The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Right after Attorney General Jeff Sessions exited the Oval Office following a breakfast date with President Donald Trump, I caught up with the AG and engaged in the following back and forth with him: Excuse me, excuse me, sir! Would you mind answering a couple questions? Sessions: "Oh golly, gee whiz, oh my. Yeah, I guess. Shucks." So, what did you and the president discuss over breakfast this morning? Sessions: "You know, a lil bit of this, a lil bit of that, a lil bit of the other. You know how it goes." No, not really, which is why I asked the question. Specifically, what did the two of you discuss this morning? Sessions: "Big, important things, I mean, like really big and really important." Okay, one more question.... Sessions: "You said it was going to be two questions..." Well, you didn't really answer either of my first two, so I think it's only fair to answer a third. Sessions: "Fine. Alright then. Go ahead...

Given Donald Trump's tendency to turn his back on specifics in favor of the vague route, I have to imagine, if this whole presidency thing doesn't work out, he may opt to start writing horoscopes. Here's how I envision him writing them: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): "You need to get serious about your future - like seriously serious. Stand in front of a mirror today and say, 'Time to get serious.' If the mirror doesn't talk back, you get three wishes or something. If it does talk back, you may need to see a doctor like I did." Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): "You could go this way or the other way. If you go this way, be smart about it. If you go the other way, be even more smarter. I remember when I went both ways. It was just a college phase, but anyway..." Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "Like that Costner dude said one time, 'If you give it, he will come.' In other words, if you give it, he will come, you know? Yeah......

You're So Vague You talked at a party like you talked in your sleep The dead squirrel on your head standing straight up You dropped a pair of apricots Both eyes in the mirror mumbling about yuge things And all the girls dreamed that they could shut you up They could shut you up, and... You're so vague, you might or might not think this one thing is about someone You're so vague, I'm not sure whether or not you think this one thing is about someone Do you? Don't you? You married a couple women many years ago when they were naive You said they were young beautiful pieces of ass And that you might or might not leave But you found someone prettier and younger so you set them free You had dreams, they were something or another, Something or another, and... You're so vague, you might or might not think this one thing is about someone You're so vague, I'm not sure whether or not you think this one thing is about someone Do you? Don't yo...

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's when a person is consistently vague. Sure, we all have our moments. Perhaps we're hungover, sleep deprived, have a headache, etc., and our thoughts and words just aren't coming to us as quickly as they typically do. That's fine. But when someone appears to communicate like they're hungover 24/7, that's when they drive me to reach for some Aleve. This may be a major reason why I can't stand presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. The man always sounds hungover, and worse yet, he's completely sober. Now, given my sometimes dirty mind (that's putting it lightly), perhaps I'm more prone to this than others, but whenever someone is so vague even The Donald would be impressed, I tend to take these vague statements in a perverse manner. Here are just a few examples of what I'm talking about: Trump: "'Two Corinthians 3-17, that's the whole ball game... Is that the one? ...

Receiving a great deal of criticism for retweeting a white supremacist's false murder statistics on his Twitter account, even from conservative Fox News host Bill O'Reilly, GOP presidential frontrunner Donald Trump released this video to the press to try and silence his critics on the matter: "Look people, so called fact-checkers have their sources and I have my sources. They have their guys and I have my guys. And let me tell you something, America, I've got the best sources, the very best guys. So I'm a little tired of the liberal media fact-checking things I've already fact-checked and know to be true. I've got the best memory in the world, so when this one guy, I forget his name, but when he comes to me with some numbers, I'm going to believe him, because I know it to be true. I know the liberal media wants names to my guys, to my sources, but unless your name is Donald Trump, what's in a name really? I mean, seriously? I'll just say I hav...

I've remained pretty consistent on the three controversies which have surrounded the Obama Administration in recent weeks. While I believe there was a fair amount of incompetence surrounding the administration during the Benghazi attacks, I don't believe it was a cover-up. The longer the case has drug on, the more I believe that Congressional Republicans' main intent is to drag Hillary Clinton's name through the mud to decrease the threat of her becoming the Democratic nominee in the 2016 presidential election. The AP controversy is the one which has bothered me the most. Unfortunately, due to the Patriot Act and with it, increased powers of the DOJ (Department of Justice) since the 9/11 attacks, chances are Eric Holder's actions weren't illegal. Also unfortunately, since Mitch McConnell and other Congressional Republicans have defended Holder's actions, chances are no changes are going to be made through Congress. The controversy which I've had the most...

As he stated in his interview with Chris Wallace on Fox News Sunday , Republican Vice Presidential candidate and former Mr. Universe in the eyes of himself - Paul Ryan - continued to adamantly declare that the numbers in Mitt Romney's tax plan add up. He said, "...The numbers add up; we have shown that." He then attempted to elaborate, saying: "...by subjecting higher income earners' income to more taxation, remove tax shelters, lower deductions for higher income people, more of their income is subject to taxation so you can lower tax rates for everybody across the board and shelter the middle class from any kind of tax increase. There is obviously enough fiscal space to lower tax rates to 20 percent, keep these middle-class preferences. We have show how that works." They have? That'd be news to me and the nonpartisan Tax Policy Center, which showcased via analysis that "the Romney plan would have to raise taxes on the middle class (by elimina...

On Fox News Sunday , Republican Vice Presidential candidate - Paul Ryan - had this back and forth with Chris Wallace with regard to the Romney/Ryan tax plan: Wallace: "So how much would it cost?" Ryan: "It's revenue neutral..." Wallace: "No no, I'm just talking about cuts. We'll get to the deductions, but the cut in tax rates." Ryan: "The cut in tax rates is lowering all Americans' tax rates by 20 percent." Wallace: "Right, how much does that cost?" Ryan: "It's revenue neutral..." Wallace: "But I have to point out, you haven't give me the math." Ryan: "No, but you...well, I don't have the time. It would take me too long to go through  all of the math. But let me say it this way - you can lower tax rates by 20 percent across the board by closing loopholes and still have preferences for the middle class. For things like charitable deductions, for home purchases, for heal...

I heard the unfortunate news that a friend of mine had a seizure the other day. It's also unfortunate that I've had my share of seizures in my day. The first one I remember was back when I was 6-years old. I guess I had them before that, but I can't remember any of those. It was bizarre talking to my friend after she had her seizure, because no one truly understands what you're talking about if they've never had a seizure before. It's not like stubbing a toe, getting a cold or being rejected by someone or something. We've all gone through those instances and know what they feel like. If I stub my toe in front of someone, they notice it and say, "Gosh, I hate it when that happens," then, they're probably being honest. They probably do know what it feels like, so they can relate. But, seizures are a different ball game altogether. It's so difficult to describe seizures, even to doctors. The descriptions and details are so vague, that some...

An individual I spoke to a while back claimed that we always need a textbook definition of the word "normal," so that we know how weird we or other individuals are. But, what exactly is that definition? Is there one? Well, according to Webster, there are eight definitions: 1. Perpendicular to a tangent at a point of tangency. 2. According with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle; conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern. 3. Occurring naturally. 4. Of, relating to, or characterized by average intelligence or development; free from mental disorder. 5. Having concentration of one gram equivalent of solute per liter; containing neither basic hydroxyl nor acid hydrogen; not associated; having a straight-chain structure. 6. Having the property that every coset produced by operating on the left by a given element is equal to the coset produced by operating on the right by the same element. 7. Relating to, involving, or being a normal cur...