The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

I've never been much into TikTok, but the more my son insists on watching it, the more it grinds my gears, and while I'm not sure I agree with it being banned outright, part of me just wishes it would go away. First off, the parental controls get a 'C' grade, if that. My son just turned 6, and while I know it's naive to think he won't run into not-age-appropriate content of some nature or another here and there, I try to limit said interactions as much as I can. That's been easier said than done at times with TikTok. Also, while a lot of the content may not technically be age-inappropriate, I still don't care for it, and feel prompted to turn it off immediately. What both saddens and annoys me more than anything else about the site is the sheer desperation displayed in many of the videos. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the following: - "Hit like and subscribe if you love your parents. If you don't hit like and subscribe, it m...

We're t-minus 2 hours away from the Super Bowl kickoff. While I'm probably pulling for the Rams over the Patriots simply for the fact they haven't won the big game for a longer duration than Belichick, Brady, and company, what I'm rooting for more than anything else is a good game and funny commercials. Segueing from that, here are the commercials I pray (and I'm an agnostic) won't be aired during the course of the game, as I find them to be the worst/most annoying commercials on television today. 1) Progressive Substitutes Jimmy For Flo : I used to find Progressive commercials to at least be mildly amusing, largely due to the presence of Flo. That all changed when Flo suddenly transformed into Jimmy. Jimmy comes across as that stereotypical nerd from high school who gets invited to a party with the jocks due to helping the quarterback cheat on and pass a history exam. At this party, Jimmy tries too hard to fit in, it shows, and he becomes progressively more a...

I'll be the first to admit that I've been suffering from Facebook Burnout Syndrome (FBS) over the past year or so, and if it weren't for the fact the site allows me to keep in touch with out-of-state friends and family, I would probably have closed my account several months ago. Even before FBS set in, however, there were a number of statuses which annoyed me, and I thought I'd spend some time poking fun at them (I know I'm not alone here...). Here they are: 1) I need some vag-ueh prayers-uh! Can I hear an ame-hen?!? - While I'm not a religious person and don't spend much (any) time praying, I understand a lot of people are religious and do believe in the power of prayer, and that's fine. However, I can't for the life of me understand these statuses which say something along the lines of, "I know someone who's going through some hard times and is need of some prayers! I won't name any names, whether or not they actually exist, what the...

Ever since the 9/11 attacks, it's seemed as though many on the right side of the political spectrum have increasingly been of the mindset that if one doesn't consistently showcase the American flag with the clothing they wear, doesn't scream he or she loves America through a megaphone at least five times a day, and doesn't acknowledge at least twice a week that America is the greatest country in the history of the universe, that person can't be truly patriotic; and if a person so much as questions America on any front, that individual hates the country and should move elsewhere. I'm sorry, but that mentality is stupid to a degree of which Sheldon Cooper isn't even aware. Sure, it's great for a person to love his or her country or to love their local sports team, but it's also ridiculous to think a country or sports team lacks fault. Many seem to think that if a person doesn't feel their country is perfect, they can't love their country. Tha...

Know anyone who always seems to expect the worst in just about any and every given situation? I have a feeling most everyone has at least one close friend or family member that's like this. Well, like most other people (I have to imagine), I know someone like this as well, and it just seems to get worse with age. It usually involves health worries, but can involve other areas of life as well. Here are just a few examples I've heard over the past couple of years: Me: "My right big toe hurts." Them: "I hope it's not gout." Me: "No, I think it was due to an intense workout yesterday." Me: "My right hand is sore today." Them: "I hope it's not carpal tunnel." Me: "No, I just think I slept on it funny." Me: "I think I strained a groin muscle the other day." Them: "Hernias run in your family, you know..." Me: "No, it's not that. I probably overdid it...

As most readers should know by now, I consider myself to be rather progressive, and given the limited options I have on election day, I tend to vote Democratic (Independent or Green on occasion). Even so, though, for the entire year, especially in the run up to elections, I get a little fed up with the almost non-stop emails from the party. All of these emails have one thing in common. What would that be? Take it away, Rod Tidwell (from the film Jerry Maguire ): "Show me the money!" There it is! Now, while I have donated once or twice in the past, due to limited funds in which to give away, I've been unable to donate a great deal, and haven't for quite some time. Yet, regardless if I donated $5 two years ago or $25 six years ago, it appears as if the Democratic Party thinks I'm going to donate $3-$5 every time they ask me. I'd like to think they'd know, for as often as they ask me, if I did donate every time, I'd wind up living on the street. Als...

Is it just me or does it seem as if 94.3% of people never take responsibility anymore, and in most cases, they then point the finger at someone else when confronted about a slip-up of theirs? In politics, in sports, at work, at school, between couples, between friends, between family members, seemingly anywhere and everywhere, when someone is called out on a mistake they made, instead of admitting to the error, they then point the finger at someone else. Why does it seem so difficult anymore to admit a mistake, attempt to learn from it, and not make that same mistake again? I'm not exactly sure, but this seeming shifting-of-blame epidemic does get aggravating at times. Here's an exaggerated version of what I'm talking about... Setting: At the Humee residence in Washington, D.C. Diana Humee: "Why didn't you do the dishes this morning before leaving for work?" Donald Humee: "You never asked me to. Besides, you almost always do them." Diana: ...

I recently got into a discussion regarding the phrase, "Everything happens for a reason." While I've written about this phrase before, and how much it irks me when another utters it, it's mainly due to 95% of the people using it in reference to a higher power and predestination. When I recently discussed this with another, she referred to its accuracy due to causality (everything does literally happen for a reason, due to cause and effect). While I don't think I can dispute that claim, again, the reason why this phrase gets under my skin so much (not literally) is because, most times, it's used in reference to predestination and not in reference to causality. While the causality route may appear to be insensitive when it's used with regard to a tragedy of some kind, it's at least accurate. The predestination route, to me anyway, comes across as both insensitive and likely inaccurate. Here is an example of each: Causality Route (rarely, if ever used) ...

Recently, I read an article by a writer at the Huffington Post who defended over-using the word "like," and it "like" made me want to scream. The writer is one Madeleine Crum and the title of the article is, "It's Totally Okay To Say 'Like.'" Yes, it just gets better from there... I'll focus on four paragraphs of Ms. Crum's article, all of which come toward the very end of it, where she starts by saying this: "'Like' can serve two important, or at least forgivable, functions. The first is to allow a certain tentativeness to a spoken thought. Extroverts, like 'Valley girls,' are prone to thinking while they speak rather than before they speak, which means their language is more likely to include filler words, used while thoughts are being formed." This is an "important," or at least "forgivable" function of the word "like?" For some reason, I'm not thinking public speaking...

I'm sorry to ruin sports analysts' and commentators' fun, but let's put this LeBron James. vs. Michael Jordan debate to rest for the time being. Based on the two players' resumes, there's really no comparison to be made. While LeBron James has always been a very exciting player, who has improved from good to great status the past couple years, he's not even in the same ballpark (well, court) as Michael Jordan right now. In the seven NBA seasons between 1990-91 and 1997-98, Michael Jordan led his Chicago Bulls to six championships, where he won the MVP Award in each. For his career, Jordan's Bulls were 6-0 in the NBA Finals. LeBron James, meanwhile, has led his teams (Cleveland and Miami) to a 2-2 record in the NBA Finals, where he was awarded the MVP Award twice. James is still young, so it's possible he could win multiple more championships and be the face of the NBA for years to come, where at career's end, a legitimate argument could be ...

Know someone who likes to "one-up" everyone? You know, when you talk about a wild drunken night when you drank too much and started dancing with a pole you thought was an actual person, and THAT guy then talks about his drunken night of streaking around downtown Chicago, getting chased by a gang, getting arrested, before being bailed out by his mother while he's sitting in a jail cell mostly nude? Yeah, that guy... I know someone like that as well. We don't see each other too regularly, but whenever we're out and about together, especially when others are with us, he seems to feel the need to one-up everyone, especially me. Why? Really, why do some people feel the need to do this? I'm sure most everyone could make up a story to one-up another's, but why do that? Is it out of insecurity? Always wanting to be the center of attention? How they've been brought up? An obsession with the old Saturday Night Live skit which centered around this very behavior...

Wow, so last night was lovely. An old buddy of mine wanted me to meet up with him at a pub, so I said sure. I didn't plan on drinking or anything, but hadn't seen him in a while and it was his birthday not long ago, so I kind of wanted to go, catch up and buy him a drink for his birthday. Little did I realize he'd be accompanied by a friend who would be wasted and in the middle of breaking up with a guy via text. I guess this lady had been drinking since about noon and it was 8:15 when I arrived. To say she was messed up would be like saying Rush Limbaugh is large. She had just broken up with her boyfriend (of 6 weeks) via text. He would respond. She'd read these texts aloud and ask three guys in the area what she should say next. The pitch in her voice made me envision someone placing their nails against a chalkboard. She just kept repeatedly asking, "What do I say?" "What do I say?" "What do I say?" She'd ask our mutual friend and h...

He could play football very well, but just because one can play a sport efficiently doesn't mean he or she make for a good announcer of the sport. I'm watching the Fiesta Bowl right now and it's painful for me to listen to due to Millen's commentary. On an obvious helmet-to-helmet hit earlier in the game, the referees failed to make the call. Millen's partner for the game (not partner in anything else, I don't believe) said, via replay, it looked like a helmet-to-helmet hit which should have resulted in a penalty. Upon review, Millen continued to back up his claim that it was just good defense. He's done this on a number of occasions. I have a feeling if a defender literally decapitated an offensive player, Millen would say, "You know what? That's just solid, fundamental football right there. That's old-school football. I like it." Yes, and I like to mute the television set when he's announcing.

So, I praised college football announcer/analyst Jesse Palmer the other day. Now for the other side of the coin. In the college game, there's Brock Huard. He seems to know his stuff and I have nothing against him as a person or even an analyst, but the guy's voice gets on my nerves sometimes. When he takes normal breaths while speaking, he sounds okay, even though his words sound like they're over-enunciated. However, when he speaks too much without taking those normal breaths, the guy sounds like a goat. "...and he is a great passer, a great leader and just a great quarterback There can be no questioning thaaaaaaaaaat." Another voice which is beginning to get annoying at times is Chris Berman. I've always gotten a kick out of Berman - his enthusiasm, his energy, his one-liners, his nicknames. The guy brings excitement to highlights. However, it seems as if he has trouble taking normal breaths when speaking. It's like the guy wants to set the world recor...

I don't mind it sometimes when a person makes a statement, another either misunderstands or rebuts said statement, so the initial speaker says, "Well, I'm just saying that..." and then he or she goes on to elaborate on what they had said to hopefully garner a better understanding. However, it seems as if this "'just sayin'" trend is getting out of control, where a person may be met with a rebuttal of some kind and then he or she will then state, "I'm just sayin'." This can also be the case when they're responding to another's comment and finishing their statement with, "Just sayin'." When taken literally, this is true. They were just saying what they just said. Given that, it's fairly pointless to say "just sayin'." It's not like if someone approaches me while I take my dog out, I respond with, "I'm just walkin'" or when my special lady friend (if I had one) walked in...

So, for whatever reason, I decided to do some research on what the people thought about holiday jewelry commercials, in particular, Kay and Jared's. On one Yahoo board, the question was, "Aren't the Jared's commercials awful?" One person responded with, "You remember them, so obviously not." Eh, just because a person remembers something doesn't mean it's quality. It can be the direct opposite actually. If something is seemingly stuck inside one's noggin, there's a decent chance that it's either very well done or so awful it won't go away. I'll never forget the films "Date Movie," "Gone Fishin'" or "Dude, Where's My Car?" This isn't because I felt these were quality movies. I felt the direct opposite. In my humble opinion, they were the three worst films I've ever seen. When it comes to moments in my life, I'll likely remember the very best and worst moments more than an...

Yeah, so we heard and don't really care. These commercials are quite annoying. I can just hear the exaggerative giddy and high-pitched voices if a man were to buy a gift from somewhere else: "He went to Spencer's!" "He went to Hot Topic!" "He went to Lowe's!" "He went to Wal-Mart!" "He went to the Dollar Store!"

No, that's not a typo. Watch a replay of Countdown somewhere and scroll forward to the final 2-3 minutes when they made this announcement. It was incredible to watch the show today. The show airs from 10 am to 1 pm. I'd say about half the show was dedicated to Tebow. I'm not exaggerating. Again, watch a replay of the program. Hell, it felt like more than half the show was dedicated to the guy. Fricking ridiculous. Does ESPN realize what they're doing? It's like a hit single on the radio. People may love it at first, but if it gets played too frequently, people are going to grow tired of it...and fast... That's kind of where I am. My dad and I were watching the show and we couldn't believe it. Chris Berman, Mike Ditka, Keyshawn Johnson, Cris Carter, Tom Jackson, Merrill Hoge, Suzy Kolber, Trent Dilfer, etc., etc., etc. were talking about Tebow. We heard Tebow speak to an ESPN reporter. We were placed inside the huddle with guess who? Tebow. We were given a ...

What really is the point of canned laughter? I can't say I'm a fan of it when I'm watching a show and I keep hearing phony laughter throughout its half-hour duration. I honestly don't think a stand-up comic would appreciate just hearing canned laughter as opposed to members of the live audience actually enjoying his or her jokes through hearty laughter. When I tell a joke, it's nice to see a person actually enjoying it based on their facial expressions and the genuine sound emanating from their mouths. I can't say I'd care for it much that when I tried being funny all I heard was fake laughter. Some people may not be the brightest crayons in the box, as the saying goes, but I don't think most people, even those with sub-par intelligence, need to be told when they should laugh. I think most people would get a little annoyed if there was a random phony voice whom spoke during a movie, saying things such as, "Ooh, watch this!" or "This ...

This word isn’t considered vulgar by the vast majority, but in my mind, it can be as vulgar as any other four-letter word in existence. The word I'm speaking of is "like”.   I know, I know the word is just when used properly, such as when one shows an interest or pleasure in something. It's also just when used as a simile. But I’m not referring to such scenarios. I’m referring to when every other word that comes out of a person’s mouth is “like”. It doesn't matter whether or not it makes sense. It doesn't matter if he or she sounds stupid when speaking. All that seems to matter is that they include the word "like" into the conversation at least thirty-eight times in the span of five minutes. I would like to give a brief example of what I'm talking about in a made-up dialogue between a girl, whom is quite excited about a date she had, and her male friend. I call it, “The Valley Girl Complex”: Bruce: “So, how was your date over the weekend?” Tri...