The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

What I learned in Week 1 of the NFL season In Week 1 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...there are three guarantees in life: 1) Death, 2) Taxes, and 3) The Cleveland Browns smelling, looking, and playing like sh*t. - ..., when it comes to losing fumbles, a Baker's (Mayfield) dozen means something entirely different.  - ...nobody will remember these Titans. - ..., if the Rams ever play a game on the moon, they'll fly out of Los Angeles a half-hour before game-time.  - ...Aaron Rodgers may be fully immunized from losing to 3rd-string quarterbacks that rhyme with 'Blooper Crush.' - ...the Cowboys defense is softer than a roll of toilet paper Trump tosses from the America Ocean. - ..., if they were presented in a line-up of 2nd-half performances, witnesses wouldn't be able to differentiate between the Detroit Lions and the Ohio State Buckeyes. - ...the LA Chargers' spirit animal is the three-toed sloth. - ...Ben Johnson can officially be nicknamed the End Zone...

With everyone and their dad pulling out of Trump's "Great State American Fair," I thought I'd put together a Top Ten List regarding the matter. The Top Ten Artists Who Will Agree to Perform at Trump's "Great State American Fair" 10. The Rotting Bones 9. Fats Donnie-O 8. Three Cells Down 7. Guns N' Moses 6. Lack Sabbath 5. Rage Against the Hygiene 4. All Crowes Matter 3. The Artist Permanently Known As Dense 2. Limp Dipsh*t 1. (drumroll) Notorious B.I.G.L.Y.

The Top Ten Standout Features/Differences in the new T1 Trump Mobile Phone 10. Call-waiting isn't an option. If you receive a second call, and take it, the first caller receives the message, "You're fired." 9. The highest the battery can be charged is 45%. 8. The slogan will be, "Make America Great Again, Made in China." 7. The phones are designed to fit Trump's hands, so they're for ages 3-6. 6. It always blames others for glitches. 5. In order to use speaker, one must sign an NDA. 4. It prefers younger models. 3. If a woman aborts from a group-chat she was forced into, she will be imprisoned. 2. The ringtone is set to Trump repeatedly saying, "I love the poorly educated." 1. (drumroll) The voicemail will automatically say, "You've reached the stable genius. I'm probably home, but don't know how to work this stupid thing. Technology is so dumb sometimes. I know more about technology than the Amish do, believe me. I once da...

My latest Substack article, titled, "I didn't watch the SOTU, so you didn't have to...," can be found and read here. -  https://craigrozniecki.substack.com/p/i-didnt-watch-the-sotu-so-you-didnt?r=5axds0

The Top Ten Potential Announcements from Donald Trump at 2 pm Today 10. After bench-pressing a 1-lb. dumbbell, he'll look straight into the camera and declare, "I'm the strongest man in the world, bigly." 9. Attempting to prove he's in good health, he'll give the hokey pokey his best effort, but will be unable to turn himself around. He'll then claim the hokey pokey is "rigged." 8. He found Jesus, while staring into a gold mirror. 7. That he'll soon be joining Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy in the film, "Weekend at Donnie's." 6. That he's sick, and the only way to cure what he has is via horse-dewormer and injecting disinfectant. 5. To quell speculation, he'll announce that the Epstein Files can't be released, because he's being audited. 4. He's renaming the 'Indian Ocean' the 'Cleveland Ocean.' 3. He'll release hard evidence, which will distract the public's attention from the...

- "I like the GFY yourself one!!!" - "That's funny!" - "Awesome!" - "🤣🤣🤣Love 'em - catchy business name, too." - "Good job Craig! 👏" - "Witty and funny!" - "I want all of them!" - "Good luck the shirt game is brutal." - "I love Etsy…do you have any ‘Is he dead yet ‘…hats’" - "New shop👍" - "I just saw an ‘I dissent’…I like it.." - "Cool designs—love the creative resistance energy. Markets might not care about political tees, but @MatthewHarrisX2MaatthewHarrisXtthewHarrisX2 would probably appreciate the sentiment. Keep fighting the good fight." "Nice work. Graphic design is harder than it looks. I know this because I suck at it." "The shirts are awesome! The price is smart. Some stores asking $40+ for t shirts. The Groucho one made me giggle a bit because I love his quote about not wanting to join a club who would have him as a member. 😏...

I added two more anti-Trump/anti-MAGA shirts to my online shop, "When Shirtz Hit the Fan," yesterday. Here are the comments I've already received on them: - "Haha, as always, they are funny" - "Good job" - " 🔥 😂 " The first shirt plays off the Dos Equis commercials of old, where lil Donnie says, "I don't always care about D.C. crime. But when I do, I usually prefer to pardon 1,600 domestic terrorists." https://www.etsy.com/listing/4350830348/don-equis?ref=shop_home_active_2&logging_key=27a79ac833ac3406b0f406c064edbea2e1d9b1de%3A4350830348 For the other, I poked fun at MAGA anti-vaxxers, as the shirt says, "According to MAGA, these didn't exist prior to COVID shots: hangovers, papercuts, fevers, cowbell, bad drivers, tornadoes, barking dogs, holding calls, needles, toilet paper, America Online, Africa, Toto, numbers, letters, Starbucks." https://www.etsy.com/listing/4350880810/funny-covid-shot-t-shirt?ref=shop...

I created a pair of new anti-Trump/anti-MAGA shirts today.  The first plays off the Dos Equis commercials of old, where lil Donnie says, "I don't always care about D.C. crime. But when I do, I usually prefer to pardon 1,600 domestic terrorists."  https:// etsy.com/listing/435083 0348/don-equis?ref=shop_home_active_2&logging_key=27a79ac833ac3406b0f406c064edbea2e1d9b1de%3A4350830348   For the other, I poked fun at MAGA anti-vaxxers, as the shirt says, "According to MAGA, these didn't exist prior to COVID shots: hangovers, papercuts, fevers, cowbell, bad drivers, tornadoes, barking dogs, holding calls, needles, toilet paper, America Online, Africa, Toto, numbers, letters, Starbucks."   https://www.etsy.com/listing/4350880810/funny-covid-shot-t-shirt?ref=shop_home_active_1&logging_key=c0172c01e41c1eeb0869dbf723cbfef64b100ca1%3A4350880810 The rest of my wacky creations can be found here. - https://www.etsy.com/shop/WhenShirtzHitTheFan?ref=seller-platform-...

If you are a new reader who is in need of some laughs (or a regular who hasn't read all of my books yet), below are the links that will lead you to your happy place: If you prefer something big that feels good in your hands, purchase your paperbacks here (Get your mind out of the gutter...): http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?type=&keyWords=craig+rozniecki&x=7&y=5&sitesearch=lulu.com&q= If you're all about going green environmentally, most of my books are also available electronically at the following link (If you're going green literally, I recommend seeing a doctor...): http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_22?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=craig%20rozniecki%20kindle&sprefix=craig+rozniecki+kindle%2Caps%2C228&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Acraig%20rozniecki%20kindle My Twitter account is up to 102,995 followers and counting. To read the numerous articles I post or smartass quips I make, often times at the expense of the Oompa Loompa...

Check out my podcast, I Feel Snitty , where I combine facts, logic, & snark to tackle all the hot topics of this week, last week, & even six weeks from now. As Joe Biden's comedian doppelganger might say, I "mock malarkey." Follow me at this link: http://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/ #Podcast #Snark

Here is a running list of comments on parodies from my podcast, "I Feel Snitty." If you've yet to check it out or follow the show, you can do so at this link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/ 1) "Fabricate" (to the tune of Warren G's "Regulate") - “Lol! Amazing! I don’t know how you do this. 😂👏” - “What an active mind you have.” https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/placing-rap-in-the-crap-that-is-donald-trump/   2) "The Donald Fan" (to the tune of Billy Joel's "Piano Man") - "Love it!" https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-donald-fan-parody-based-off-the-billy-joel-song-piano-man/   3) "Tweeting Some Lies" (to the tune of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline") - "Very catchy!" - "Haha! That was great, Craig! Funny as hell!" - "You get the award for best tweet of the day!" https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/tweeting-some-lies-parody-based-on-t...