some point in time:

 

Setting: Two friends having dinner at Hooter's

 

::Germy Nympho's friend takes a fry off her plate::

 

Germy Nympho: "Ooh, that's gross! Did you wash your hands?"

 

Friend: "Before I came here, yeah"

 

Germy Nympho: "Oh my God! That's so sick! I can't eat any of these now! Here - let me give you all the fries."

 

Friend: "Wow... Seriously?"

 

Germy Nympho: "For real"

 

Friend: "Okay... Well, thanks, I guess..."

 

Germy Nympho: "You know how big of a germaphobe I am! Ugh! I've got the chills now! That grosses me out so much!"

 

Friend: "You need to chill. I wash my hands fairly regularly. Don't worry - I'm not going to get you sick or anything. Alright? Anyway, let's talk about something else. Are you seeing anyone?"

 

Germy Nympho: "That's funny."

 

Friend: "Why's that funny?"

 

Germy Nympho: "Well, let's see here. There was Todd on Monday, Mike on Tuesday, Jeff on Wednesday, and Tim, Bob, and Horatio yesterday."

 

Friend: "Holy cow! So, what? You're dating a few guys and just trying to find the right one?"

 

Germy Nympho: "Not exactly..."

Friend: "So, wait... What? I'm confused."

 

Germy Nympho: "What can I say? I love sex. I slept with all of those guys. I have an orgy to go to late tonight."

 

Friend: "Oh my gosh! You used protection, right?"

 

Germy Nympho: "No - who does that?"

 

Friend: "Eh, aren't you afraid of getting pregnant, or knowing you, STDs?"

 

Germy Nympho: "Nah. You only live once, right?"

 

Friend: "I suppose. Hey, are you done with your water? Mind if I have a sip?" ::touches Germy Nympho's glass::

 

Germy Nympho: "Hands off my glass, okay?!? I just can't go anywhere with you, can I? That's disgusting! You know what? I think I'm going to go. I'll pay my half of the bill and then head to that orgy. That way you won't be able to touch any more of my things!"

 

This next writing is called, “The Top Ten Groupie Disqualifiers,” and can be found on pages 33 and 34.

 

The Top Ten Groupie Disqualifiers

A couple of summers ago, I went to an ’80s theme party dressed up as an ’80s rock star. On the front of my '80s-rocker costume (I simply called it Craig on a Saturday night, because let's be honest - that's how I always dress on Saturdays) was a sign I created which said, "Hey baby, wanna be my groupie?" and on the back, I concocted a top ten list of groupie disqualifiers. Here they are:

 

My Top Ten Groupie Disqualifiers

10) You've slept with one of the following people: Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlain, Mister Rogers, or The Pope.

 

9) After sleeping with you, 94% of guys immediately look at you, begin to cry, and then say, "I think I might be gay."

 

8) You think Kama (comma) Sutra is a kind of punctuation used in India.

 

7) You've been cordially greeted by multiple sumo wrestlers, as they feel you're one of them.

 

6) Debbie Downer is forced to take Prozac before, during, and after speaking to you.

 

5) You have what is known as golf-enthusiast's Tourette's syndrome in the bedroom, as just before fornicating, you repeatedly yell out, "Get in the hole!"

 

4) Just from looking at you, guys feel an itchy, burning sensation in their nether-region.

 

3) In response to touching your legs, an ex gave you the nickname, "Porcupine.”

 

2) Your favorite sex toy you refer to as "The Destroyer.”

 

1) When asked about you, Charlie Sheen responded with, "That chick is nuts!"

 

The next writing is entitled, “I’ve got a beef with Meat Loaf,” and is on pages 47 through 49.

 

I've got a beef with Meat Loaf

The past couple of times I've ventured to a bar, Meat Loaf's hit song "I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)" has made its appearance known via a jukebox. From the first time I heard that song 21 years ago to my recent bar ventures, I laugh during the chorus. Why? Because it makes absolutely no sense.

 

Granted, there are many songs with lyrics that don't make a whole lot of sense unless a person is high on coke, drunk on Everclear, and involved in an orgy at four in the morning following a concert in New York City. However, I think why I laugh so hysterically at the before-mentioned song is the fact that it's the chorus - the portion of the song that gets repeated more than "I love Jesus" by Rick Santorum at church on Sundays - that doesn't make a bit of sense.

 

Time and time again, Meat Loaf sings, "I would do anything for love. I would do anything for love. I would do anything for love, but I won't do that."

 

I don't care what this “thing” is that he won't do. Whether it's falling asleep on the Autobahn in Germany or going down on Gene Simmons, it is really of no relevance. It's still not going to make any sense.

 

According to the dictionary, "anything" means "any thing whatever; something, no matter what."

 

If one were to look at the thesaurus, the following synonyms would be discovered: All, anything at all, and everything.

 

When Meat Loaf says he would do anything for love, then that's it. There can be no buts. If he wanted to maintain that element of there being an exception to the rule of doing anything for love, he could have worded it as follows: "I would do almost anything for love. However, I've got to be honest - I'm not going to do that." No, it may not be as catchy and may need some condensing in order for it to work musically, however, it makes a hell of a lot more sense than the actual lyrics.

 

The chorus is contradictory. What Meat Loaf is essentially saying is, "I would do anything and everything for love, but I won't do anything and everything."

 

If Meat Loaf's actual lyrics were the words from a romantic comedy satire, then it could work. Like I said, I can't help but laugh any time I hear the chorus. I don't believe that was the artist's intention when writing the song, but that's just a hunch.

 

It's just comical. Never will the following dialogue present itself in a romance film:

 

Man: "I just want you to know, I would do anything and I mean anything for you and your love."

 

Woman: "Really? Do you really mean that? Anything?"

 

Man: "Absolutely anything, sweetie. I love you more than anything. Of course I would do anything and everything for your love."

 

Woman: "That's so sweet! I love you too! So, you'd even skydive without a parachute?"

 

Man: "I'd rather not, but yes. Like I said, anything…"

 

Woman: "You'd run around a nursing home completely naked?"

 

Man: "You're funny, but yes, I would. Like I said, anything, sweetheart. I love you!"

 

Woman: "I love you too! Marry me!"

 

Man: "...but I won't do that."

 

Yeah, after hearing these lyrics, I would do anything to send Meat Loaf back to school to earn an English degree, and yes, I would do that. Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing "anything" now, would I?

 

This next piece is titled, “Awkward Moments with Brent Musburger,” and can be found on pages 75 and 76.

 

Awkward Moments with Brent Musburger

So, I just heard (from an anonymous source in my mind) that then 73-year-old Brent Musburger watched Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron's girlfriend more often than he watched the national championship game last year.

 

Kirk Herbstreit caught Musburger in la-la land on a couple of occasions, which led to these back-and-forths:

 

Musburger: "What penetration!"

 

Herbstreit: "By the defense..."

 

Musburger: "Yeah, that's it. Where was I going with that? Do you see, folks? This is what happens when you get to be my age. Can we get another shot of McCarron's girlfriend again? Wow... If I ever had a wife that looked like that... Whew... Well, I won't go into details folks."

 

Herbstreit: "Thanks for that..."

 

and

 

Musburger: "...and the ball goes deep, very deep, oh so deep..."

 

Herbstreit: "It was dropped like 5 seconds ago."

 

Musburger: "Right you are, Herby. Right you are."

 

Herbstreit: "What are you looking at?"

 

Musburger: "The woman of my dreams - A.J. McCarron's girlfriend."

 

Herbstreit: "She's young enough to be your granddaughter, which makes you..."

 

Musburger: "A male cougar! A.J. better watch out! I'm quite the catch! I may be 73, but look like I'm 72, and act like I'm 15!"

 

The final excerpt I’ll be sharing can be found on pages 118 and 119, and is entitled, “What if other politicians sexted like Weiner?”

 

What if other politicians sexted like Weiner?

Weinergate (Anthony) has been a great deal of fun for me and most everyone else it seems. However, for as much fun as it has been, I feel the need to spread the love around some. I will now list a number of other political figures and come up with sext messages I feel they may send at some point in their lives (if they haven't already):

 

Michele Bachmann: "God sent me to do things to you! It'll be hotter than a Minnesota winter!"

 

Sarah Palin: "I bet I can see your dingaling from Russia! You betcha!"

 

Jimmy Carter: "Hello. You look nice. Want to go get a hot fudge sundae sometime? Dairy Queen is great around this time of year."

 

Bill Clinton: "Oh yeah... ::bites lower lip::"

 

Dick Cheney: "So I shot my friend in the face with one. How about you help me unload my other gun?"

 

Mitt Romney: "There's 47% of you I don't like so much, but the rest I really like. How about you put that 53% in action at my place while covering up the rest of you?"

 

Rick Santorum: "If homosexuality is wrong, I don't wanna be right. Chuck, let's do this!"

 

Herman Cain: "Who else wants to hop on the Cain-train? It's multiple-unit and not high-speed! All aboard!"

 

Rick Perry: "There are three things I wanna do to you tonight: 1) I wanna take off all your clothes, 2) I wanna grab my condom, and 3) I wanna... I forget what that third thing is. Oops."

 

George W. Bush: "Remember how I said I like putting food on my family? Well, I made a special dish I wanna put in you! Heh heh heh heh..."

 

The book can be purchased on paperback for $14.00 on Lulu and on Kindle for $4.99 on Amazon. If you have any questions on the book, don’t hesitate to ask.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. Until next time, you can check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty, with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.