The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

I'm not exactly sure why I tend to enjoy torturing myself by regularly reading through the Columbus Dispatch letters-to-the-editor, but I again did so today, and as usual, I was not left disappointed. By disappointed , I mean, due to the rather high frequency of grammatically putrid and laughably inaccurate letters I read in the Dispatch , my expectations are such that, if I didn't read such a letter in a given day's viewing, I'd walk away being quite surprised and oddly missing the typical laughter such letters tend to prompt. The winner for craziest letter-to-the-editor of the day goes to one Mike Queen of Lucasville, Ohio, who wrote the following piece, which was entitled, "Strickland should fear God, not voters": "Democratic Senate candidate Ted Strickland has insulted God and betrayed the values of the people of Southern Ohio from where he comes ( Dispatch article, May 8). By referring to marriage exclusively between one man and one woman as prej...

Arkansas senator and man voted most likely to be awarded the "Face of Stupid" for the year 2015 - Tom Cotton - recently added to his ever growing list of comments that make those with IQ's of 70 feel like they have IQ's of 100. Yes, the man with the plan for Iran, which included a condescending lecture-like letter on the U.S. Constitution that wasn't fully accurate, has been labeled as treasonous by some, and had the potential of completely derailing significant progress made by the U.S. in their negotiations with Iran regarding its nuclear program, is at it again - this time with regard to the controversial Indiana RFRA bill (Religious Freedom Restoration Act). Appearing on CNN, the Republican senator said this: "...I also think it's important that we have a sense of perspective about our priorities (with regard to RFRA). In Iran, they hang you for the crime of being gay. They're currently imprisoning an American preacher for spreading the gospel...

A week ago today, Texas Governor Rick Perry made an appearance in San Francisco, and answered a question regarding homosexuality with this: "Whether or not you feel compelled to follow a particular lifestyle or not, you have the ability to decide not to do that. I may have the genetic coding that I'm inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way." A person doing several shots of liquor every night and attempting to drive home drunk? Someone who is sexually attracted to and loves another of the same gender? Yeah, that's exactly the same thing! Setting: A gay man gets pulled over by a cop late at night Francois Shaftacular: "Is there a problem, officer?" Officer Richard Head: "License and registration please..." Francois: "I don't think I was speeding. Is one of my break-lights out or something?" Officer Dick: "I've heard about you, Fran, Fran, F...

Being as progressive as I am, it's getting a tad tiring having to wade through all the far-right talking points I read in the editorial and letter-to-the-editor pages of the Columbus Dispatch . The latest one comes courtesy of Dick Alexander from Pickerington, Ohio. In today's paper, his letter-to-the-editor, entitled, "Anti-Gun Zealots Disrespect Constitution," was printed and said this: "The Associated Press article 'One nation, divided over guns' in the Sunday Dispatch was a waste of the paper it was printed on. Everyone knows about the divide. The end result desired by gun opponents is pretty simple to accomplish: change the U.S. Constitution. The anti-gun groups want to achieve their end results by using a tactic of President Barack Obama, by circumventing the Constitution. If 60 percent of the public wanted to restrict guns, it would still require changing our Constitution to achieve that goal. The left’s mantra is always the same: Can...

I recently went to the restaurant Cracker Barrel. I don't go there very often, but once in a while, I crave old-fashioned Southern cuisine. Since there was a fairly long wait, I had to place my name on a waiting list. The woman writing the name spelled Craig as "Krieg," and then pronounced it "Kreeeeeg." I found this amusing enough to post a status about it on Facebook. Upon doing so, however, an old friend of mine informed me that Cracker Barrel is an anti-LGBT establishment. He then later informed me that he had been misinformed, that the anti-LGBT owner of the restaurant(s) had passed away a year or so ago, but that he'd have a hard time believing the place has changed its stance much on the issue. I am all about equality for the LGBT community. I can completely understand members of the LGBT community boycotting a particular business due to their outspokenness against their attaining equal rights, like Chick fil-A or the Salvation Army has done in the ...

Over the weekend, former Arkansas Governor, current Fox News host, and future star in the film Pillsbury Doughboy - Mike Huckabee - went on a rant about the Supreme Court DOMA ruling, where he uttered the following gems: "If we're determined to change the definition of marriage to accommodate how people feel and what they wish to do because of their mutual consent, then we should immediately release those incarcerated for practicing polygamy or bigamy. And, frankly, let's make all consensual adult behaviors legal, whether prostitution, assisted suicide, or even drinking 16 ounce sodas in New York City." Yes, because they're all the same. A gay couple loving one another and being legally allowed to marry = a person being legally able to pay another for sex = a person being legally able to end a suffering person's life with his or her consent = a person being legally able to drink a 16 ounce soda in New York City. Oh, and by the way, polygamy is a type of m...

I'm amazed by the number of "quality" letters-to-the-editor that are published in The Columbus Dispatch . Another dandy of a letter was printed in today's paper, entitled, "Supreme Court is doing work of the devil." Let me guess, this has something to do with the DOMA ruling. Here's how the letter started: "We were appalled to watch the devil win again on Wednesday as the U.S. Supreme Court rules in favor of homosexuality ("Marriage issue will shift to states, Dispatch article, Thursday). The justices who voted for this abhorrent lifestyle showed exactly why they were put on the court." Okay, first off, who is "we?" Is a person with multiple personalities writing this letter? Is the writer speaking of he and an invisible buddy named Yahweh? Alright, please continue... "They were placed on the bench to continue the devil's destruction of America. The United States was founded by God-fearing people to do God's wo...

Radio talk show host and model for the characters of the game Hungry Hungry Hippos - Rush Limbaugh - appeared to be quite confused about history on yesterday's show, which largely dealt with the Supreme Court's DOMA ruling. At one point, Limbaugh said this: "...Nobody has ever been denied the right to marry. Not a single person. Stop and think about that. Marriage is something. Nobody is saying it's not. If you want to get married, there are certain qualifications. There have been certain qualifications. If you don't meet them, you can't do it. I can't get into a bunch of clubs I'd like to get into either, 'cause I don't fit." I honestly didn't have to think about this much to know Rush is wrong. I know it's easy for him to say that "nobody has ever been denied the right to marry," for he's been married four times now. Sadly enough, Limbaugh got into the following back-and-forth earlier in the program: Caller: ...

Sometimes, Republicans just don't know which fights to pick, do they? Like with trying to repeal Obamacare 37 times and failing all thirty-seven of those times, Kansas Representative and man voted most likely to be the hybrid of a tramp and a KKK member - Tim Huelskamp - said this in response to the Supreme Court's DOMA ruling yesterday: "My response to this will be later this week to file a federal marriage amendment." Recent CNN and Gallup polls have shown that a majority of Americans believe that gay marriages should be recognized by federal law (55% in the CNN poll and 53% in the Gallup poll), yet what did Mr. Huelskamp have to say about this? "A majority of Americans don't like President Obama as president, but he's still the president. What did not happen is what the court and then the folks pushing for [DOMA repeal] hoped would happen: that it would end the debate. The debate is not over." At this current time, 46.4% of Americans appro...

Whenever a pro-gay rights decision is made, I love to hear the far-right's reactions. They're typically crazier than Looney Tunes characters eating Cocoa Puffs while tripping acid. That very trend continued today in light of the Supreme Court's decision to strike down DOMA. Here are some of my favorite such reactions, and my smart aleck commentary to each: Michigan Representative Tim Walberg: "For the best interest of society itself ... we have defined a marriage between a man and woman in the interest of those children... Society itself is at risk." Yes, because in light of this ruling, every state in the country is going to legalize same-sex marriage tomorrow - even Alabama, Oklahoma, Wyoming, and Utah - and every person in this county, whether straight, gay, or bi, will marry someone of the same sex in the next 48 hours. Every person in every couple will remain 100% faithful to the other and there will not any kind of reproduction for the remainder of Ameri...

I just read a letter-to-the-editor in The Columbus Dispatch which got my blood boiling some, and I felt the need to respond with a letter of my own. It likely won't get published because it's a tad longer than the paper typically likes it, but in any case, I thought I'd share it with readers. Here it is: This letter is in response to the June 26th letter-to-the-editor, written by Wendy Kirk, and titled "Our society makes sex too easy for kids." Ms. Kirk starts her letter by saying, "Why do we as a society fight so hard for our children to have sex?" I think that's exaggerating matters just a touch. It's not like parents all across the country have formed a group by the name of "We Want Our Kids to Get Laid Soon." So, what evidence is there of this claim? The writer then followed that with this: "In some states and schools, kids as young as 9 are required to have the Gardasil vaccine, which is supposed to prevent cancers ...

It appears as if a die-hard pro-gun rights group has been placing a number of posters around the Washington State Capitol in recent days, in an attempt to speak out against gun-control legislation by comparing such legislation to discrimination against gays. One poster showcases two women holding one another, with the following words appearing alongside them - "Some people dislike gays. Others dislike guns. We should not base our laws on personal dislikes." A second poster depicts two gay men holding guns (not the ones below their waists...), whom are surrounded by these words: "We won our right to marry...now it's time to defend our right!" "And we sure as hell aren't going to take sh*t from homophobes in the process!" These are ridiculous arguments all the way around. On the first poster, it's comparing the rights of gays to the rights of guns, saying these rights shouldn't be taken away due to people's "personal dislik...

Very recently, I've seen some far-right evangelicals make comparisons between NBA basketball player Jason Collins and NFL player Tim Tebow. It's usually provided in the form of a cartoon, which goes something like this: Tebow: "I'm a Christian." Media: "Shut your mouth! Keep your religion to yourself!" Collins: "I'm gay." Media: "You're a hero!" First off, the bit regarding Tebow is a definite exaggeration. While the media loves to hear good soundbites and Tebow isn't really known for that, I haven't heard anyone in the media start yelling at the quarterback after he gives thanks to God. It's not like I've heard anything such as this: Tebow: "First off, I've got to give praise to God for giving me the opportunity to play...and..." Reporter Fernando Dipshitz: "Hey, Tebow! Shut the hell up! We don't give a rat's a*s about your God! Talk football, godda*mit!" No, l...

While I would do anything but describe myself as a Republican, I will give credit where credit is due, regardless of a politician's party affiliation. So, in light of Republican Ohio Senator Rob Portman writing an op-ed in the Columbus Dispatch where he shared his evolutionary thoughts and feelings regarding gay marriage, I sent the senator an e-mail welcoming him to the fight for gay-marriage rights. He just responded with: " Dear Craig,   Thank you for taking the time to contact my office to share your support for my position on recognizing marriages between gay couples.  I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.  My son Will is an amazing young man, and I am very proud of him.    In case you missed it, I wanted to share  my op-ed on this issue, which was published in the Columbus Dispatch on March 15, 2013.   The Freedom to Marry By Rob Portman   I have come to believe that if two people are prepared to mak...

Far-right die-hards in the media seem to be obsessed with the end of the world. Perhaps it's because they're somewhat suicidal, yet feel they won't go to heaven if they commit such an act, so they hope someone either ends the world so they rise up to heaven or Jesus comes again and takes them away from this God-awful place (how I never understood that phrase...). Perhaps they're tripping acid quite regularly and as a result, are more coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs than Hugh Hefner is disease-ridden and horny. There are a number of possibilities. The reason I bring this up is due to what Fox News contributors Todd Starnes and Erick Erickson had to say recently regarding the Supreme Court's pending gay-marriage rights decision. When speaking on American Family Radio, Starnes said the following: "You know, it's as if we're second-class citizens now (Christians) because we support the traditional, Biblical definition of marriage, or perhaps we are pro-life, an...

As I've written about previously, Republican Ohio Senator Rob Portman made news not long ago after writing an op-ed in the Columbus Dispatch sharing his support for gay marriage rights, largely due to his son Will coming out of the closet. While some liberals have not been very forgiving of Senator Portman due to his previous anti-gay marriage rights commentary, I've tried to welcome the man to the ever expanding circle fighting for gay rights. Also, while some liberals have not been very welcoming of Senator Portman's evolved views on the issue of gay rights, it has appeared as if most die-hard conservatives have been even less welcoming of them. Following the release of Senator Portman's op-ed, right-wing blog Government Is Not God gave warning to the senator that homosexuality "may eventually kill his son from AIDS, other sexually transmitted diseases, or oral cancer." I know - isn't that sweet? I have a feeling I know what the writers over at Gov...

To my surprise, Republican Ohio Senator Rob Portman just recently wrote an op-ed in the Columbus-Dispatch , where he took a stand for gay marriage rights. Prior to this, he's consistently publicly decried gays' rights to get married, however, as his op-ed showcases, the Republican Senator's perspective on the matter has evolved. In the op-ed, Portman wrote: "I have come to believe that if two people are prepared to make a lifetime commitment to love and care for each other in good times and in bad, the government shouldn't deny them the opportunity to get married. This isn't how I've always felt. As a congressman, and more recently as a senator, I opposed marriage for same-sex couples. Then something happened that led me to think through my position in a much deeper way. Two years ago, my son Will, then a college freshman, told my wife, Jane, and me that he is gay. He said he'd known for some time, and that his sexual orientation wasn't some...

Rush Limbaugh is at it again! No, not eating, although, I have to assume he still does that pretty regularly. Will that be five large fries or six? No, what I mean is Mr. Limbaugh is back to spewing drivel that is more ridiculous than Nickelback being handed an award for "Most Original Music." Recently, Limbaugh said the following on his show: "There is a movement on to normalize pedophilia, and I guarantee you your reaction to that is probably much the same reaction when you first heard about gay marriage. What has happened to gay marriage? It's become normal - and in fact, with certain people in certain demographics it's the most important issue in terms of who they vote for. So don't pooh-pooh. There's a movement to normalize pedophilia. Don't pooh-pooh it. The people behind it are serious, and you know the left as well as I do. They glom onto something and they don't let go... What is their objective? They want us to all think that pedop...

In light of the tragic elementary school shooting, which ended with twenty-six casualties (excluding the shooter) - twenty of which were 6- and 7-year old kids - most of the country has tried figuring out who or what to blame. This is extremely common when tragedies strike. When the Columbine school shootings occurred, the media was quick to blame violent video games and musician Marilyn Manson. There was little to no evidence to suggest this, especially with regard to Manson, since it was later discovered the two shooters didn't even like his music. However, it made the nation feel some sense of collective relief, in being able to solve the riddle, as well as push responsibility as far away from themselves as was possible. Following the Friday shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, there have been three main areas of blame: 1) Lack of mental health services/funding 2) Lack of gun regulation 3) Violent video games Those have been the main three areas of focus, especially for liber...

Republican Kansas State Senate candidate Steve Fitzgerald recently told the Polish American Club that the Democratic Party has become un-Christian. When asked about this comment by The Huffington Post , Fitzgerald responded with the following: "My main point is that the Democratic platform and policies nationally are in attempt to redefine marriage in effect to say what Christ has said about marriage is a lie. Christ said marriage is between one man and one woman and the Democratic platform said that it's not true. So therefore, my point was that one cannot support the Democratic platform and be a follower of Christ. ...The contention that I said that one cannot be Catholic or Christian and a Democrat is not an unreasonable summation of what I actually said. My actual message was fix the party or leave." I'm thinking that Mr. Fitzgerald hasn't read The Bible - that or has read a different version of it. I'm guessing in this edited version, the following...