The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

For as crazy as this primary season has been in the Republican Party, I thought I'd have a little fun with it. Here now is a list of all 17 GOP candidates who ran for the party's nomination at some point or another in the past few months and how I envision them writing personal ads. Jeb Bush : "If there's one word I'd use to describe myself, which no one else would agree with, it'd be 'full of energy.' I mean, my name might be Jeb, but I prefer to go by Jeb!, if that tells you anything. What else? What else? You see? I'm so full of energy, I can't think of anything else to tell you about myself or what I enjoy doing for fun. I suppose I like long walks on the beach, but, only when I feel up for it, which is never. Well, if this never-been-experienced-before level of energy interests you and you wanna hear a guy say 'That's what she said' after enthusiastically screaming my first name, give me a call. I guarantee you this Bush is be...

If my relationship ultimately doesn't work out, I may try to start a new trend and date either a straight guy or a lesbian. We seem to understand one another more than people I'm attracted to - heterosexual women. We could just chill, watch football, drink beer (a Jack and Coke for me), listen to rock music, and not ever worry about sex, because there wouldn't be any - between us anyway. Of course, if those cravings arose, we'd have to go elsewhere and that could complicate matters. Him: "Dude, I'm doing somebody." Me: "Yeah, I know." Him: "I think I'm in love." Me: "Crap. So, where's this leave us?" Him: "Where we've always been - best friends, except I'm going to move in with her." Me: "::sighs:: I knew this would happen. Aren't I good enough for you?" Him: "Well, aren't you doing somebody too?" Me: "No" Him: "Are you gay or something?...

With each and every election, it appears as if the Republican Party is getting older and whiter. With the country becoming progressively more diverse, this could pose some serious problems for the future of the party if it doesn't try appealing to more than the cast from the film Cocoon . In the 2012 presidential election, the exit polls revealed that President Barack Obama won among the following groups of people: Blacks (93%), Hispanics (71%), voters under 30 (60%) and women (55%). Republican challenger Mitt Romney won among these groups: Whites (59%) and seniors (56%). Of the electorate, non-whites made up 28%, voters under 30 made up 19%, and women made up 53%. For Barack Obama, 56% of his voters were white and 44% non-white. For Governor Romney, 89% of his voters were white and 11% non-white. Like I said at the outset - with the electorate becoming progressively more diverse, the Republican Party is going to run into some serious problems in future elections unless it trie...