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Ryan Lochte has a way with words much like Lance Bass has a way with women

Olympic swimmer and gold medalist Ryan Lochte apparently has a new reality show called What Would Ryan Lochte Do? My first thought upon reading the title of the show is, "I don't know and don't really care."

Granted, I've never been one to like reality television. I'm a writer and I find "reality" television to be the laziest writing one could possibly come up with. Here's what I envision such writers say upon deciding how to go about their show:

Chuck Tweedledee: "So, what should we do?"

Boris Tweedledum: "Let's just put a camera somewhere and see what happens, you know?"

Tweedledee: "Like, in real life, kind of?"

Tweedledum: "Yeah, man..."

Tweedledee: "So, no writing is necessary?"

Tweedledum: "Not really"

Tweedledee: "Far out! Let's smoke some more weed!"


While reality television by itself is an often times grueling and painful experience for me to even think about, Ryan Lochte being the centerpiece of such a show makes it doubly as excruciating for me. I've heard Lochte speak. If there was a book titled The Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Dumb Jock, Lochte would likely be on the cover.

Of course, the critics hate the show. Thus far, it's only received a 33 grade at Metacritic.com.

Don Kaplan of NY Daily News started his review with, "He's superhuman in the pool but super stupid on TV."

So, what are some of these George W. Bush-esque quotes of Lochte's from his new show? Let me provide a few for you:

- "I've talked in front of ... like... a lot of big business people about stuff I didn't even know."

That's not hard to believe...

- "It's spelled J-E-A-H. If you say it like how it's spelled it's 'jee-ah.' But, that's boring; no one wants to hear that. So you have to really put that emphatis [sic] on that 'J.' And then the 'A-H' kinda just flows."

Eh...what?

- "Something will pop up in my head. It could be like the weirdest thing. Like all'a sudden like I have like a jumping banana in my head. And I stop and pause. I'm like that d*mn jumping banana is in my head. Like, I don't know what's going on."

Judging by this statement, I'm thinking a "jumping banana" is about all that's in his head...

- "You know what? Ryan Lochte is a pretty good speechmaker."

Ryan Lochte, I'd like you to meet your father, George W. Bush. Dubya, this is your son, Ryan Lochte.

- "What's being talked about is 'Ryan Lochte the American douchebag.' Douchebag? I don't even know what is a douchebag, like what is it? Like what is the definition? ...Like I really don't know what it means, do you know?"

Precisely... The prosecution rests, your honor...

http://www.metacritic.com/tv/what-would-ryan-lochte-do/critic-reviews

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/tv-movies/ryan-lochte-tv-review-article-1.1322017

http://blogs.phillymag.com/the_philly_post/2013/04/22/dumbest-quotes-from-ryan-lochte-reality-show/

http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/what-would-ryan-lochte-douche-top-10-douchiest-quotes-from-the-premiere

http://ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com/77148577.html

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