The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

In Week 4 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...zebras need to be randomly tested for steroids. - ..., the only way a quarterback-matchup could be less likeable than DeShaun Watson vs. Aaron Rodgers, is if Ted Cruz and Jar Jar Binks were behind center. - ..., if Jameis Winston were bowling, there would be equal odds of him rolling 12 strikes or 20 gutterballs.   - ...the NFL is suffering the Madeline Kahn curse, as Mrs. White has made sure of it that quarterbacks "should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable." - ...Josh Allen's Achilles heel is obviously behind-the-back-intentional-grounding passes. - ...it is 90% likely half the league's officials will be listed as questionable for this week's games, due to tendinitis in the wrist, from throwing a record number of flags this past weekend.  - ...the Eagles hold onto leads about as well as pigeons miss when flying overhead.  - ..., when facing the Lions secondary, 3rd down is always a charm. - ...the Ta...

Including today’s jobs report, here’s a breakdown of the jobs numbers since Reagan left office. George H.W. Bush (Republican, 4 years) 02/89-01/90: +2.035M 02/90-01/91: -138k 02/91-01/92: -693k 02/92-01/93: +1.425M Total: +2.629M Bill Clinton (Democrat, 8 years) 02/93-01/94: +2.811M 02/94-01/95: +3.904M 02/95-01/96: +1.812M 02/96-01/97: +3.039M 02/97-01/98: +3.450M 02/98-01/99: +2.893M 02/99-01/00: +3.312M 02/00-01/01: +1.692M Total: +22.913M George W. Bush (Republican, 8 years) 02/01-01/02: -1.844M 02/02-01/03: -286k 02/03-01/04: +183k 02/04-01/05: +2.025M 02/05-01/06: +2.646M 02/06-01/07: +2.045M 02/07-01/08: +919k 02/08-01/09: -4.312M Total: +1.376M Barack Obama (Democrat, 8 years) 02/09-01/10: -4.277M 02/10-01/11: +1.035M 02/11-01/12: +2.409M 02/12-01/13: +2.011M 02/13-01/14: +2.304M 02/14-01/15: +3.007M 02/15-01/16: +2.642M 02/16-01/17: +2.418M Total: +11.549M Donald Trump (Republican, 4 years) 02/17-01/18: +2.032M 02/18-01/19: +2.400M 02/19-01/20: +1.971M 02/20-01/21: -9.168M Tot...

Here's how I imagine a conversation with an Ohio MAGAt (or any MAGAt, really), leading up to the midterm elections. Who are you voting for in the midterms? MAGA: "Republicans, of course!" Why? MAGA: "So we don't turn into a communist whatever!" Can you define 'communism' for me? MAGA: "What, are you some kind of socialist?" I'm just asking, since you brought it up yourself, what in fact is 'communism?' MAGA: "It's what the commies do." And what are 'commies?' MAGA: "They're the ones in charge of communism." Without saying 'commies,' what is 'communism?' MAGA: "What the communists do." Okay, I see I'm not getting very far with this. What other reasons do you have for voting Republican in the midterms? MAGA: "Sex-changes" Excuse me? MAGA: "All these kids are going to school and getting sex-changes." At school? ...

Good morning. I've decided to start the day by giving my best Progressive-commercial impression, for I am about to start sounding like my parents. One person's trash is another person's treasure, and one generation's slang is another generation's punchline. Here now is Gen Y's take on Gen Z slang. Be sure to have some Excedrin handy.  Emily: "My boyfriend literally beat around the bush!" Jacob: "Based!" Emily: "Like seriously, no cap!" Jacob: "I'm not gonna lie; that shit's peak, mid sus AF! He's cooked!" Emily: "No rizz, so cringe" Jacob: "Skibidi" Emily: "6-7, 6-7, 6-7" Jacob: "Fire, bro!" Emily: "Bruh"

The Top Ten Trump Birthday Requests/Gifts 10. A lifetime supply of Whoppers 9. The audiobook for "Two Corinthians Walk Into a Bar" 8. Cheeto spray tan 7. A black belt in bunker-hiding 6. An unlimited supply of Monopoly get-out-of-jail-free cards 5. An Ivanka Trump blow-up doll 4. The Mike Huckabee-VHS-narrated documentary, "Rambo Christ" 3. A new rodent to place on his head, courtesy of RFK, Jr. 2. A crucifix featuring his name and "The Best Wood" 1. (drumroll) A coffee mug which reads, "Higher Approval Rating Then IQ"

The Top Ten Trump-Inspired TV Shows 10. The Best Wing in the History of the World of the Universe of the Galaxy of the United States of America 9. Scamfilled 8. Thrice Married...with Children He Wants to Bang 7. Curb Your Patriotism 6. Bad Deal or Worst Deal? 5. Arrests in Development 4. Orange Is the New Wack 3. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire After Starting As a Billionaire? 2. How I Raped Your Mother 1. (drumroll) The Ep Files

The Top Ten Celebrity-Name-Gaffes by Donald Trump (Inspired by Drumpf referring to Pee Wee Herman as "Pinky Herman") 10. Opera Winfrey (Oprah Winfrey) 9. Lady Googoogaga (Lady Gaga) 8. Tom PT Cruiser (Tom Cruise) 7. Diesel Washington (Denzel Washington) 6. Antonio Bandanas (Antonio Banderas) 5. Kareem Abdul-Gaybar (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) 4. Thumb Yorke (Thom Yorke) 3. Semen Biles (Simone Biles) 2. Maryland Mansion (Marilyn Manson) 1. (drumroll) Boner (Bono)

In Week 3 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...'Hot Tub Time Machine' was a documentary, for there's no other way Case Keenum and Andy Dalton could have played on Sunday, unless it was 2011. - ...the only thing uglier than a nor'easter is watching Cam Ward and Jameis Winston try to throw footballs in a nor'easter. - ...Jim Harbaugh, even with the most klepto of sign-stealers, couldn't win with this bunch. - ..., it's late September, and there's already been a Santa-sighting. His name is Drake Maye, and he's handing out presents like it's late December.  - ...the officials from the Rams/Broncos game should start wearing brand names on their uniforms. DraftKings will likely be front and center. - ..., after being traded from the Minnesota Vikings to the New York Giants, JJ McCarthy will likely be placed on IR, due to jet lag. - ..., if his team doesn't improve, the Green Bay Packers head coach may wind up in a "Dodgeball" sequel ...

What I learned in Week 2 of the NFL season In Week 2 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...it'll soon be easier to find Jimmy Hoffa than a healthy starting quarterback in the NFC. - ..., if you're Aaron Rodgers, 42 is not the new 38. - ...the only chance the Browns have of making the postseason is if they're placed under a weather-delay from now until January.  - ..., if you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right, unless you're the Titans or Jets - then odds are you probably can't. - ...Jim Harbaugh's team appears less Charged than a comatose sloth, nicknamed Prozac. - ...Jayden Daniels and Jaxson Dart once arm-wrestled; both were carried off on stretchers with ruptured Achilles'. - ..., as the Atlanta Falcons have proved, the 4th quarterback isn't the charm. - ...those most susceptible to heart attacks are: the old, the fat, and the 2026-2027 New Orleans Saints fans. - ...the Lions secondary has more holes in it than a spong...

MAGA: "Vote for our kids' futures!" So, how should we vote? MAGA: "Republicans!" Who's the face of the Republican Party? MAGA: "Donald Trump, the greatest president and human in world galaxy history!" Oh, you mean the guy who has allegedly raped kids? MAGA: "Yeah, wait no, what?" So, voting for our kids' futures is voting for the party of a man who allegedly raped kids?  MAGA: "Well, yeah!"

August 17, 2024 Trump: “Energy is going to bring us back. That means we’re going down and getting gasoline below $2 a gallon, bring down the price of everything from electricity rates to groceries, airfares, and housing costs.” https://doggett.house.gov/issues/trumps-economic-promises-timeline November 6, 2024 Trump: "We had no wars. They said, he will start a war. I'm not going to start a war. I'm going to stop wars." https://www.northcountrypublicradio.org/news/npr/nx-s1-5732601/trump-promised-the-maga-base-no-new-wars-then-he-went-to-war-with-iran February 28, 2026 Trump starts war with Iran. https://www.cnn.com/interactive/2026/05/politics/iran-war-key-moments-vis/ Gas prices Regular 1/20/2025: $3.11 9/16/2026: $4.37 Diesel 1/20/2025: $3.72 9/16/2026: $6.30 Donald Trump promised no new wars and lower gas prices, so he, of course, started a new war, which ended up raising gas prices. https://fred.stlouisfed.org/series/GASREGW

What I learned in Week 1 of the NFL season In Week 1 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...there are three guarantees in life: 1) Death, 2) Taxes, and 3) The Cleveland Browns smelling, looking, and playing like sh*t. - ..., when it comes to losing fumbles, a Baker's (Mayfield) dozen means something entirely different.  - ...nobody will remember these Titans. - ..., if the Rams ever play a game on the moon, they'll fly out of Los Angeles a half-hour before game-time.  - ...Aaron Rodgers may be fully immunized from losing to 3rd-string quarterbacks that rhyme with 'Blooper Crush.' - ...the Cowboys defense is softer than a roll of toilet paper Trump tosses from the America Ocean. - ..., if they were presented in a line-up of 2nd-half performances, witnesses wouldn't be able to differentiate between the Detroit Lions and the Ohio State Buckeyes. - ...the LA Chargers' spirit animal is the three-toed sloth. - ...Ben Johnson can officially be nicknamed the End Zone...