(Note: I hope I don’t have to mention which particular interview this one is attempting to satirize. Here’s a hint - her name rhymes with Tara Falin.)
COURIC: “Thanks for joining us today. How are you doing?”
ROZNIECKI: “Oh, no. Don’t think I’m going to fall for that gotcha question. Nice try, Katie.”
COURIC: “Okay. I’m doing fine as well. Thanks for asking. Anyway, why is it you believe the public should read your book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass?”
ROZNIECKI: “I think my book has a lot to offer a lot of different people. I feel it can be beneficial on some level or another for: Old white men, hillbillies, hippies, little people, people with the name of Elmo and beyond.”
COURIC: “Yes, okay, but what specifically do you think your book brings to these people you mentioned?”
ROZNIECKI: “Like I said, I think it brings a lot to the table, no matter who you are.”
COURIC: “I’m sorry to keep asking this, but what specifically do you think this book, as you put it, will bring to the table?”
ROZNIECKI: “I believe it will bring lots of things.”
COURIC: “Okay. Let’s talk about you, the person. You’ve been writing for a while, haven’t you?”
ROZNIECKI: “Yes.”
COURIC: “What were some of your influences growing up?”
ROZNIECKI: “My influences?”
COURIC: “Yes. You’re a writer. Who influenced that writing growing up?”
ROZNIECKI: “Eh, oh, some here and there, you know.”
COURIC: “What’s one example? Who influenced your writing?”
ROZNIECKI: “Oh, all of them. I’ve read every book through the years and each book influenced me in some way or another.”
COURIC: “All of them?”
ROZNIECKI: “Yes. People think we writers write a lot and that we don’t have much free time to read. That’s not true at all. Sure, most of my time is spent writing, but that doesn’t take away from my time to read every book in existence.”
COURIC: “Now, rumor has it that you’re dating actress Jessica Alba. Is this true?”
ROZNIECKI: “That rumor has been going around, hasn’t it?”
COURIC: “So, is it true?”
ROZNIECKI: “Is what true?”
COURIC: “Are you dating Jessica Alba?”
ROZNIECKI: “I’m going to have to get back to you on that one.”
COURIC: “That’s interesting. Speaking of rumors, is it true that actress Jessica Biel knocked on your door completely naked and you rejected her for sex?”
ROZNIECKI: “Yes, that is true.”
COURIC: “Really? I’m not gay and I would have wanted a piece of that.”
ROZNIECKI: “Really. I just looked at her and said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks’.”
COURIC: “I must say, Craig, this has been a very, what’s the word, interesting interview. It’s been my…mmm…pleasure talking with you. Before we wrap this up, though, I’d like to ask what do you plan on doing while you’re in town?”
ROZNIECKI: “In Abraham Lincoln’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, he really spoke to people. There was something about his words that touched us deeply. When he talked about Freud, Socrates, Plato and Wiffle Ball, it made the people realize they weren’t alone, that they had something to fight for and fight they did. It’s very inspiring.”
COURIC: “Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. I wish you the best of luck with your new book and in general, your writing career. Thanks again for joining us today.”
ROZNIECKI: “Thank you, Katie. That first gotcha question and all, it was my pleasure being here.”
COURIC: “Thanks for joining us today. How are you doing?”
ROZNIECKI: “Oh, no. Don’t think I’m going to fall for that gotcha question. Nice try, Katie.”
COURIC: “Okay. I’m doing fine as well. Thanks for asking. Anyway, why is it you believe the public should read your book, The Kind-Hearted Smartass?”
ROZNIECKI: “I think my book has a lot to offer a lot of different people. I feel it can be beneficial on some level or another for: Old white men, hillbillies, hippies, little people, people with the name of Elmo and beyond.”
COURIC: “Yes, okay, but what specifically do you think your book brings to these people you mentioned?”
ROZNIECKI: “Like I said, I think it brings a lot to the table, no matter who you are.”
COURIC: “I’m sorry to keep asking this, but what specifically do you think this book, as you put it, will bring to the table?”
ROZNIECKI: “I believe it will bring lots of things.”
COURIC: “Okay. Let’s talk about you, the person. You’ve been writing for a while, haven’t you?”
ROZNIECKI: “Yes.”
COURIC: “What were some of your influences growing up?”
ROZNIECKI: “My influences?”
COURIC: “Yes. You’re a writer. Who influenced that writing growing up?”
ROZNIECKI: “Eh, oh, some here and there, you know.”
COURIC: “What’s one example? Who influenced your writing?”
ROZNIECKI: “Oh, all of them. I’ve read every book through the years and each book influenced me in some way or another.”
COURIC: “All of them?”
ROZNIECKI: “Yes. People think we writers write a lot and that we don’t have much free time to read. That’s not true at all. Sure, most of my time is spent writing, but that doesn’t take away from my time to read every book in existence.”
COURIC: “Now, rumor has it that you’re dating actress Jessica Alba. Is this true?”
ROZNIECKI: “That rumor has been going around, hasn’t it?”
COURIC: “So, is it true?”
ROZNIECKI: “Is what true?”
COURIC: “Are you dating Jessica Alba?”
ROZNIECKI: “I’m going to have to get back to you on that one.”
COURIC: “That’s interesting. Speaking of rumors, is it true that actress Jessica Biel knocked on your door completely naked and you rejected her for sex?”
ROZNIECKI: “Yes, that is true.”
COURIC: “Really? I’m not gay and I would have wanted a piece of that.”
ROZNIECKI: “Really. I just looked at her and said, ‘Thanks, but no thanks’.”
COURIC: “I must say, Craig, this has been a very, what’s the word, interesting interview. It’s been my…mmm…pleasure talking with you. Before we wrap this up, though, I’d like to ask what do you plan on doing while you’re in town?”
ROZNIECKI: “In Abraham Lincoln’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech, he really spoke to people. There was something about his words that touched us deeply. When he talked about Freud, Socrates, Plato and Wiffle Ball, it made the people realize they weren’t alone, that they had something to fight for and fight they did. It’s very inspiring.”
COURIC: “Well, I’m afraid we’re out of time. I wish you the best of luck with your new book and in general, your writing career. Thanks again for joining us today.”
ROZNIECKI: “Thank you, Katie. That first gotcha question and all, it was my pleasure being here.”
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