The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

I've never been one to club. I enjoy going to bars with friends or family, joking around, listening to good music, people-watching, and pretending we're on the show Mystery Science Theater 3000  as we make up stories about these very people. However, while I have no problem talking to random people at bars and introducing myself by sticking out my right hand out, saying, "I'm Craig," and shaking the person's hand, I've never been too fond of being introduced to someone by them rubbing themselves up against me without even telling me their name. Maybe I'm strange like that, but as my mama always said, "When speaking to a lady for the first time, make sure you're respectful to her. Don't go rubbing your junk all over her in hopes that your territory is marked and she'll only talk to you the rest of the night. This is especially the case if you got that herpes thing that's been going around." Alright, so my mother never said that...

Not too long ago, I was watching Family Feud , and upon hearing the question, "Name something a person does at the dinner table that's considered rude," was surprised to see "Elbows on the table" as the top answer. It was ahead of, "Burping," "Farting," "Talking with your mouth full," etc. Really? Seeing someone with their elbows on the table is more rude than letting nasty odors spread about the room via a fart a person has been holding in for a while, and a burrito finally provided the final punch for the the nastiness to fly? Right... I can really see the following two conversations occur after a first date: Post-first date conversation #1 Grace Amazin: "So...? How was the date?" Mary Samsonite: "It was going okay at first..." Grace: "But..." Mary: "But, while I was still eating, he put his stinking elbows on the table! How rude!" Grace: "Wow! What nerve!" Mary: ...

I understand this is probably more common than I realize, but one major pet peeve of mine is when my parents still treat me like a 6-year old child. This goes for my mother, in particular. Granted, I don't have any kids of my own, so it's difficult for me to fully relate to them and since I will never be a mother, I find it especially difficult to relate to my mother on this front. However, it still blows my mind that at 32 years of age, I am still sometimes seen as a little boy by them (her). Just the other night, we were having dinner together, and out of nowhere, my mother says, "Just for future reference, it's seen as uncouth to eat before everyone else has sat down and are ready to eat as well. ...just in case you ever have dinner with her family or whatnot (her meaning my girlfriend, I'm guessing)." I was speechless at first, especially since she had started eating before me. The other reason I was speechless was because I'm 32 years old. I pause...