The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

In Week 5 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...it takes Jayden Daniels 3 hours to watch '60 Minutes.' - ..., once a week, Drake Maye and Josh Allen hold a candy bar up to the sky, just to say they saw the Milky Way. - ...the only thing worse than watching the Jets try to move the football is watching the Browns try to move the football against the Jets. - ..., in London, Nick Sirianni coaches like he's pissed up. - ..., if Jim Harbaugh's team were an airport, they'd be LAC LAX. - ...Mike Ditka joined Chris Farley and George Wendt in throwing beers at Da Bears in their embarrassing loss to the Packers. - ...Dan Quinn will soon be facing the wrath of protests nationwide, orchestrated by PETH (People for the Ethical Treatment of Headsets). - ...it's inevitable the San Francisco 49ers will be the focal point of Terry Gilliam's latest creation, "Monty Python and the Gold Rush." In it, the main character, representing the team, will have each of his...

I saw the forthcoming post on Facebook; saw it was filled with gobbledygook; and decided to dissect the list, bigly. 1) Do you dislike that he made cruelty to animals a FELONY?  Grade: I'll give this a 'kinda' "The bill, introduced in the House by Rep. Ted Deutch, D-Fla., and Rep. Vern Buchanan, R-Fla., is an expansion on the 2010 Animal Crush Video Prohibition Act, which made the creation and distribution of 'animal crushing' videos illegal," which was signed by then President Obama. I have a feeling this is going to be trending soon (Trump taking credit for that which started under Obama). https://www.aspca.org/about-us/press-releases/aspca-commends-new-animal-crush-video-law 2) Do you dislike that he gave billions to stop the opioid crisis?  Grade: Messy consext, I mean missing context Money spent on the opioid crisis 2017: $970M (under Trump) 2018: $930M (under Trump) 2019: $7.6B (under Trump) 2020-2024: $8.1B (under both Trump and Biden, mostly under ...

In Week 4 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...zebras need to be randomly tested for steroids. - ..., the only way a quarterback-matchup could be less likeable than DeShaun Watson vs. Aaron Rodgers, is if Ted Cruz and Jar Jar Binks were behind center. - ..., if Jameis Winston were bowling, there would be equal odds of him rolling 12 strikes or 20 gutterballs.   - ...the NFL is suffering the Madeline Kahn curse, as Mrs. White has made sure of it that quarterbacks "should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable." - ...Josh Allen's Achilles heel is obviously behind-the-back-intentional-grounding passes. - ...it is 90% likely half the league's officials will be listed as questionable for this week's games, due to tendinitis in the wrist, from throwing a record number of flags this past weekend.  - ...the Eagles hold onto leads about as well as pigeons miss when flying overhead.  - ..., when facing the Lions secondary, 3rd down is always a charm. - ...the Ta...

Including today’s jobs report, here’s a breakdown of the jobs numbers since Reagan left office. George H.W. Bush (Republican, 4 years) 02/89-01/90: +2.035M 02/90-01/91: -138k 02/91-01/92: -693k 02/92-01/93: +1.425M Total: +2.629M Bill Clinton (Democrat, 8 years) 02/93-01/94: +2.811M 02/94-01/95: +3.904M 02/95-01/96: +1.812M 02/96-01/97: +3.039M 02/97-01/98: +3.450M 02/98-01/99: +2.893M 02/99-01/00: +3.312M 02/00-01/01: +1.692M Total: +22.913M George W. Bush (Republican, 8 years) 02/01-01/02: -1.844M 02/02-01/03: -286k 02/03-01/04: +183k 02/04-01/05: +2.025M 02/05-01/06: +2.646M 02/06-01/07: +2.045M 02/07-01/08: +919k 02/08-01/09: -4.312M Total: +1.376M Barack Obama (Democrat, 8 years) 02/09-01/10: -4.277M 02/10-01/11: +1.035M 02/11-01/12: +2.409M 02/12-01/13: +2.011M 02/13-01/14: +2.304M 02/14-01/15: +3.007M 02/15-01/16: +2.642M 02/16-01/17: +2.418M Total: +11.549M Donald Trump (Republican, 4 years) 02/17-01/18: +2.032M 02/18-01/19: +2.400M 02/19-01/20: +1.971M 02/20-01/21: -9.168M Tot...

Here's how I imagine a conversation with an Ohio MAGAt (or any MAGAt, really), leading up to the midterm elections. Who are you voting for in the midterms? MAGA: "Republicans, of course!" Why? MAGA: "So we don't turn into a communist whatever!" Can you define 'communism' for me? MAGA: "What, are you some kind of socialist?" I'm just asking, since you brought it up yourself, what in fact is 'communism?' MAGA: "It's what the commies do." And what are 'commies?' MAGA: "They're the ones in charge of communism." Without saying 'commies,' what is 'communism?' MAGA: "What the communists do." Okay, I see I'm not getting very far with this. What other reasons do you have for voting Republican in the midterms? MAGA: "Sex-changes" Excuse me? MAGA: "All these kids are going to school and getting sex-changes." At school? ...

Good morning. I've decided to start the day by giving my best Progressive-commercial impression, for I am about to start sounding like my parents. One person's trash is another person's treasure, and one generation's slang is another generation's punchline. Here now is Gen Y's take on Gen Z slang. Be sure to have some Excedrin handy.  Emily: "My boyfriend literally beat around the bush!" Jacob: "Based!" Emily: "Like seriously, no cap!" Jacob: "I'm not gonna lie; that shit's peak, mid sus AF! He's cooked!" Emily: "No rizz, so cringe" Jacob: "Skibidi" Emily: "6-7, 6-7, 6-7" Jacob: "Fire, bro!" Emily: "Bruh"

The Top Ten Trump Birthday Requests/Gifts 10. A lifetime supply of Whoppers 9. The audiobook for "Two Corinthians Walk Into a Bar" 8. Cheeto spray tan 7. A black belt in bunker-hiding 6. An unlimited supply of Monopoly get-out-of-jail-free cards 5. An Ivanka Trump blow-up doll 4. The Mike Huckabee-VHS-narrated documentary, "Rambo Christ" 3. A new rodent to place on his head, courtesy of RFK, Jr. 2. A crucifix featuring his name and "The Best Wood" 1. (drumroll) A coffee mug which reads, "Higher Approval Rating Then IQ"

The Top Ten Trump-Inspired TV Shows 10. The Best Wing in the History of the World of the Universe of the Galaxy of the United States of America 9. Scamfilled 8. Thrice Married...with Children He Wants to Bang 7. Curb Your Patriotism 6. Bad Deal or Worst Deal? 5. Arrests in Development 4. Orange Is the New Wack 3. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire After Starting As a Billionaire? 2. How I Raped Your Mother 1. (drumroll) The Ep Files

The Top Ten Celebrity-Name-Gaffes by Donald Trump (Inspired by Drumpf referring to Pee Wee Herman as "Pinky Herman") 10. Opera Winfrey (Oprah Winfrey) 9. Lady Googoogaga (Lady Gaga) 8. Tom PT Cruiser (Tom Cruise) 7. Diesel Washington (Denzel Washington) 6. Antonio Bandanas (Antonio Banderas) 5. Kareem Abdul-Gaybar (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) 4. Thumb Yorke (Thom Yorke) 3. Semen Biles (Simone Biles) 2. Maryland Mansion (Marilyn Manson) 1. (drumroll) Boner (Bono)

In Week 3 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...'Hot Tub Time Machine' was a documentary, for there's no other way Case Keenum and Andy Dalton could have played on Sunday, unless it was 2011. - ...the only thing uglier than a nor'easter is watching Cam Ward and Jameis Winston try to throw footballs in a nor'easter. - ...Jim Harbaugh, even with the most klepto of sign-stealers, couldn't win with this bunch. - ..., it's late September, and there's already been a Santa-sighting. His name is Drake Maye, and he's handing out presents like it's late December.  - ...the officials from the Rams/Broncos game should start wearing brand names on their uniforms. DraftKings will likely be front and center. - ..., after being traded from the Minnesota Vikings to the New York Giants, JJ McCarthy will likely be placed on IR, due to jet lag. - ..., if his team doesn't improve, the Green Bay Packers head coach may wind up in a "Dodgeball" sequel ...

What I learned in Week 2 of the NFL season In Week 2 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...it'll soon be easier to find Jimmy Hoffa than a healthy starting quarterback in the NFC. - ..., if you're Aaron Rodgers, 42 is not the new 38. - ...the only chance the Browns have of making the postseason is if they're placed under a weather-delay from now until January.  - ..., if you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right, unless you're the Titans or Jets - then odds are you probably can't. - ...Jim Harbaugh's team appears less Charged than a comatose sloth, nicknamed Prozac. - ...Jayden Daniels and Jaxson Dart once arm-wrestled; both were carried off on stretchers with ruptured Achilles'. - ..., as the Atlanta Falcons have proved, the 4th quarterback isn't the charm. - ...those most susceptible to heart attacks are: the old, the fat, and the 2026-2027 New Orleans Saints fans. - ...the Lions secondary has more holes in it than a spong...