The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Even though polls are showcasing a public approval rating of just 17% for the Obamacare-repeal-and-replace bill, Republican lawmakers appear to be on the verge of going ahead with their healthcare reform package, which would include the death of 23 million people via elephants pummeling them after being dropped from the Statue of Liberty. With regard to the measure, House Speaker Paul Ryan had this to say: "Obamacare is failing. People are spending way too much money. There aren't enough options. People are going bankrupt. It's just not working. So what we need to do is offer a sure-fire option, and that's dropping a 12,000 lb. animal from 305 feet in the air right onto a person who will no longer have to worry about paying Obamacare's ridiculous premiums!" After hearing this, it's been rumored that Lady Liberty altered her pose from holding a torch to giving herself a facepalm.

In a surprise move on Monday, House Republicans voted to reform car insurance. The bill, called, "The No Drive No Problem Act," makes it simultaneously easier for those without automobiles and more difficult for those with automobiles to purchase car insurance. Here's what House Speaker Paul Ryan had to say about the bill: "This could be called the Common Sense Act, because some things just make sense, and this is one of those things. Have a car? Why should you have car insurance? Don't have a car? Here's your car insurance. It's as simple as that." Up next on the slate for the GOP-led House is to pass a bill which forces the homeless to pay for mortgages of homeowners. While it's predicted this bill, "Homeless Homes," will easily pass in the House, the chances are slim it will pass in the Senate. With regard to this bill, President Donald Trump said, "This will be a yuge win, people! What better, more smarter way to spend mo...

After Donald Trump got off the phone with a Luciano Pavarotti impersonator, he celebrated at the White House, claiming he had just booked a concert with the legendary opera singer. During this celebration, Trump said: "Who said this presidenting thing was hard? This is my greatest accomplishment to this day! Pavarotti is going to come here, perform, and he's going to be tremendous, believe me! This is just fantastic, unbelievable!" For how much longer the president will celebrate is anyone's guess, as Luciano Pavarotti died 8 years ago. When asked for her reaction to the news, Pavarotti's widow, Nicoletta Mantovani, said, "I have no comment, and neither does my dead husband."

In a result which was predicted by experts, on its third attempt to do so, the GOP-led House passed the ASCA (American Steal Cars Act) with 217 votes. While the CBO (Congressional Budget Office) has yet to release their analysis of the bill, their analysis of the previous proposal claimed that, if passed, the bill would result in the following: - 20 million Americans losing their cars - Those who have ever been involved in a car accident may not be able to purchase a car in some states - Owners of automobiles who happen to be women won't be allowed an airbag in their cars - Car prices will increase for the bottom 5% - Free cars will be given to the top 2% Just prior to the vote, House Speaker Paul Ryan had this to say about the measure: "The way of buying automobiles of the past isn't working. People are going bankrupt with all their car expenses. Some are even dying as the result of accidents. We can no longer have the status quo. In some states, Iowa for in...

In a surprise move, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, while alongside his wife Janna, signed a prenuptial agreement without reading it yesterday. When asked why he did this, the Republican Congressman said: "Look, no matter what's in here, it's going to make my wife and my's marriage stronger. It's going to make our love grander, our trust greater, our sex annual. It's of no relevance that my Janna apparently wrote this with her guy on the side, Enrique; it's going to be what places the trials and tribulations of our past chapters behind us, and help us move toward a brighter chapter in our book of love. I've never been prouder to have signed something I didn't read than I am right now. It's not the first time, and it won't be the last time. You can be sure of that. It's like my dad always told me, 'You read, you learn, you write. You don't read, you don't learn, you right.' How right he was..." Janna, meanwhile...

President Donald Trump and other Republican leaders have faced a great deal of backlash in recent days over their new education reform proposal, entitled, "Fewer Schools, More Smarter People." This controversial bill is the GOP's first attempt at repealing former President Obama's "Education Is Good" law, which provided public education to at least 20 million more children. The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office (CBO), however, is reporting that the GOP's bill, if fully implemented, would likely result in 24 million kids going without public education - special needs children being the most seriously impacted. "Fewer Schools, More Smarter People" is now polling at just 17% approval, eight points lower than Fifty Shades of Grey (courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes - 25%), which one critic described as: "There is a very good chance that I will see nothing worse all year. I'm pretty sure I will see nothing more brain-witheringly stupid and b...

President Donald Trump released a video today where he attempted to persuade supporters to convince Congress they should pass his new healthcare reform law, The Good Die Now Act. Here is the full transcript: "My fellow Muricans. Now is the time to rise up and call your Congressmen to tell them, in order to consistently rise up yourselves, they need to pass my bigly good healthcare law, the Good Die Now Act. It's a million bajillion times better than Obamacare. Just the name is a quadzillion times better. I mean, look at it. Good is always great.  Die kind of rhymes with fight . Now backwards is won . You see? Everything about it is just fantastic, believe me. ...and even though Obamacare isn't actually called Obamacare, the Affordable Care Act still has Obama in the title, which makes it like really really bad, okay? So if you want to get rid of invisible Obama from the title of the Affordable Care Act once and for all, call your Congressmen and tell them to vote fo...

If there's one thing people should take from the new healthcare proposal, now referred to as Trumpcare, it's that Donald Trump and the other leaders of the Republican Party don't care. While the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare, is anything but a perfect law, it did help pave the way toward the lowest uninsured rate in this country's recorded history. Over 22 million who were uninsured prior to the ACA's implementation now have health insurance because of it. What is the CBO (Congressional Budget Office) projecting with regard to the American Health Care Act (Trumpcare)? Over 24 million losing healthcare. What's worse, even after Donald Trump claimed the CBO was biased prior to their reported analysis, the White House followed the CBO's projection by themselves predicting 26 million more would be uninsured following the implementation of the AHCA. Let's look at those numbers a bit more closely. Obamacare: +22 million insured Trumpcare: -24 million i...