It appears as if former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford will be holding office once again, as he won a special election last night to represent South Carolina's 1st district in the House of Representatives. Keep in mind that Sanford is just two years removed from confessing that he had been cheating on his wife and even had to reimburse taxpayers for some of his travels to and from Argentina where his soul-mate-on-the-side resided. Also keep in mind that Sanford is a member of the Republican Party, which prides itself on being the party of God, faith, family values, traditional marriage, etc., and has moved so far to the right, cult leaders have even begun to say, "We want nothing to do with them! They're crazy!" So, how in the world did Mark Sanford win these people's vote? I have to imagine he persuaded them all with a speech like this:
"Hello, South Carolina! How's it going? I've missed you. I went to Argentina so many times to visit my girlfriend-on-the-side, I almost forgot where my home really was and that's right here, in South Carolina - the greatest country on earth, next to the United States, of course!
Now, I know we didn't part on very good terms last time. I may have cheated on my wife, may have used your tax dollars for my trips to see one of my soul mates in Argentina, and may have had to resign. However, I did wind up divorcing my wife and marrying the other soul mate of mine. I paid you all back, well, some of you. So, due to me righting all my wrongs in a way, I'm asking for another chance to hold office and represent the great continent of South Carolina - the 1st district anyway!
Let's get something straight here - I'm a straight man. I love the woman. I love her hair, her curves, her eyes, her...
::closes his eyes, starts drooling, as his buddy below the belt starts staring up at him::
Sorry, I lost my train of thought. I was just thinking about my girlfriends in Chile and Peru. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm a straight man and I love women, lots and lots of women. This may have gotten me into trouble a couple years ago, but hey, I'm human, right? I'm a man! A God-fearing, family-oriented, straight man! My opponent believes gays should have equal marriage rights, but let me tell you something, that's not what God wants! If God had to choose between allowing a gay couple of 40 years to legally get married and allowing a married straight man like me to hump more women's legs in a week than a dog does in a lifetime, he'd choose me! Why? Because that's traditional marriage right there! That's how God intended it! In the Bible, it clearly states that marriage is between one man, one woman, a soul mate in Argentina, and a few girlfriends spread about the rest of South America. It's in the book of Acts, I believe.
South Carolina, let's get serious for a moment here. Who are you going to believe is more responsible and has better family values? That crazy liberal on the other side of the aisle, or me - a man who left his wife and four kids to penetrate a woman in Argentina on your tax dollars? I rest my case.
Ladies and gentlemen, be real Christians and do what Christ would do - forgive me and put your faith in a man who wasn't faithful to you or his wife. Thank you. God bless you, God bless the United States of America, and God bless beautiful women in South America!"
"Hello, South Carolina! How's it going? I've missed you. I went to Argentina so many times to visit my girlfriend-on-the-side, I almost forgot where my home really was and that's right here, in South Carolina - the greatest country on earth, next to the United States, of course!
Now, I know we didn't part on very good terms last time. I may have cheated on my wife, may have used your tax dollars for my trips to see one of my soul mates in Argentina, and may have had to resign. However, I did wind up divorcing my wife and marrying the other soul mate of mine. I paid you all back, well, some of you. So, due to me righting all my wrongs in a way, I'm asking for another chance to hold office and represent the great continent of South Carolina - the 1st district anyway!
Let's get something straight here - I'm a straight man. I love the woman. I love her hair, her curves, her eyes, her...
::closes his eyes, starts drooling, as his buddy below the belt starts staring up at him::
Sorry, I lost my train of thought. I was just thinking about my girlfriends in Chile and Peru. What was I saying? Oh yeah, I'm a straight man and I love women, lots and lots of women. This may have gotten me into trouble a couple years ago, but hey, I'm human, right? I'm a man! A God-fearing, family-oriented, straight man! My opponent believes gays should have equal marriage rights, but let me tell you something, that's not what God wants! If God had to choose between allowing a gay couple of 40 years to legally get married and allowing a married straight man like me to hump more women's legs in a week than a dog does in a lifetime, he'd choose me! Why? Because that's traditional marriage right there! That's how God intended it! In the Bible, it clearly states that marriage is between one man, one woman, a soul mate in Argentina, and a few girlfriends spread about the rest of South America. It's in the book of Acts, I believe.
South Carolina, let's get serious for a moment here. Who are you going to believe is more responsible and has better family values? That crazy liberal on the other side of the aisle, or me - a man who left his wife and four kids to penetrate a woman in Argentina on your tax dollars? I rest my case.
Ladies and gentlemen, be real Christians and do what Christ would do - forgive me and put your faith in a man who wasn't faithful to you or his wife. Thank you. God bless you, God bless the United States of America, and God bless beautiful women in South America!"
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