The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

It really amazes me how many people's sarcasm detectors are permanently turned off and how it seems the terms satire and satirical are foreign to so many. Just over the past week, I've bumped into the following situations: 1) On four separate occasions, I received messages from individuals asking me about the validity or point of articles published by The Onion , yes THAT Onion. On all four occasions, I calmly said, "Psst, it's The Onion , you know, satire, so it's not actually true." There are times I just want to respond, "Yes, the 80-year-old man in the picture really did give birth to octuplets." 2) On even more occasions, when making satirical comments on my Twitter feed, I received replies from individuals whom obviously felt I was being serious. Since this happens so frequently amongst my 28,000+ followers, I've just learned to shrug my shoulders and mumble to myself, "Eh, whatevs." Sadly, I've reached a point where if I ...

During the final presidential debate, Republican nominee Mitt Romney made quite the gaffe, making some wonder if he had ever looked at a globe or even knew what one was. During the debate, Romney said with regard to Syria and Iran's relationship, "Syria is Iran's only ally in the Arab world. It's their route to the sea." I'll give you a moment to look at a map or globe. Take your time. I'll play a short tune while you look. If Mitt Romney is reading this, I'll place "Stairway to Heaven" on repeat for a while. Okay, everyone not named Mitt Romney, have you found it? Good. Moving on... No, I'm not sure what Mitt Romney was talking about either. First off, there are two countries between Iran and Syria - those being Iraq and Turkey. Secondly, as Glenn Kessler - fact-checker at The Washington Post  wrote, "...Iran has about 1,500 miles of coastline along the Persian Gulf and Gulf of Oman, leading to the Arabian Sea." The o...

Without having the permission to do so, Paul Ryan and his family visited a soup kitchen in Youngstown, Ohio last week for a photo op. Since no appointment had been made, when Ryan and company showed up, the customers were already gone and the place had already been cleaned. Ryan attempted to make the most of this occasion by having photos taken of him cleaning dishes which had already been cleaned. In light of this report, it would appear as if Paul Ryan has quite the future ahead of him if he decides to not continue with politics. In the future, Ryan will have pictures taken of him doing the following: - holding a vacuum cleaner at a school after a janitor cleaned - serving a meal at a church function that someone else cooked - washing a stranger's car after it gets out of the car-wash - lighting a blind person's cigarette after it's already been lit - nursing a baby after it finishes with a bottle of milk. Yes, just as Todd Akin believes women have magical v...

I, along with millions of other Americans watched the first Presidential debate last night between President Barack Obama and Republican nominee Mitt Romney. Unlike most pundits, however, I didn't see Romney dominating the debate. What I saw was a very poorly moderated debate by Jim Lehrer, a cool and collected President Obama and an uber-hyper and rude Romney who may have uttered more words of fiction than of truth. So, based on how I viewed the debate last night, I bring you a satirized version of it. Enjoy... Moderator Jim Lehrer: "For my first question tonight, I'd like to ask if there are any differences between how you would answer the mathematical equation 2 + 2. We'll start with President Obama." President Barack Obama: "Thanks Jim, Governor Romney, the University of Denver and especially my wife. It was 20 years ago we were wed, which makes me the luckiest man on earth. On this day 20 years ago, I got lucky in two ways: 1) Michelle is the...

As has been reported in recent days, it appears as if Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney is focusing his attention more on zingers than anything else in preparation for his first debate with President Obama on Wednesday night. The following was written in the New York Times  on Friday: " Mr. Romney’s team has concluded that debates are about creating moments and has equipped him with a series of zingers that he has memorized and has been practicing on aides since August. His strategy includes luring the president into appearing smug or evasive about his responsibility for the economy." In light of this bit of news, I thought I'd be kind and attempt to help out Mr. Romney with these very zingers.  The Top Ten Romney Zingers 10. ::speaking to Obama:: "Wanna bet? $2 million? $2 million that I have more houses than you?" 9. "I even know gay guys that are jealous of my hair!" 8. "Unlike the President here, the only time I'...

I don't have the numbers to back this up, but I have to believe that 99.6781284% of people past the age of 6 years, 4 months, 13 days and 27 minutes have changed their mind at least once (margin of error +/- .0000000394861%). I can't remember the first time I did such a thing. Perhaps it was when I wanted to play chess, but then changed my mind and wanted to play strip poker. This was when I was a week old and still in the hospital. What can I say? I've always liked nurses (no, not just the male ones). So yes, even I have changed my mind a time or forty-six. Most of these changes occurred during my teenage and young adult years, when other "parts" of me were changing as well. I still love to pull a Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit" and feed my brain input on a very regular basis, which makes it possible that my mind can change again. However, with so much more information lodged inside my noggin than when I was in middle and high school, it'll be a muc...

I earned my degree in Psychology. I studied Freud. I've had some dreams that felt so real, I woke up sweating more than a pig walking a desert in Phoenix. There have been times when I go about my day and pause, thinking for a moment, "Wait, didn't I already do this?," because I dreamt it a night or two prior. So, yes, I am fascinated by dreams and believe they can tell us more than we'd think initially. However, if you happen to read a book or go to a site and check through interpretations of different colors, numbers, objects and other things, along with people, that may appear in dreams, some of the symbolism doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. I'll give you five examples to go along with my commentary, before attempting to think along these same lines to make interpretations of my own for different images that could appear in one's dreams. Maroon - If this color appears in your dream, it's said to symbolize courage, bravery, heroism and ...

(6 out of 6 stars) "The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck book, written by Craig Rozniecki, was so funny. From the very beginning Commentary, which was hilarious, to the last pages of Friendly-Fire. I laughed so hard at the Bush Quote Commentary that people began to give me disapproving looks. Of course, I was in a hospital waiting room at the time, so they may have had a legitimate reason, I suppose. The reading of this book sure made the waiting time go by quickly for me and I had a much better time as well. I recommend this book to anyone who likes to laugh, has an understanding and appreciation for the smart-aleck sense of humor, and who likes to poke fun at just about everything. Glenn Beck fans are not included in this list, although those that love to poke fun at him are."