The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

“1965” (parody based on the Prince song “1999”) (So, we abolished slavery But we would like to bring it back) We’ll change the terminology So it don’t sound like we’re against blacks   (Let’s go and pass some bills To make it harder for you to vote) You’re no longer three-fifths a person Yet we still think your voice shouldn’t count   Cuz we know Our policies were only popular at the dawn of time So everybody should pretend that it’s 1965   We’ll put you in prison for pot 20 to life sounds bigly fair Require fines you can’t afford Unless you’re a millionaire   Good luck getting a job Or any kind of ID We’ll force you back to crime And then make you wish that you were never free   Cuz we know Our policies were only popular at the dawn of time So everybody should pretend that it’s 1965   We like to say All Lives Matter Yeah, but that doesn’t make it so When a comatose black man gets shot We fig...

Let's not beat around the bush, I believe Donald Trump to be a moron of unbelievable proportions. In saying that, however, there may be an unintentional genius about him. I know, I know, that's crazy talk, but hear me out for a second. Whatever one may want to believe, Donald Trump has no moral core. The man has changed party affiliation more often than an employee at a daycare center by the name of 101 Babies Getting Fed Nothing But Curry changes diapers. He's switched from Republican to Democrat to Independent to a party by the name of Orange Maniacal Man-Children. He's supported abortion rights, been against them; supported universal healthcare, opposed it; etc. To save us time, let's just say it's a safe bet the man's opinions have contradicted themselves on multiple occasions throughout his 70+ years. Moderate Republicans have even gone so far as to lay claim that Trump isn't representative of the GOP. Since the inception of Donald Trump's ca...

This may come as a great shock to many of my readers, fans, and followers, but I want the Republican Party to return to respectability. I want the GOP to return to the Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Dwight Eisenhower days. On election day, I want to choose between the better of two respectables, not the better of two evils. The biggest reason why I spend so much time satirizing the modern-day Republican Party is because I want its members to finally realize how the GOP has been hijacked by racists, sexists, homophobes, oligarchs, narcissists, conspiracy theorists, and phony Christians, and to take it back. Unfortunately, that has yet to occur, but I still remain cautiously optimistic it will at some point. Segueing from that, a number of self-described Republicans are, to this day, still naively stuck on the party's name, claiming it represents today what it represented 150 years ago. I'm sorry, but the party names mean relatively little. If a KKK member was a regist...

I thought I'd finally reached a point where no right-wing "religious liberty" argument would surprise me enough to feel the need to write about it. Sadly, Texas Senator Ted Cruz proved me wrong. In a recent interview with Newsmax 's Ed Berliner, Cruz said the following on the matter: "Imagine if this were inverted. Imagine if there weer a gay florist - now I know that's hard to imagine, a gay florist - but just go with the hypo[thetical] for a second. Imagine if two evangelical Christians came to a gay florist and they wanted to get married, and the florist said, 'You know what? I disagree with your faith. I have problems with your faith.' You have no entitlement to force that florist to provide flowers at the Christians' wedding. We are a pluralistic nation that tolerates diversity." Actually, history would showcase otherwise, Mr. Cruz, for the Civil Rights Act of 1964 says that, "All persons shall be entitled to the full and equa...

The Republican Party's re-branding effort has gone about as smoothly as a man with Tourette's Syndrome hitting on a blind woman. Some members of the GOP have admitted the party needs to reach out to a broader range of voters, including women and minorities. However, that hasn't gone so well and an increasing number of Republicans are starting to suggest there's really no point in trying to reach out to such voters. In a last ditch effort, the party has tried resorting to history to woo the vote of minorities, African-Americans in particular. Members have said, "Which party was mainly responsible for passing the Civil Rights Act and the Voting Rights Act? It was the Republican Party! Come on! Why don't you support the party that supported you back in 1964?" That's the thing. While it's true that under then Democratic President Lyndon B. Johnson, approximately 80% of Republican House and Senate members voted for the Civil Rights Act and close t...