The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

So, did you hear? Dick Cheney co-authored a column in The Wall Street Journal , where he both criticized and advised President Obama about the situation in Iraq. In light of this, word on the street has it that Tiger Woods will write a column where he gives helpful tips on how to have a very happy and long-lasting marriage. In the column, the Cheneys (Liz, along with Dick) wrote the following bits: - "Rarely has a U.S. president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many..." - "When Mr. Obama and his team came into office in 2009, al Qaeda in Iraq had been largely defeated, thanks primarily to the heroic efforts of U.S. armed forces during the surge..." - "The president is willfully blind to the impact of his policies..." - "...Weakness and retreat are provocative. U.S. withdrawal from the world is disastrous and puts our own security at risk." - "American freedom will not be secured by empty threats, meaningless red l...

I've long believed that the U.S. should make some rather significant cuts to its military budget and finally, it appears as if the Obama administration is about to propose just that. Of course, Darth Vader stunt-double Dick Cheney doesn't agree with these proposed cuts, as he made it known on Fox News yesterday, when he said this: "They peddle this line that now we're going to pivot to Asia, but they've never justified it. And I think the whole thing is not driven by any change in world circumstances, it's driven by budget considerations. He'd much rather spend the money on food stamps than he would on a strong military or support for our troops." Cheney's commentary here is extremely ironic, because many military families depend on governmental assistance (you know - food stamps) to get by from week to week. As the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities wrote in a recent analysis, "Nationwide, in any given month, a total of 900,000 vete...

Things could get a little awkward over the holidays at the Cheney's place. Liz Cheney - daughter of former Vice President and Darth Vader clone Dick Cheney - is running for a U.S. Senate seat in Wyoming as a Republican. Even though her sister, Mary, has come out of the closet and is married to Heather Poe, Liz hasn't been coy about her opposition to gay marriage. In response, Ms. Poe shared the following comment on Facebook: "I was watching my sister-in-law on Fox News Sunday (yes Liz, in fifteen states and the District of Columbia you are my sister-in-law) and was very disappointed to hear her say 'I do believe in the traditional definition of marriage.' Liz has been a guest in our home, has spent time and shared holidays with our children, and when Mary and I got married in 2012 - she didn't hesitate to tell us how happy she was for us. To have her now say she doesn't support our right to marry is offensive to say the least. I can't help but...

Weinergate (Anthony) has been a great deal of fun for me and most everyone else it seems. However, for as much fun as it has been, I feel the need to spread the love around some. I will now list a number of other political figures and come up with sext messages I feel they may send at some point in their lives (if they haven't already): Michele Bachmann: "God sent me to do things to you! It'll be hotter than a Minnesota winter!" Sarah Palin: "I bet I can see your dingaling from Russia! You betcha!" Jimmy Carter: "Hello. You look nice. Want to go get a hot fudge sundae sometime? Dairy Queen is great around this time of year." Bill Clinton: "Oh yeah... ::bites lower lip::" Dick Cheney: "So I shot my friend in the face with one. How about you help me unload my other gun?" Mitt Romney: "There's 47% of you I don't like so much, but the rest I really like. How about you put that 53% in action at my...

With Valentine's Day just a week away, I was thinking Dick Cheney should start designing and distributing his own Hallmark cards, especially those geared toward the day devoted to celebrating love. On one such card, the front would display Cheney snarling, and aiming a gun at a friend's (or a date's) face. The inside of the card would then read: "Roses are red, Violets are blue, You look like a bird to me, So f**k you! Happy Valentine's Day!" This looks to be a sure-fire winner and will likely just be the start of the Angry Dick Hallmark card series. Angry Dick Hallmark cards - they've got a mind of their own!

Just a day before the 11th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, former Vice President and permanent Darth Vader impersonator, Dick Cheney, had a spokesperson write the following: "If President Obama were participating in his intelligence briefings on a regular basis then perhaps he would understand why people are so offended at his efforts to take sole credit for the killing of Osama bin Laden." I have a hunch that something is eating away at Cheney - something resembling guilt perhaps, but being the Dark Lord and all, he has attempted to find a way to project that "guilt" onto another. A report, which was just released by The New York Times , showed ample evidence that the Bush Administration (or Cheney Administration as some liked to call it - I personally prefer the Dick and Bush Administration myself) ignored numerous C.I.A. warnings about a possible terrorist attack on American soil in the run-up to 9/11. In light of this report, perhaps Cheney is doing his dam...