The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

According to reports, while watching CNN's Democratic debate last night, GOP front-runners Donald Trump, Ben Carson, and Carly Fiorina suffered from great confusion, migraine headaches, and panic attacks while hearing substantive answers from the Democratic candidates. When I got a hold of witnesses by phone, here's what they told me: Donald Trump's witness - "He started this drinking game where, every time he didn't understand a word that was spoken, he'd have to yell out, 'Loser!,' and take a shot of Bacardi. I've never heard the guy utter that word so much in my life!" Ben Carson's witness - "He started rubbing his head two minutes into the debate, mumbling, 'Why do they have to talk and know so much? At least I know brain surgery, know Jesus, and know Jesus didn't need no brain surgery!' He then started rocking back and forth and quietly sung Queen songs. I'll never forget how he half sung-half mumbled ...

Anti-everything alleged Bible-loving demon woman - Michele Bachmann - was recently sent a massager from a conservative consultant group to aid her with her migraines. Upon closer inspection, however, it appears as though the Columbus-based Strategy Group for Media tried providing Ms. Bachmann with a massager to provide relief, pleasure, and aid of a different kind. As Buzzfeed stated: "...[He] intended to give Bachmann a vibrating head massager to help alleviate her migraines, and that the employee he sent to buy the gift accidentally purchased something that more closely resembled a sex toy - and sent it to her office." While it's unlikely that Representative Bachmann truly needed a device to provide her aid down yonder, that doesn't mean we can't have some fun with the possibility. Here are three Bachmann quotes and my new thoughts on them in light of this new bit of news: - "Why should I go and do something like that? But the Lord says, 'Be s...