The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Following the heat he faced for not calling out the white supremacists who marched at a Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend, President Donald Trump did so today in a half-assed manner while reading from a teleprompter. Yes, his words regarding the tragedy were to sincerity what rocket launchers were to Gandhi. This is what I picture Trump thinking at the time of giving the speech: "Okay, act presidential, be sincere, be genu-, genu-, what's that word? Genubob or whatever. Alright, just remember. Read the words - racism is bad, racism is bad, racism is bad. Okay, thank you, my fellow Muricans. What do those words on the prompter say? Mm, racism is bad, okay? Bigly. Some people did some bad things over the weekend. Bad things are not good things. Don't do bad things that aren't good things. God bless you all and God bless the United States of Murica." While he's at it, Trump might as well start reading Hallmark sympathy cards ...

Ever since he announced his run for the Oval Office, I've wondered if Donald Trump partially did it out of boredom, wanting something new and exciting in his life. Now that he's atop Republican polls, I have a feeling he's taking matters a bit more seriously (well, maybe). Given his demeanor, if he doesn't win the election next November and wants to take on a new venture, I suggest he gives one of the following jobs a gander. Next to each job title, I'll write what I picture Mr. Trump saying if he were to go that route in the future. Walmart greeter : "Hey losers, welcome to Walmart. Hey, you over there with the Superman costume and missing teeth, I was specifically talking to you! Both parts, the welcoming and loser bits. Well, hello, how are you, sugar tits? Welcome to Walmart!" Telemarketer:  "Hey, yeah, so what do you want? What the hell do you need that for? Who does that anymore? I mean, read books? Seriously? Here, I'm like a human, lif...

So, my girlfriend told me about a Valentine's Day card she saw yesterday, which read, "All you need is love for Valentine's Day." In light of this bit of news, I envision the following commercial playing on the Hallmark Channel in the next 24 hours: Narrator Alice Cooper: "What better way to tell your special lady friend she deserves love on Valentine's Day than to give her this card telling her all she needs is love on this very special day? There is no better way. While Hallmark may be saying you don't really need to buy this card, for all another needs is love, giving her this card is the very definition of love. Imagine the following scenario as it warms your hearts:" Skeletor: "Here you are, my love." ::gives her the card:: She-Rah: "Aww, thanks, sweetie. ::reads the card - 'All you need is love for Valentine's Day':: Wait..." Skeletor: "What? Is something wrong?" She-Rah: "If al...