The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

After bragging about a perfect 30 for 30 on his cognitive test, for the 4th time no less (120 for 120 for those scoring at home), I made it my mission to find this very test Donald Trump has reportedly aced (by himself, no less). Well, after some hard work, and paying raccoons to search for it at the bottom of dumpsters at Golden Corrals, here it is.  1. How old do you feel? A. A number B. Younger than Elvis C. Could you repeat that? D. Yes 2. 'Quad' means "4." Keeping that in mind, how many sides does a quadrilateral have? A. 4 B. 1,096,233 C. 19,771,808,356 D. 867-5309 3. True or False, this is a True or False question? A. True B. False C. Half-True D. All of the Above 4. Oklahoma City is the capital city of what state? A. Oklahoma B. Sucklahoma C. Not OK-lahoma D. Mexico City 5. What was your answer to question #4? A. B B. D C. A D. C 6. If Sammy Hagar is driving 55 down the interstate, how fast is he driving? A. 55 B. 56 C. 57 D. Van Halen 7. In what religion do y...

Since Donald Trump has recently been in the hospital more times than Gene Simmons has been kissed by groupies, I thought I'd speculate on the reasons for these frequent hospital trips. The Top Ten Reasons for Trump's Frequent Hospital Visits 10. BTSD (Bigly Traitor Stress Disorder) 9. Lieabetes 8. Orange Fever 7. Ballzheimer's (forgot where his balls are) 6. ADND (Attention Deficit No-Activity Disorder) 5. Restless Mini-Hands Syndrome 4. Pecker Muscular Dystrophy 3. Ataxia returns 2. Sticking-foot-in-mouth disease 1. (drumroll) Donarrhea

Due to it being Sunday, and the Orange Lord and Savior often liking to compare himself to Jesus, I thought I'd share the good word, via a Top Ten list.  The Top Ten Things Trump Would Do If He Were Jesus 10. Use a Sharpie to calm the storm of Border-Wall Debris 9. Tell Two-Corinthians-walk-into-a-bar jokes 8. Refer to his final Passover meal as the "Best Supper" 7. Always sport a gold robe and sneakers 6. Heal Def Leppard 5. Rise again in and on "60 minutes" 4. Turn water into Diet Coke 3. Pardon an Easter Bunny 2. Force Mary Magdalene to sign an NDA 1. (drumroll) Turn two fish and five loaves of bread into a single Happy Meal

With everyone and their dad pulling out of Trump's "Great State American Fair," I thought I'd put together a Top Ten List regarding the matter. The Top Ten Artists Who Will Agree to Perform at Trump's "Great State American Fair" 10. The Rotting Bones 9. Fats Donnie-O 8. Three Cells Down 7. Guns N' Moses 6. Lack Sabbath 5. Rage Against the Hygiene 4. All Crowes Matter 3. The Artist Permanently Known As Dense 2. Limp Dipsh*t 1. (drumroll) Notorious B.I.G.L.Y.

The Top Ten Standout Features/Differences in the new T1 Trump Mobile Phone 10. Call-waiting isn't an option. If you receive a second call, and take it, the first caller receives the message, "You're fired." 9. The highest the battery can be charged is 45%. 8. The slogan will be, "Make America Great Again, Made in China." 7. The phones are designed to fit Trump's hands, so they're for ages 3-6. 6. It always blames others for glitches. 5. In order to use speaker, one must sign an NDA. 4. It prefers younger models. 3. If a woman aborts from a group-chat she was forced into, she will be imprisoned. 2. The ringtone is set to Trump repeatedly saying, "I love the poorly educated." 1. (drumroll) The voicemail will automatically say, "You've reached the stable genius. I'm probably home, but don't know how to work this stupid thing. Technology is so dumb sometimes. I know more about technology than the Amish do, believe me. I once da...

How bad are things for Donald Trump? I've honestly never seen such awful numbers for a president in this country. Forewarning: This is going to be a lengthy thread, with lots of numbers, so Trumpelthinskin, if you're listening, you may want to look elsewhere. First off, as far as Drumpf's net-approval ratings go, he's above water in just 4 states: Wyoming, Idaho, West Virginia, and North Dakota, and in North Dakota, he's only at a +1. Here is the full list of state-by-state net-approval ratings for lil Donnie. As a reminder, net-approval is the difference between one's approval and disapproval. For example, if a person's approval is 44%, and their disapproval is 56%, their net-approval would be -12% (44-56). In other words, Trumpty Dumpty is above +/-0% in just 4 states. Washington, D.C.: -82% Vermont: -47% Maryland: -45% Hawaii: -44% Illinois: -40% Washington: -40% Rhode Island: -39% Connecticut: -38% Massachusetts: -37% Oregon: -36% California: -33% New Me...