A Nerd, a Bully and a Replacement Ref: The First Presidential Debate

I, along with millions of other Americans watched the first Presidential debate last night between President Barack Obama and Republican nominee Mitt Romney. Unlike most pundits, however, I didn't see Romney dominating the debate. What I saw was a very poorly moderated debate by Jim Lehrer, a cool and collected President Obama and an uber-hyper and rude Romney who may have uttered more words of fiction than of truth.

So, based on how I viewed the debate last night, I bring you a satirized version of it. Enjoy...

Moderator Jim Lehrer: "For my first question tonight, I'd like to ask if there are any differences between how you would answer the mathematical equation 2 + 2. We'll start with President Obama."

President Barack Obama: "Thanks Jim, Governor Romney, the University of Denver and especially my wife. It was 20 years ago we were wed, which makes me the luckiest man on earth. On this day 20 years ago, I got lucky in two ways: 1) Michelle is the best wife a man could ever have and 2) We would have impressed porn stars with what we did that night. Now, as for your question, Jim - this isn't just me talking here, but via an independent study, it was found that 2 + 2 = 4."

Lehrer: "Governor Romney, do you agree or disagree with that and why?"

Governor Mitt Romney: "Thanks Jim, Mr. President, University of Denver. Congratulations, Mr. President. Although, I personally think I got luckier than you did in the wife department. I never seem to get 'lucky' anymore, though. That's why I've started watching pornos. My favorite has to be 'Saturday Night Beaver.' As for the question - no, the president and I don't agree, as seems to be typical. He pointed out one study. I've found six others that show 2 + 2 = 5. So, so much for studies, right? It's a fact, though, Jim: 2 + 2 = 5."

Lehrer: "Mr. President - would you like to respond?"

Obama: "Well, Governor - I can't say I've ever seen 'Saturday Night Beaver,' but did used to enjoy 'Leave It To Beaver'. As for the numbers - it's math. It's arithmetic. It's something I learned when I was 2 months old. 2 + 2 = 4. I'm sorry, Governor - but your numbers just don't add up. ."

Lehrer: "Well, on to our next..."

Romney: "NO! We're not going to end things like that! He had the first words on the question and I get the last! That's just how it goes! This is one of my houses and these are my rules! Got that, Jim? The president is wrong! 2 + 2 = 5! ::begins speaking more loudly:: 2 + 2 = 5! ::starts yelling:: 2  + 2 = 5!"

Lehrer: "Well, I think we can agree that you two don't see eye-to-eye on this. Let's move on to the next question. Governor Romney - how do you and the president differ as far as your religious beliefs go?"

Romney: "I love God and unlike the president here, I'm not afraid to tell the world! I'm not the one who canceled National Prayer Day like this president! I'm not the one who got sworn-in on the Koran like this president! I'm not the one who's a radical Muslim terrorist Kenyan socialist communist like this president! I'm not the one who dressed up like Satan on Christmas and played Rob Zombie holiday songs for his kids like this president did!"

Lehrer: "Mr. President - is all of this true?"

Obama: "This is ridiculous. By the way - the songs weren't by Rob Zombie. They were by Alice Cooper. Just kidding. No, none of that is true. I'm a Christian - I go to church. I'm not nor have I ever been a Muslim, so I wasn't sworn-in on the Koran. I never canceled National Prayer Day and am secretly praying this debate will end soon. I've never dressed as Satan, even on Halloween as a child. This is all preposterous. Where did you hear about these things, Governor? ...or did you just make them up? Were these the 'zingers' you were talking about? Do you know what a zinger is?"

Romney: "That's very funny, Mr. President. These aren't zingers, though. These are facts. I have in my possession pictures of you dressed as Satan on Christmas, playing Marilyn Manson songs for your kids."

Obama: "You said they were Rob Zombie songs..."

Romney: "No, I didn't."

Obama: "Yes, I think I, Jim and everyone else could hear that you said Rob Zombie songs. In other words, you're lying."

Romney: "Want me to prove it to you?"

Obama: "Yes, I'd love for you to prove that to me."

Romney: "Well, I've got them in a safe at one of my homes. I'll be sure to bust those out in my new ad, though."

Obama: "You do that. America, think about this for a moment... Does it sound at all reasonable for Governor Romney to have in his possession a picture of me dressed as Satan on Christmas and for this very picture to magically play Rob Zombie songs? I'll let the voters decide."

Lehrer: "Well, once again, let's just agree that you two disagree, shall we? As for the next question, we'll start with President Obama. Tell me about the differences between you and the Governor as far as party affiliation goes..."

Obama: "Well, I'm a Democrat and while he was an Independent not too long ago, he is now a Republican."

Lehrer: "Governor - your response?"

Romney: "I've always been a Republican! I don't know what this guy is talking about!"

Obama: "I have it printed out here. Willard Mitt Romney - Independent. Would you like to take a look?"

Romney: "I don't need to. I know that's not true!"

Obama: "Here you are, Governor. Jim, I printed a copy for you also, and my Vice President - Joe Biden - will be around passing a copy of that and also some of his specially made herb brownies to everyone in the audience."

Lehrer: "This looks legitimate, Governor. Would you like to respond?"

Romney: "It's not true! I've always been a Republican! ::starts yelling to the point where 62.3% of the audience covers their ears:: I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A REPUBLICAN!"

Lehrer: "Well, I think we could all hear that. For the next question, Governor - how do you and the president's musical tastes differ?"

Romney: "Well, we all know who Obama listens to - Marilyn Zombie! As for me, my favorite songs are about God and this great country - the United States of America. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands - one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Amen."

Lehrer: "Thank you for that, Governor. Mr. President - your response?"

Obama: "First of all - Governor, you first said I liked Rob Zombie, then Marilyn Manson and now Marilyn Zombie? Which is it?"

Romney: "I said Marilyn Zombie all three times. Look it up. Not once did I ever utter the names Rob Zombie or Marilyn Manson. It's always been Marilyn Zombie."

Obama: "::sighs:: Well, Governor, while I too love songs that positively reflect upon our great country and God, I do enjoy some Motown music, classic rock, jazz, classical and even some rap."

Romney: "What about Marilyn Zombie?"

Obama: "I can't say I've ever heard of this Marilyn Zombie. What kind of music does the group play?"

Romney: "Classical, I think - right up your alley, Mr. President! You just wait for that picture I have stashed in my safe and for the upcoming ad which shows it off..."

Obama: "I'll be waiting - I have a feeling for a pretty long time..."

Lehrer: "As exciting as this is, I'm afraid we've reached the end of the question and answer session of the debate. Now I'll ask the two of you to provide us with a short closing statement. Mr. President - we'll start with you..."

Obama: "Thank you, Jim, Governor Romney and the University of Denver. As we've laid out for you this evening - the American people have a clear choice in November. Would you like to go back to the Bush policies which got us into this economic mess in the first place? ...with a guy who can't properly add two and two together? ...or should we continue down the path we've been traveling these past four years, where the growth has been slow at times, but continual? ...should we continue that path until we find ourselves back to where we were prior to the recession hitting and even growing beyond that point? The choice is yours, America. I hope you give me another four years, so I can work hard for you day in and day out and finish the job I started. God bless you and God bless the United States of America!"

Lehrer: "Governor Romney - whenever you're ready..."

Romney: "Thank you Jim, Mr. President, the University of Denver. The president was right about one thing in this whole debate and that's you all have a very clear choice in November. If you think 2 + 2 = 4, are into Marilyn Zombie classical music, and have a thing for radical Muslim terrorist Kenyan socialist communists, then Barack Obama is your guy. If you're into non-Christians pretending to be Christians and can adamantly (and accurately) declare to the world that 2 + 2 = 5, I'm your guy. Also, if you know of any other good pornos besides 'Saturday Night Beaver' I can borrow, I'd appreciate the suggestions. I have heard good things about 'Rambone,' "Driving Into Miss Daisy' and 'Buttman and Throbbin',' but I've yet to check them out. Joseph Smith bless you and Joseph Smith bless the United States of America!"