The Tale of That Ever-Growing Thing: The Greatest Debate in History

In light of watching both the Republican and Democratic National Conventions and with the first Presidential debate being just a couple days away, I thought I'd attempt to combine the three events in a writing of mine, where the stark contrasts of the two conventions are presented by way of a debate. Here we go...

Bill O'Reilly: "Good evening and welcome to the first debate here at Fox News - the most fair and balanced news network in man's history. We're the only news network in the history of the world to not showcase a liberal bias and provide you the objective truth - Republican-style, without bias. I'm Bill O'Reilly of the Oh Really Factor and will be moderating tonight's debate. Tonight, representing the Democratic Party will be Kermit the Frog and representing the Republican Party will be Pinocchio. Kermit, I'll start with you. What does your candidate plan on doing about taxes?"

Kermit the Frog: "We believe in extending tax cuts for the low- and middle-classes. If you make less than $250,000, you'll get a tax cut. In other words, under our plan, 95% of the people in this country will get a tax cut."

Pinocchio: "The Democrats are going to increase everyone's taxes, including those paying over 100%!" ::his nose begin to grow::

O'Reilly: "I thought that too at first, but that's not actually true. The tax increases would only be for those making over $250,000."

Pinocchio: "Yeah, so? That's everyone! Who doesn't make at least a quarter of a million dollars? Seriously... That's like pocket change to most people! At least twice a week, I talk to someone that tells me they bought another house just out of sheer boredom!" ::nose extends further::

O'Reilly: "Okay... What would you do differently than the Democrats?"

Pinocchio: "Simple - we'll lower everyone's taxes, even those who don't pay any!"

O'Reilly: "Everyone making over $250,000 a year?"

Pinocchio: "Like I said before - everyone makes at least $250,000 a year! What's wrong with you?"

O'Reilly: "Okay, in a fantasy world, would you also lower the taxes for those that make less than $250,000 a year?"

Pinocchio: "No, of course not! Who would care about them? All they'd be good for would be cleaning houses, making me food, dancing on my lap while listening to 'U Can't Touch This' and teaching!"

Kermit: "You're so sensitive..."

Pinocchio: "Whatever, you pussy..."

Kermit: "I'm a frog..."

O'Reilly: "Okay, that's enough! The next question I have is with regard to women's rights. We'll start this time with Pinocchio. What were your thoughts on the Sandra Fluke ordeal? Should contraception be included in an employer-based healthcare plan for women and was Rush Limbaugh out of line when he called Ms. Fluke a 'slut' and a 'prostitute'?"

Pinocchio: "She is a slut..."

Kermit: "That kind of language is entirely inappropriate!"

Pinocchio: "You didn't let me finish. I like sluts. I believe sluts, like men and women, should have equal rights..."

Kermit: "I guess that's okay..."

Pinocchio: "...an equal right to blow me. You know, Kermit? Your girlfriend is a slut..."

Kermit: "Miss Piggy?"

Pinocchio: "Yeah, I saw her taking some of those pills the other day..."

Kermit: "The doctor said she'd become bacon if she didn't."

Pinocchio: "Whatever... I love sluts. They'll do anything for this wood of mine."

O'Reilly: "Kermit, I hate to do this, but I really want to move on to the next question. In one word or less, do you believe sluts, I mean, women... Dammit, Pinocchio! Let me try this again - do you believe women should have the right to do with their body as they so choose when it comes to abortion and do you feel contraception should be included in their employer-based healthcare plans?"

Kermit: "Damn right!"

O'Reilly: "That was two words..."

Kermit: "Oh yeah..."

O'Reilly: "That's two more words. We're going to have to dock you a minute's time for that slip-up."

Kermit: "Sorry about that."

O'Reilly: "Make that two minutes!"

Kermit: ::nods::

O'Reilly: "Okay, that's better. I'll let you know when that penalty will take effect. Moving on... Starting again with Pinocchio - do you believe marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman?"

Pinocchio: "Yes!"

Kermit: "Well, what about me? Shouldn't a frog like me be able to marry who I love - Miss Piggy?"

Pinocchio: "No! You see what this leads to? Bestiality...or whatever that's called! A frog marrying a pig - how disgusting! That's against nature and against God's teachings and stuff!"

Kermit: "But, but..."

Pinocchio: "But nothing!"

Kermit: "But, I love her..."

Pinocchio: "You know what I love? Bacon. Tell your Miss Piggy to come over sometime. I'll show her a smokin' hot good time! Literally!"

O'Reilly: "That's enough, you two! Alright, I'll provide Kermit with the two-minute penalty on this next question. Kermit, you may not utter a word here or else you will be kicked out of this debate and forced to go pheasant-hunting with Dick Cheney! Got that? Okay, Pinocchio - do you love your country and Jesus?"

Pinocchio: "Besides sluts and bacon, the two things I love most are this country and Jesus! Only those who aren't real Americans wouldn't proudly shout out to random people on a New York subway at three in the morning that they love America and Jesus! What's that, Kermit? Typical Democrat - afraid to say how much he loves God and this country! Let me tell you all something about me. When I sleepwalk, I stand up and Pledge to the Allegiance! When I do karaoke, I sing the National Anthem! When I went to get tattoos, I got one of the American flag on my back and one of The Bible on my face. If I ever had a kid, I'd name it either Jeserica for a girl or Amesus for a boy!" ::nose grows to the point of nearly poking O'Reilly's left eye::

O'Reilly: "That's all very inspirational. Pinocchio - you truly are a patriot and a role model to all! It does seem as if your nose is growing quite a bit, though. Are you okay?"

Pinocchio: "I'm fine. This just happens when I get excited. I was just thinking about Miss Piggy again. Forgive me..." ::his nose continues to grow and forces O'Reilly to back up some to prevent getting his eye poked::

O'Reilly: "I will, as I'm sure everyone else in this great country will as well. Now for our final set of questions, and we'll start over here with Kermit. Thanks for your patience. Now, why do you think we should give the Democratic candidate a second term? What's he done to warrant another four years in office and what can we expect from him if he's given another four years?"

Kermit: "Well, we were really down and out when he took office and while we went through some tough times, we're slowly rebounding from the recession. We're not where we want to be yet, but we've been creating jobs, have been in the plus the past 20-some months and I really think if we keep him around another four years, we'll continue to see things improve. People keep asking if we're better off than we were four years ago. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I'm better off! Four years ago, I was just a green frog. Now I'm a frog that's truly making a difference by going green! ::laughs:: Miss Piggy told me not to use that joke, but I think it's funny. I guess I'm the only one laughing. Shucks. She's always right. But, anyway, things are better than they were and will continue to get better. Due to the changes that have been made, we're more hopeful now than we were four years ago!"

O'Reilly: "...and now, what is your response to that, Pinocchio? Are we better off than we were four years ago? Why should we vote for your candidate over theirs? What will likely happen in both those possible scenarios?"

Pinocchio: "No, like very American, I'm not better off than I was four years ago. I was chilling, just minding my own business, in a cardboard box in an attic somewhere and am now debating this clown over here..."

Kermit: "Frog..."

Pinocchio: "Exactly... If you vote for their candidate, I'll tell you what will happen - at the stroke of midnight on January 1st of next year, the world will come to an end! Demons by the names of Jericho, Jerry, Jerome and Hillary will storm this earth, take our minds, hearts and souls and dispose of them at a Hooter's in Bangkok! If the other guy wins, we all die! That's a fact!" ::nose grows to the point where it's being considered for the eighth Wonder of the World::

O'Reilly: "I don't mean to sound skeptical, but where did you hear about this?"

Pinocchio: "God told me - in a dream of mine. He looked like a hybrid of Michael Jackson and Tom Hanks, but that's not important. Like I said - if you vote for the other guy, we're all gonna die! Fact!" ::nose grows to where it can be seen from space::

O'Reilly: "Thanks for that very thorough explanation. So, what will your candidate do to move this country in the proper direction?"

Pinocchio: "What, besides not lead us to Armageddon?"

O'Reilly: "Yes, while that is very important - besides that..."

Pinocchio: "Trust me. We've got plans. We've got all sorts of plans and they're good ones, not like the other candidate's. Our plans will actually work. We call our plans 'The Never-ending List of Good Plans'."

O'Reilly: "Yes, but specifically, what is one plan your candidate has thought up to move us forward as a nation?"

Pinocchio: "Oh, you know - it's a plan that creates jobs, lowers the deficit, lowers taxes, brings peace to the world and results in everyone having a simultaneous orgasm twice a day." ::nose grows to the point where even God's impressed::

O'Reilly: "Wow - that does sound like quite the plan! Thanks for clearing that up!"

Kermit: "But he didn't even answer the..."

O'Reilly: "Quiet down, Kermit! I asked him for specifics and as all our blind and deaf viewers and listeners saw and heard, he did just that. Well, that's all the time we have for this debate. I hope everyone in the audience and at home learned something today. As Pinocchio said, if any of you want to keep your mind, heart and soul, vote for the Republican candidate. Thanks for watching Fox News, where we're always fair and balanced!"

Kermit: "That's bull(bleep)!"

O'Reilly: "Cut off his mic! Commie!"

Pinocchio: "Kermit's an atheist, Muslim commie socialist!"

O'Reilly: "Indeed he is. This is Bill O'Reilly. Like us at Fox News, stay fair and balanced. So long..."