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Taking on the Jon Kyl Philosophy - Speaking adamantly while making a declaration with no intent of it being factual


Senator Jon Kyl (R - AZ) made a remark recently which has won over many late night talk show hosts, with Kyl being the victim of the jokes.

In a floor speech on April 8th, Kyl stated the following, "Everybody goes to clinics, to hospitals, to doctors, and so on. Some people go to Planned Parenthood. But you don’t have to go to Planned Parenthood to get your cholesterol or your blood pressure checked. If you want an abortion, you go to Planned Parenthood, and that’s well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does."

Survey says? Not even close. The actual number? 3%. That's right; Kyl was off by just 87%.[1] That's more "off" than Charlie Sheen with prostitutes in a hotel room doing coke.

Kyl then got himself into further trouble when CNN's Don Lemon read a statement from Kyl's office, which read, "His remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, a organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions."[2]

There we have it, ladies and gentlemen! Jon Kyl has given every single one of us a loophole for lying! That's it. That's the end game right there. We can now get away with just about anything. How many mulligans does a person need? Doesn't matter. There is no limit. All one has to do is, when they're caught lying, state, "My remark was not intended to be a factual statement." Let's see how this plays out in other hypothetical scenarios, shall we?

Bruno: "Honey, I've never seen that woman before in my life!"

Theresa: "I caught you in bed with her!"

Bruno: "Sweetie, that was not intended to be a factual statement. I just wanted you to know that of the billions of women in this world, I've never seen most of them. I've seen this one, but those I haven't seen far outweigh those I have seen, fully clothed or naked."


Bill Clinton: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

Wolf Blitzer: "Now that it's well know that you did in fact have...relations with Monica Lewinsky, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Clinton: "Wolf, my remarks were not intended to be factual. I was just trying to show that I don't sleep around with every woman out there, just Monica and a few others."


George W. Bush: "Iraq has weapons of mass destruction. That I can promise you."

Keith Olbermann: "Since no WMDs have been found, sir, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you have the decency, sir, to admit you lied to the American people?"

Bush: "Well, Keith, I didn't lie. What I said wasn't intended to be factual. I just wanted the people to know that under Saddam Hussein, Iraq had the potential to be a threat to us, with or without weapons of mass destruction."


Charlie Sheen: "The rumors are ridiculous. I don't do coke. I don't do hookers. I don't drink alcohol."

Katie Couric: "Since you were caught doing all these things you claimed you didn't partake in and are now facing legal trouble for these very acts, would you care to correct yourself?"

Sheen: "Correct what? What I said wasn't meant to be factual. I was only saying that I don't do coke, hookers or drink all the time. How would I have sex, snort lines or drink while I'm asleep? That's ridiculous!”


Lance: "I am so not gay."

LaTasha: "Since you were caught in bed with Justin, would you care to finally come out to the public?"

Lance: "Oh girl, my statement wasn't meant to be factual. I was just saying that I wasn't chipper that day. You know? Don't you ever have a non-gay day? Every day of mine is gay, well, except for that one."


Bubba: "Baby, they call me footlong for a reason, if you catch my drift."

Chastity: "Well, where is it? What's the deal? Where's this footlong of yours?"

Bubba: "Look, what I said wasn't meant to be a factual statement. Besides, it's cold outside."

Chastity: "We're inside, you idiot!"

Bubba: "Speaking of inside. I'm inside of you now."

Chastity: "I can't feel anything! Jesus! I'm finding me another footlong. Perhaps I should shoot for six feet this time!"


How about Jon Kyl himself? Let's see here...

Jon Kyl had an operation and went from Jill to Jon.

Jon Kyl went to rehab for his addictions to Pepto-Bismol, Dimetapp and Teletubbies.

Charlie Sheen said with regard to Kyl, "That dude is nuts! Losing!"

Jon Kyl doesn't believe in making factual statements.

For the record, the before-mentioned declarations about Jon Kyl were not intended to be factual, except for that last one. Thanks again, Jon.

[1] Numbers are as much Jon’s friend as silence is John Kerry’s.
[2] I’m sure this strategy would work after being charged with perjury.
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