I understand this is probably more common than I realize, but one major pet peeve of mine is when my parents still treat me like a 6-year old child. This goes for my mother, in particular. Granted, I don't have any kids of my own, so it's difficult for me to fully relate to them and since I will never be a mother, I find it especially difficult to relate to my mother on this front. However, it still blows my mind that at 32 years of age, I am still sometimes seen as a little boy by them (her).
Just the other night, we were having dinner together, and out of nowhere, my mother says, "Just for future reference, it's seen as uncouth to eat before everyone else has sat down and are ready to eat as well. ...just in case you ever have dinner with her family or whatnot (her meaning my girlfriend, I'm guessing)."
I was speechless at first, especially since she had started eating before me. The other reason I was speechless was because I'm 32 years old. I paused, before responding with a calm tone of voice, saying, "Uh, yeah, I realize this. You do know I'm not 8, right?," before kind of chuckling to myself. After my father sat down, I asked my mother, "Do you want to tell dad what you told me?," knowing full well he'd have the same reaction to it as I did. After she asked him, he said, "Yes, I know. I have been out in public before.," before he and I looked at one another and kind of rolled our eyes.
This definitely isn't the first time such a thing has happened and it likely won't be the last. I just wonder how common this kind of occurrence is, especially with mothers (and their sons). In any case, it bothers me a great deal, because while it most certainly isn't my mother's intention to make me feel this way, when she makes these comments regarding the obvious, in my mind, I have to wonder, "How stupid does she really think I am?" Heck, it made me feel this way as a teenager, let alone as a 32-year old adult.
Perhaps this is just a sign of continuing denial by the parents. In the parents' mind, they're probably thinking, "I'm just trying to help my baby - help him/her to grow up and be a mature, responsible adult." In their children's mind, they're probably thinking, "Yes, I know. I heard this same speech 20 years ago. I'm not stupid. I've actually learned how to do this in these past 20 years."
Whenever I hear these comments, I typically sigh, shake my head, and only allow my mind to speak the words I want to say in response. I hope the times become fewer and farther between, because if not, one of these days I may allow those mental responses to come to life.
I wonder how parents would respond if the reverse-scenario presented itself - if a child uttered one (or more) of these following comments:
- "You should always wash your hands after going to the bathroom, especially if you went #2."
- "You shouldn't fart at the dinner table."
- "It's rude to text your mistress while at an appointment with your shrink."
- "You shouldn't wear speedos when it's cold outside."
- "It's uncouth to say motherf***er while in church."
I'm guessing their likely response would be something along the lines of, "Well, duh. I'm not stupid." Exactly...
Just the other night, we were having dinner together, and out of nowhere, my mother says, "Just for future reference, it's seen as uncouth to eat before everyone else has sat down and are ready to eat as well. ...just in case you ever have dinner with her family or whatnot (her meaning my girlfriend, I'm guessing)."
I was speechless at first, especially since she had started eating before me. The other reason I was speechless was because I'm 32 years old. I paused, before responding with a calm tone of voice, saying, "Uh, yeah, I realize this. You do know I'm not 8, right?," before kind of chuckling to myself. After my father sat down, I asked my mother, "Do you want to tell dad what you told me?," knowing full well he'd have the same reaction to it as I did. After she asked him, he said, "Yes, I know. I have been out in public before.," before he and I looked at one another and kind of rolled our eyes.
This definitely isn't the first time such a thing has happened and it likely won't be the last. I just wonder how common this kind of occurrence is, especially with mothers (and their sons). In any case, it bothers me a great deal, because while it most certainly isn't my mother's intention to make me feel this way, when she makes these comments regarding the obvious, in my mind, I have to wonder, "How stupid does she really think I am?" Heck, it made me feel this way as a teenager, let alone as a 32-year old adult.
Perhaps this is just a sign of continuing denial by the parents. In the parents' mind, they're probably thinking, "I'm just trying to help my baby - help him/her to grow up and be a mature, responsible adult." In their children's mind, they're probably thinking, "Yes, I know. I heard this same speech 20 years ago. I'm not stupid. I've actually learned how to do this in these past 20 years."
Whenever I hear these comments, I typically sigh, shake my head, and only allow my mind to speak the words I want to say in response. I hope the times become fewer and farther between, because if not, one of these days I may allow those mental responses to come to life.
I wonder how parents would respond if the reverse-scenario presented itself - if a child uttered one (or more) of these following comments:
- "You should always wash your hands after going to the bathroom, especially if you went #2."
- "You shouldn't fart at the dinner table."
- "It's rude to text your mistress while at an appointment with your shrink."
- "You shouldn't wear speedos when it's cold outside."
- "It's uncouth to say motherf***er while in church."
I'm guessing their likely response would be something along the lines of, "Well, duh. I'm not stupid." Exactly...
I have the exact same problem! I'm married and my husband and I are trying to save up for a new apartment so we are staying at my mom's apartment. Every time I go out or want to cook for my husband because she eats at a different time she still brings out the most ridiculous comments that I have heard a million times already. I just graduated from university and I'm trying to be a responsible adult and just last week during my finals, I was getting ready to cook something for dinner and she tells me "you don't need to cook during finals I already cooked something for you, because you exams to focus on." I know she's trying to be nice but I'm literally married and I can take of myself and my studies. I have free time to cook so let me. It's like i'm still a four year old to her. And every time I'm about to go out she still tells me what to wear; such as "don't forget to wear a jacket." When I hear that I feel like she thinks I'm stupid or something. I know how to take care of myself and what to wear. It is very frustrating. Last month, I was going to meet up with some friends for breakfast, so I wanted to take a shower and usually don't like blowdrying my hair. I like it to dry naturally. I was heading to the door and she came out to say goodbye to me and commented that my hair is wet. I told her I know it is. She tells me to go dry my hair before I leave I told her I don't want to. I open the door and head to the elevator and she literally runs after me and yells out with an angry pissed off voice that I should dry my hair now! It is really ridiculous how she treats me. I do not know why she acts like that. If you have an answer for me please tell me!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you've had this issue as well. I have a hunch it occurs far more commonly than I'd like to believe. I joked around about it with my aunt one time (my mom's sister). She laughed and said, "Yeah, sadly, that's never going to change. No matter how old you are, she's going to see you as her little baby."
DeleteI'm sure both our mothers mean well. Perhaps it's just their motherly instincts talking, where they feel it's their constant job to worry about us. It gets old, can get quite frustrating, and feels demeaning to a certain extent, but whenever I run into this kind of situation, I just try to sigh, subtly shake my head and chuckle, and respond with, "I know..." To this point, that strategy has worked fairly well.
I would probably recommend sitting down with your mother and having a calm chat about the matter, just to let her know how you're feeling and that you'd appreciate being treated more like an adult. I can't guarantee that will work, since it didn't work very well for me. But, perhaps you'll get luckier on that front than I did, so it might be worth a shot. Best of luck with that and getting to that new apartment as soon as possible! :)
Thank you very much for understanding and for your advice. I will try and have a calm conversation with her about it and I hope she understands what I'm asking for.
DeleteYou're very welcome and I hope so too! Best of luck!
DeleteI have kicker for you. My boyfriend of 7 Years, his parents treat his 23 year old brother like he is a teenage boy.
ReplyDeleteThey say it's because he is still in college and lives at home but I think it's one of the most unhealthy things I have personally witnessed.
For example...they don't let him use his phone after 10pm, which is also his bed time. He's not allowed to stay with friends unless he asks permission and I have only seen them say yes, once in the 7 years I have known them.
Should I continue? He gets grounded, they give him random drug test, if he it comes back positive for marijuana, he has his car privelage a taken away.
Hmm..what else? He's not allowed to have a TV in his room because it will keep him from "family time."
Let me remind you, he is 23 soon to be 24 years old. Has anyone ever seen this level of smothering? It genuinely concerns me and sinice they pay for his college and give him a roof over his head, I think he feels he has no other choice but to endure the situation.
Wow, that's quite the story! Well, I can certainly understand why he feels stuck, given his folks are paying for his college tuition and providing him a roof over his head. However, even despite that, it sounds like quite an unhealthy relationship to me and the two parties (child and parents) need to find a way to communicate, express their concerns regarding the matter, and try to form some sort of compromise. If they'd all be willing, I might recommend they seek some sort of family counseling, for it might be easier to have an unbiased mediator present to help get the two parties on the same wavelength by opening up to one another, less fearful of potential repercussions due to approaching the subject. If the parents are unwilling to meet him halfway, would there be any chance he could move in with another family member or friend (or the dorms), or is part of the deal to having his tuition paid for living at home so his parents can keep an eye on him at all times (it sounds like)?
DeleteHe is applying to a 4 year University this year, we are trying to encourage him to go further from home and move into the dorms. We hope he will take our advice.
DeleteMy boyfriend and I are constantly traveling for work, however when we get a few days of down time, we visit with his family where it tends to get awkward real quick!
The latest visit, we were told not to allow his brother to have his girlfriend over while they were not home and to tell them if he does not obey their wishes. They need adult supervision apparently and he is not allowed to be alone with her.
I replied, Isn't he 23 years old? And that I would not act as his parent, I would prefer to stay out of it.
When is it okay to speak up? I feel silly sitting idly by, but is it my place to say something? I really don't know!
I have kicker for you. My boyfriend of 7 Years, his parents treat his 23 year old brother like he is a teenage boy.
ReplyDeleteThey say it's because he is still in college and lives at home but I think it's one of the most unhealthy things I have personally witnessed.
For example...they don't let him use his phone after 10pm, which is also his bed time. He's not allowed to stay with friends unless he asks permission and I have only seen them say yes, once in the 7 years I have known them.
Should I continue? He gets grounded, they give him random drug test, if he it comes back positive for marijuana, he has his car privelage a taken away.
Hmm..what else? He's not allowed to have a TV in his room because it will keep him from "family time."
Let me remind you, he is 23 soon to be 24 years old. Has anyone ever seen this level of smothering? It genuinely concerns me and sinice they pay for his college and give him a roof over his head, I think he feels he has no other choice but to endure the situation.