The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

What I learned in Week 1 of the NFL season In Week 1 of the NFL season, I learned that... - ...there are three guarantees in life: 1) Death, 2) Taxes, and 3) The Cleveland Browns smelling, looking, and playing like sh*t. - ..., when it comes to losing fumbles, a Baker's (Mayfield) dozen means something entirely different.  - ...nobody will remember these Titans. - ..., if the Rams ever play a game on the moon, they'll fly out of Los Angeles a half-hour before game-time.  - ...Aaron Rodgers may be fully immunized from losing to 3rd-string quarterbacks that rhyme with 'Blooper Crush.' - ...the Cowboys defense is softer than a roll of toilet paper Trump tosses from the America Ocean. - ..., if they were presented in a line-up of 2nd-half performances, witnesses wouldn't be able to differentiate between the Detroit Lions and the Ohio State Buckeyes. - ...the LA Chargers' spirit animal is the three-toed sloth. - ...Ben Johnson can officially be nicknamed the End Zone...

The Top Ten Changes to Palm Beach International Airport Once It's Renamed Donald J. Trump International Airport 10. Flying experience won't be required for pilots. So long as Trump once saw them play 'Galaga' at a bowling alley arcade, they'll be deemed "qualified." 9. The waiting line will be sorted by way of hotness ("10s are always first"). 8. The only exit row will be located in the cargo hold. 7. Conveyor belt-speed will increase from 0.5 m/s to 500 million m/s. 6. Near misses will be termed 'holes-in-one.' 5. Flights will only be permitted to areas which have a +0% net-approval rating of Trump, so: Wyoming, West Virginia, Russia, Idaho, and The Rocks-for-Brains Kid Rock Fan Club. 4. The noses of airplanes will be redesigned to resemble mini-mushrooms. 3. When experiencing severe turbulence, all passengers must stand and sing the national anthem.  2. Air Traffic Control will be orchestrated via Sharpie. 1. (drumroll) Next to the oxyg...

The Top Ten Expected Findings in The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library 10. "MLGA" merchandise, which stands for, "Make Libaries Great Again" 9. Trump's autobiography, "Fifty Shades of Cray" 8. Teen Beauty Pageant contestants in the True Crime section 7. Posters spread all about the facility, with the message, "I know words. I have the best words. Covfefe." 6. To gain membership, one will be required to accurately recite, "Person, woman, man, camera, TV." 5. Weekly book-burnings 4. A donation jar to the Trump "charity," "I Read Good, Bigly." 3. A summer children's program called, "Fun With Felons." 2. Anything but books 1. (drumroll) Trump's mugshot in front of the urinal, featuring the word, "BOOKed"

After bragging about a perfect 30 for 30 on his cognitive test, for the 4th time no less (120 for 120 for those scoring at home), I made it my mission to find this very test Donald Trump has reportedly aced (by himself, no less). Well, after some hard work, and paying raccoons to search for it at the bottom of dumpsters at Golden Corrals, here it is.  1. How old do you feel? A. A number B. Younger than Elvis C. Could you repeat that? D. Yes 2. 'Quad' means "4." Keeping that in mind, how many sides does a quadrilateral have? A. 4 B. 1,096,233 C. 19,771,808,356 D. 867-5309 3. True or False, this is a True or False question? A. True B. False C. Half-True D. All of the Above 4. Oklahoma City is the capital city of what state? A. Oklahoma B. Sucklahoma C. Not OK-lahoma D. Mexico City 5. What was your answer to question #4? A. B B. D C. A D. C 6. If Sammy Hagar is driving 55 down the interstate, how fast is he driving? A. 55 B. 56 C. 57 D. Van Halen 7. In what religion do y...

Since Donald Trump has recently been in the hospital more times than Gene Simmons has been kissed by groupies, I thought I'd speculate on the reasons for these frequent hospital trips. The Top Ten Reasons for Trump's Frequent Hospital Visits 10. BTSD (Bigly Traitor Stress Disorder) 9. Lieabetes 8. Orange Fever 7. Ballzheimer's (forgot where his balls are) 6. ADND (Attention Deficit No-Activity Disorder) 5. Restless Mini-Hands Syndrome 4. Pecker Muscular Dystrophy 3. Ataxia returns 2. Sticking-foot-in-mouth disease 1. (drumroll) Donarrhea

Due to it being Sunday, and the Orange Lord and Savior often liking to compare himself to Jesus, I thought I'd share the good word, via a Top Ten list.  The Top Ten Things Trump Would Do If He Were Jesus 10. Use a Sharpie to calm the storm of Border-Wall Debris 9. Tell Two-Corinthians-walk-into-a-bar jokes 8. Refer to his final Passover meal as the "Best Supper" 7. Always sport a gold robe and sneakers 6. Heal Def Leppard 5. Rise again in and on "60 minutes" 4. Turn water into Diet Coke 3. Pardon an Easter Bunny 2. Force Mary Magdalene to sign an NDA 1. (drumroll) Turn two fish and five loaves of bread into a single Happy Meal

With everyone and their dad pulling out of Trump's "Great State American Fair," I thought I'd put together a Top Ten List regarding the matter. The Top Ten Artists Who Will Agree to Perform at Trump's "Great State American Fair" 10. The Rotting Bones 9. Fats Donnie-O 8. Three Cells Down 7. Guns N' Moses 6. Lack Sabbath 5. Rage Against the Hygiene 4. All Crowes Matter 3. The Artist Permanently Known As Dense 2. Limp Dipsh*t 1. (drumroll) Notorious B.I.G.L.Y.

The Top Ten Standout Features/Differences in the new T1 Trump Mobile Phone 10. Call-waiting isn't an option. If you receive a second call, and take it, the first caller receives the message, "You're fired." 9. The highest the battery can be charged is 45%. 8. The slogan will be, "Make America Great Again, Made in China." 7. The phones are designed to fit Trump's hands, so they're for ages 3-6. 6. It always blames others for glitches. 5. In order to use speaker, one must sign an NDA. 4. It prefers younger models. 3. If a woman aborts from a group-chat she was forced into, she will be imprisoned. 2. The ringtone is set to Trump repeatedly saying, "I love the poorly educated." 1. (drumroll) The voicemail will automatically say, "You've reached the stable genius. I'm probably home, but don't know how to work this stupid thing. Technology is so dumb sometimes. I know more about technology than the Amish do, believe me. I once da...

My latest Substack article, titled, "I didn't watch the SOTU, so you didn't have to...," can be found and read here. -  https://craigrozniecki.substack.com/p/i-didnt-watch-the-sotu-so-you-didnt?r=5axds0

I just created this new shirt for my online shop, "When Shirtz Hit the Fan." I call it, "The Ep-Files." It can be found and purchased at the following two links:    https://when-shirtz-hit-the-fan.printify.me/product/23105603/the-ep-files https://www.etsy.com/listing/4367101058/the-ep-files

The Top Ten Potential Announcements from Donald Trump at 2 pm Today 10. After bench-pressing a 1-lb. dumbbell, he'll look straight into the camera and declare, "I'm the strongest man in the world, bigly." 9. Attempting to prove he's in good health, he'll give the hokey pokey his best effort, but will be unable to turn himself around. He'll then claim the hokey pokey is "rigged." 8. He found Jesus, while staring into a gold mirror. 7. That he'll soon be joining Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy in the film, "Weekend at Donnie's." 6. That he's sick, and the only way to cure what he has is via horse-dewormer and injecting disinfectant. 5. To quell speculation, he'll announce that the Epstein Files can't be released, because he's being audited. 4. He's renaming the 'Indian Ocean' the 'Cleveland Ocean.' 3. He'll release hard evidence, which will distract the public's attention from the...

- "I like the GFY yourself one!!!" - "That's funny!" - "Awesome!" - "🤣🤣🤣Love 'em - catchy business name, too." - "Good job Craig! 👏" - "Witty and funny!" - "I want all of them!" - "Good luck the shirt game is brutal." - "I love Etsy…do you have any ‘Is he dead yet ‘…hats’" - "New shop👍" - "I just saw an ‘I dissent’…I like it.." - "Cool designs—love the creative resistance energy. Markets might not care about political tees, but @MatthewHarrisX2MaatthewHarrisXtthewHarrisX2 would probably appreciate the sentiment. Keep fighting the good fight." "Nice work. Graphic design is harder than it looks. I know this because I suck at it." "The shirts are awesome! The price is smart. Some stores asking $40+ for t shirts. The Groucho one made me giggle a bit because I love his quote about not wanting to join a club who would have him as a member. 😏...

I added two more anti-Trump/anti-MAGA shirts to my online shop, "When Shirtz Hit the Fan," yesterday. Here are the comments I've already received on them: - "Haha, as always, they are funny" - "Good job" - " 🔥 😂 " The first shirt plays off the Dos Equis commercials of old, where lil Donnie says, "I don't always care about D.C. crime. But when I do, I usually prefer to pardon 1,600 domestic terrorists." https://www.etsy.com/listing/4350830348/don-equis?ref=shop_home_active_2&logging_key=27a79ac833ac3406b0f406c064edbea2e1d9b1de%3A4350830348 For the other, I poked fun at MAGA anti-vaxxers, as the shirt says, "According to MAGA, these didn't exist prior to COVID shots: hangovers, papercuts, fevers, cowbell, bad drivers, tornadoes, barking dogs, holding calls, needles, toilet paper, America Online, Africa, Toto, numbers, letters, Starbucks." https://www.etsy.com/listing/4350880810/funny-covid-shot-t-shirt?ref=shop...

I created a pair of new anti-Trump/anti-MAGA shirts today.  The first plays off the Dos Equis commercials of old, where lil Donnie says, "I don't always care about D.C. crime. But when I do, I usually prefer to pardon 1,600 domestic terrorists."  https:// etsy.com/listing/435083 0348/don-equis?ref=shop_home_active_2&logging_key=27a79ac833ac3406b0f406c064edbea2e1d9b1de%3A4350830348   For the other, I poked fun at MAGA anti-vaxxers, as the shirt says, "According to MAGA, these didn't exist prior to COVID shots: hangovers, papercuts, fevers, cowbell, bad drivers, tornadoes, barking dogs, holding calls, needles, toilet paper, America Online, Africa, Toto, numbers, letters, Starbucks."   https://www.etsy.com/listing/4350880810/funny-covid-shot-t-shirt?ref=shop_home_active_1&logging_key=c0172c01e41c1eeb0869dbf723cbfef64b100ca1%3A4350880810 The rest of my wacky creations can be found here. - https://www.etsy.com/shop/WhenShirtzHitTheFan?ref=seller-platform-...

If you are a new reader who is in need of some laughs (or a regular who hasn't read all of my books yet), below are the links that will lead you to your happy place: If you prefer something big that feels good in your hands, purchase your paperbacks here (Get your mind out of the gutter...): http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?type=&keyWords=craig+rozniecki&x=7&y=5&sitesearch=lulu.com&q= If you're all about going green environmentally, most of my books are also available electronically at the following link (If you're going green literally, I recommend seeing a doctor...): http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_22?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=craig%20rozniecki%20kindle&sprefix=craig+rozniecki+kindle%2Caps%2C228&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Acraig%20rozniecki%20kindle My Twitter account is up to 102,995 followers and counting. To read the numerous articles I post or smartass quips I make, often times at the expense of the Oompa Loompa...

Check out my podcast, I Feel Snitty , where I combine facts, logic, & snark to tackle all the hot topics of this week, last week, & even six weeks from now. As Joe Biden's comedian doppelganger might say, I "mock malarkey." Follow me at this link: http://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/ #Podcast #Snark

Here is a running list of comments on parodies from my podcast, "I Feel Snitty." If you've yet to check it out or follow the show, you can do so at this link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/ 1) "Fabricate" (to the tune of Warren G's "Regulate") - “Lol! Amazing! I don’t know how you do this. 😂👏” - “What an active mind you have.” https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/placing-rap-in-the-crap-that-is-donald-trump/   2) "The Donald Fan" (to the tune of Billy Joel's "Piano Man") - "Love it!" https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/the-donald-fan-parody-based-off-the-billy-joel-song-piano-man/   3) "Tweeting Some Lies" (to the tune of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline") - "Very catchy!" - "Haha! That was great, Craig! Funny as hell!" - "You get the award for best tweet of the day!" https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/tweeting-some-lies-parody-based-on-t...