The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Remember when Duck Dynasty 's Phil Robertson was interviewed by GQ magazine and how well that went? Well, the man with fewer brain cells than a drunken pirate has fingers has decided to go "gay" over gays yet again when he recently spoke on the radio with Family Research Council's Tony Perkins about the subject. In this very discussion, Robertson let his wisdom be known with the following quotes: - "Do you think it's a coincidence that all of these debilitating - literally that can cause death - diseases follow that kind of conduct?" - "God says, 'One woman, one man,' and everyone says, 'Oh, that's old hat, that's that old Bible stuff. But I'm thinking, well let's see now. A clean guy - a disease-free guy and a disease-free woman - they marry and they keep their sex between the two of them. They're not going to get chlamydia, and gonorrhea, and syphilis, and AIDS. It's safe." - "Either it's the...

Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson Comes Out Against Coming Out (from pages 96-99 of the book The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s: Volume 2 - The Wisecracks Continue ... #'s in parentheses indicate footnotes) While I've never personally watched the show, I think I hear more people talk about the "reality" show Duck Dynasty than I hear them talk about anything else, including their own kids. Well, based on some remarks made by star of the show Phil Robertson to GQ magazine, it appears as if a few regular viewers may opt to start watching something else instead. In the interview, Robertson made the following statements: - [When] "everything is blurred on what's right and what's wrong ... sin becomes fine." (90) - "Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there - bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men." (91) - "Don't be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the ma...

There can be no mistaking it - televangelist Pat Robertson is crazier than Tom Cruise hopped up on speed while on the  Oprah Winfrey Show . He's let loose more facepalm-inducing quotes than drunken Richard Pryor-impersonating sailors have let the F-bomb slip. Robertson's latest such statement he made during a recent episode of The 700 Club , where he said this: "You know what they do in San Francisco? Some in the gay community there, they want to get people. So if they got the stuff (AIDS) they'll have a ring, you shake hands and the ring's got a little thing where you cut your finger. Really. It's that kind of vicious stuff, which would be the equivalent of murder." Yeah, that kind of thing REALLY happens, Pat. Here's how such an event would transpire: Lance Lancestopherson (the most flamboyant gay man in the world): ::ponders to himself:: "Who should I infect today with my magical AIDS ring? It's about time I get with the program and...

When speaking about pictures of gay couples posted on Facebook, televangelist Pat Robertson said the following on The 700 Club : "What you're saying is, 'Yes, I like this kind of thing.' You've got a couple of same-sex guys kissing. You 'Like' that. Well, that makes me want to throw up. To me, I would punch 'Vomit,' not "Like' ... They don't give you that option on Facebook." Huh, that's funny. That's the exact reaction I have whenever Robertson opens his mouth... http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2013/07/08/2266641/pat-robertson-facebook-needs-a-vomit-button-for-pictures-of-gay-people/

After the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) ruled to allow openly gay scouts, televangelist Pat Robertson had some interesting choice words about the decision. On his show, The 700 Club , Robertson responded to the BSA's decision with this: "It breaks your heart to see the Boy Scouts...torn up in order to accommodate a few kids that want to do sex with each other." Yes, Robertson is known as a natural poet in most corners of the world. When asked by the pastor of his wedding, "Do you...," Robertson likely responded with, "Do I what? Do the sex?" Robertson likely got into trouble at school for writing a dirty short story in English class, one that contained numerous grammatical errors. The title of the story was probably something along the lines of, "We Did The Sex." Perhaps Robertson's next venture should be to open an adult store by the name of "Doing Sex As God Intended." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/11/boy-sco...

Just recently, televangelist and sex appeal expert in his own mind - Pat Robertson, said the following on his show - 700 Club , with regard to marriage problems: "A woman came to a preacher that I know, and she was awful looking. I mean, her hair was all torn up and she was overweight and looked terrible, clothes bad and everything. And she said, 'Oh, Reverend, what can I do? My husband has started to drink.' And the preacher looked at her and said, 'Madam, if I was married to you I'd start to drink too.' We need to cultivate romance, darling! ... You always have to keep that spark of love alive. It just isn't something to just lie there, 'Well, I'm married to him so he's got to take me slatternly looking.' You've got to fix yourself up, look pretty." To his credit, Robertson knows a thing or two about being physically appealing, for he was named sexiest current host of 700 Club with the first name of Pat and last name of Robert...