"This is Will Ferrell, coming to you live from Compton, California, with the premiere of the brand-new game show, 'Guess Who?' In this game, we will try to get to know presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama a little better. For this episode, we asked both of them a series of questions and the three contestants will have to guess which candidate provided us with these very answers. The questions will range from something political to something personal. The two candidates' voices will be masked with a program which makes them both sound like the one, the only Bobcat Goldthwait. Whomever comes up with the most correct answers will win our grand prize - a week's worth of free wings at Hooters. Now, let's meet our contestants. She's single. She's from Compton. Here she is - Melissa! You look familiar, Melissa. Do you happen to work at Hooters?"
Melissa: "For going on 10 years strong!"
Ferrell: "Your folks must be very proud."
Melissa: "So are my eleven kids!"
Ferrell: "I bet they are. Moving on - we have Jim-Bob from it says 'somewhere down south.' Where is that exactly?"
Jim-Bob: "I dunno - you know, south and s**t."
Ferrell: "Okay then. Lastly, this can't be right. We have Sean Connery and it says 'from your mother's vagina.' So, you're my brother, are you?"
Connery: "That's right, Ferrell! ...and that's not all..."
Ferrell: "Dare I ask? What else?"
Connery: "I met your wife the other night."
Ferrell: "Oh really? Where at?"
Connery: "At this bar called 'Cheap and Easy.'"
Ferrell: "That's only because she works there. Shall we get on with the game?"
Connery: "This is going to be easy - just like your wife!"
Ferrell: "That was completely uncalled for, Mr. Connery. Okay, Melissa, Jim-Bob, Sean, let's get started, shall we? We're going to hear a series of questions and quotes, and then you'll have to answer who you think said each of these quotes - either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama. After all the questions have been asked, we'll then go through the answers and declare a very lucky winner. Here we go..."
Ferrell: "First question - 'What are your feelings on abortion?'"
1) Goldthwait: "I believe in adding an amendment to the Constitution to outlaw all abortions, even in the cases of rape, incest, the mother's health being in jeopardy or alien abduction."
2) Goldthwait: "I believe that women should have the right to choose what to do with their bodies when pregnant."
Ferrell: "Please answer either Romney or Obama for both quotes. You'll have ten seconds to do so. During these ten seconds, we'll play our theme song - courtesy of George Michael - 'I Want Your Sex.' Good luck."
Connery: "Your wife wanted my sex the other night, Ferrell!"
Ferrell: "Answer the question. You now have five seconds."
Connery: "Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
Ferrell: "Okay, now for question #2 - 'What are your thoughts on healthcare reform?'"
1) Goldthwait: "I believe it's the government's duty to make certain that all people have health insurance, so yes - I believe in healthcare reform."
2) Goldthwait: "I believe that government mandating healthcare is not what our Founding Fathers would have ever wanted. It's the first step toward socialism, as it's trampling upon our liberties! That's what it says in The Bible too. Jesus was against people being healthy. That's a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia."
Ferrell: "Once again, you'll have ten seconds to mark both quotes with either Romney or Obama."
George Michael: "I want your sex. I want you. I want your...sex."
Ferrell: "That brings us to question #3 - 'Do you believe in gun control?'"
1) Goldthwait: "I believe the 2nd Amendment is one of our founding principles and think that all people should be allowed to have guns - including felons, blind men and infants."
2) Goldthwait: "Studies have shown that gun control laws work, so I think it's important that we enforce certain laws to make certain guns don't fall into the wrong hands."
Connery: "My gun can't control itself when I'm around your wife, Ferrell, if you know what I mean..."
Ferrell: "I've had about enough of you!"
Connery: "Your wife told me the other night she could never get enough of me!"
Ferrell: "Okay, time's up for answering that question. Here is question #4 - 'True or False - Have you ever lied to the American people?'"
1) Goldthwait: "If I'm being honest, I'd have to say true."
2) Goldthwait: "False. It can't be proven anyway, at least that's what my imaginary friend tells me."
George Michael: "It's playing on my mind. It's dancing on my soul. It's taken so much time. So why don't you just let me go. I'd really like to try..."
Ferrell: "Now for our fifth and final question - 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'"
1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife."
Ferrell: "Dammit, Connery! I told you to cut it out!"
Connery: "I told you she was easy, Ferrell, but that wasn't me..."
Ferrell: "::sighs:: Okay, we'll go through the quotes one more time. The question was 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'"
1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife."
2) Goldthwait: "No - never. What kind of question is that?"
George Michael: "Sex is natural - sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Sex is natural - sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one on one..."
Ferrell: "Okay, pens down. Now, let me see a show of hands - how many of you answered all five questions?"
::Melissa, Jim-Bob and Sean raise their hands::
Ferrell: "Okay - that's good. How many of you answered each and every question using Obama's name once as well as Romney's?"
::the three contestants raise their hands again::
Ferrell: "I've just been handed all your answers to either confirm or deny of what you just informed me. That's what I figured. I'm sorry, but none of you answered a single question correctly, so I'm afraid I'll be the one getting free wings at Hooters for a week."
Melissa: "Eh, what? How's that like possible and stuff?"
Jim-Bob: "Y'all don't know whatcha talkin' 'bout. Dat's messed up."
Connery: "What's the story, Ferrell? Did you screw us harder than I screwed your..."
Ferrell: "Watch it, Sean! No, the fact of the matter is that each and every quote was said by Mitt Romney. Barack Obama wasn't the source of any of those quotes. So, since all of you answered Romney and Obama for each and every question, I'm afraid none of you will be getting a free week's worth of wings at Hooters."
Jim-Bob: "I don't get it. What'd he just say?"
Connery: "That's dirty, Ferrell! Dirtier than your..."
Ferrell: "Sorry to cut you off, but I'm afraid it's time to wrap this up. Thanks to our three contestants, our audience, our viewers at home and of course, Mitt Romney. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and will be back next week to watch a brand-new episode of 'Guess Who?'"
Melissa: "For going on 10 years strong!"
Ferrell: "Your folks must be very proud."
Melissa: "So are my eleven kids!"
Ferrell: "I bet they are. Moving on - we have Jim-Bob from it says 'somewhere down south.' Where is that exactly?"
Jim-Bob: "I dunno - you know, south and s**t."
Ferrell: "Okay then. Lastly, this can't be right. We have Sean Connery and it says 'from your mother's vagina.' So, you're my brother, are you?"
Connery: "That's right, Ferrell! ...and that's not all..."
Ferrell: "Dare I ask? What else?"
Connery: "I met your wife the other night."
Ferrell: "Oh really? Where at?"
Connery: "At this bar called 'Cheap and Easy.'"
Ferrell: "That's only because she works there. Shall we get on with the game?"
Connery: "This is going to be easy - just like your wife!"
Ferrell: "That was completely uncalled for, Mr. Connery. Okay, Melissa, Jim-Bob, Sean, let's get started, shall we? We're going to hear a series of questions and quotes, and then you'll have to answer who you think said each of these quotes - either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama. After all the questions have been asked, we'll then go through the answers and declare a very lucky winner. Here we go..."
Ferrell: "First question - 'What are your feelings on abortion?'"
1) Goldthwait: "I believe in adding an amendment to the Constitution to outlaw all abortions, even in the cases of rape, incest, the mother's health being in jeopardy or alien abduction."
2) Goldthwait: "I believe that women should have the right to choose what to do with their bodies when pregnant."
Ferrell: "Please answer either Romney or Obama for both quotes. You'll have ten seconds to do so. During these ten seconds, we'll play our theme song - courtesy of George Michael - 'I Want Your Sex.' Good luck."
Connery: "Your wife wanted my sex the other night, Ferrell!"
Ferrell: "Answer the question. You now have five seconds."
Connery: "Yeah, yeah, yeah..."
Ferrell: "Okay, now for question #2 - 'What are your thoughts on healthcare reform?'"
1) Goldthwait: "I believe it's the government's duty to make certain that all people have health insurance, so yes - I believe in healthcare reform."
2) Goldthwait: "I believe that government mandating healthcare is not what our Founding Fathers would have ever wanted. It's the first step toward socialism, as it's trampling upon our liberties! That's what it says in The Bible too. Jesus was against people being healthy. That's a fact. Look it up on Wikipedia."
Ferrell: "Once again, you'll have ten seconds to mark both quotes with either Romney or Obama."
George Michael: "I want your sex. I want you. I want your...sex."
Ferrell: "That brings us to question #3 - 'Do you believe in gun control?'"
1) Goldthwait: "I believe the 2nd Amendment is one of our founding principles and think that all people should be allowed to have guns - including felons, blind men and infants."
2) Goldthwait: "Studies have shown that gun control laws work, so I think it's important that we enforce certain laws to make certain guns don't fall into the wrong hands."
Connery: "My gun can't control itself when I'm around your wife, Ferrell, if you know what I mean..."
Ferrell: "I've had about enough of you!"
Connery: "Your wife told me the other night she could never get enough of me!"
Ferrell: "Okay, time's up for answering that question. Here is question #4 - 'True or False - Have you ever lied to the American people?'"
1) Goldthwait: "If I'm being honest, I'd have to say true."
2) Goldthwait: "False. It can't be proven anyway, at least that's what my imaginary friend tells me."
George Michael: "It's playing on my mind. It's dancing on my soul. It's taken so much time. So why don't you just let me go. I'd really like to try..."
Ferrell: "Now for our fifth and final question - 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'"
1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife."
Ferrell: "Dammit, Connery! I told you to cut it out!"
Connery: "I told you she was easy, Ferrell, but that wasn't me..."
Ferrell: "::sighs:: Okay, we'll go through the quotes one more time. The question was 'Have you ever been unfaithful to your wife?'"
1) Goldthwait: "Yes, but only with Will Ferrell's wife."
2) Goldthwait: "No - never. What kind of question is that?"
George Michael: "Sex is natural - sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should. Sex is natural - sex is fun. Sex is best when it's one on one..."
Ferrell: "Okay, pens down. Now, let me see a show of hands - how many of you answered all five questions?"
::Melissa, Jim-Bob and Sean raise their hands::
Ferrell: "Okay - that's good. How many of you answered each and every question using Obama's name once as well as Romney's?"
::the three contestants raise their hands again::
Ferrell: "I've just been handed all your answers to either confirm or deny of what you just informed me. That's what I figured. I'm sorry, but none of you answered a single question correctly, so I'm afraid I'll be the one getting free wings at Hooters for a week."
Melissa: "Eh, what? How's that like possible and stuff?"
Jim-Bob: "Y'all don't know whatcha talkin' 'bout. Dat's messed up."
Connery: "What's the story, Ferrell? Did you screw us harder than I screwed your..."
Ferrell: "Watch it, Sean! No, the fact of the matter is that each and every quote was said by Mitt Romney. Barack Obama wasn't the source of any of those quotes. So, since all of you answered Romney and Obama for each and every question, I'm afraid none of you will be getting a free week's worth of wings at Hooters."
Jim-Bob: "I don't get it. What'd he just say?"
Connery: "That's dirty, Ferrell! Dirtier than your..."
Ferrell: "Sorry to cut you off, but I'm afraid it's time to wrap this up. Thanks to our three contestants, our audience, our viewers at home and of course, Mitt Romney. I hope you all enjoyed yourselves and will be back next week to watch a brand-new episode of 'Guess Who?'"
Comments
Post a Comment