The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Having grown up in the brick-red state of Nebraska and currently residing in a rather conservative town in Ohio, it's safe to say I've been largely surrounded by Republicans for most of my life. Due to that, it was all but inevitable a decent percentage of my friends, or at least those with whom I interacted, would be of that political persuasion. Fortunately, while I tend to try and stray away from political banter with most of these individuals, a majority of them have told me at one time or another that I was their favorite liberal or that, while they may have disagreed with me, they respected me. That brings me to Saturday night, when such a person, who happened to be drunk at the time, approached me right after I entered a bar, and started going on a political rant. As, given his inebriated state at the time, there was really no point in me debating him, I just listened. Here were some of the highlights:  - "Hemorrhoids kill more people than guns!" - ...

It seems that every time I listen to Donald Trump speak, I'm left flabbergasted as to how this man could have become our president. A recent speech he gave in front of the United States Navy aboard the USS Gerald R. Ford in Newport News, Virginia, was no exception. When reading this speech, like most Donald Trump speeches, I envisioned him being drunk, because that's how he comes across. The speech was written at a grade 7 reading level (which means it can be understood by most 12-13-year-olds). While the average number of words per sentence is preferred to be in the 15 to 20 range, Trump's average was 11.53. Similarly, his average number of syllables per word was lower than the average overall, as he averaged 1.44 compared to 1.66, which is considered "normal." Here are some of the standout moments from Trump's speech: "Thank you.  Thank you very much.  What an honor.  They just gave me this beautiful jacket.  They said, here, Mr. President, please...

It seems that because of the Sarah Palin Channel , political satire may not be necessary, because I'm not sure Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert could have even satirized Sarah Palin better than she satirized herself with a recent speech she gave. Please join me in reading this one-of-a-kind speech, where Palin comes across as drunker than a man nicknamed Mr. Slur-a-Lot by his bar buddies. ...and yes, I may make a few remarks of my own regarding Palin's seemingly drunken tirade. Ms. Palin, please take it away! "We believe that Washington DC need to take less of our money it need more scrutiny, fewer bureaucrats... and it needs a  reminder of the principles laid down in the constitution that our leaders swear to defend." It appears as if the former Alaska Governor has decided to go the what's-grammar-again route. This should make for a few good laughs, or headaches, or perhaps both. Please continue... "Furthermore we believe crony capitalism is infecting bo...

With the guy's I-don't-give-a-crap personality, his wild quotes, and seemingly insane behavior, it seems all but certain that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford will be the star of a reality show in the not-too-distant future. Possible titles of the show include the following: - "The Crack-Smoking Mayor" - "All-You-Can-Eat Buffet" - "He Said What?" - "It's 5 O'Clock Somewhere" - "What Happened Last Night?" - "Drunk-Dialing Telemarketers and Phone-Sex Operators"

I'm not sure which I find more troubling - an article I read which told the story about a pizza shop in Champaign, Illinois that advertised giving away free pizza in exchange for women to show employees their breasts or the ensuing comments from members of HuffingtonPost.com . That's right, ladies! If you're out bar-hopping in the college town of Champaign, Illinois, get the late-night munchies, and want a free pizza, all you have to do is go to Drew's Pizza and lift your shirt for all to see. It's as simple as that! As Drew's Pizza employee Brice Hartman explained to a local ABC affiliate, "Somebody comes in says, 'Hey I'm drunk, if I flash you, can I get a free pizza?' Yeah sure, why not? It makes everybody here happy. It makes the crowd happy." Drew's Pizza even posted the following tweets on their Twitter page before recently closing their account in light of this story: "LAST CALL TITS FOR PIZZA #uiuc ladies only"...

Every now and again, I bump into someone (usually a guy) who at least partially blames rape victims for the crime. I can just imagine the look on my face as I'm hearing the partial defense of rapists - one which religious mothers may give after they've lost their voice and caught their son masturbating - confused, silent, shocked, and disgusted. Of course, when hearing such opinions, it always starts like this: "Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that rape is right or anything, but come on... I mean..." ...and then comes the alleged rationale of the rapists and the critique of the victims. "When a woman wears something like that and shows that much skin, she's just seeking attention and what's a guy to think?" Sure, she may want to get looked at, but seeking attention as far as admiring eyes goes is far different than forced sexual intercourse. "She got wasted. She put herself in that position." I don't care how d...

Television talk show host Dr. Phil (McGraw) has come under fire for a tweet he posted Tuesday on Twitter. The tweet said, "If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @drphill #teenaccused" This has resulted in a Change.org petition going around, which has already resulted in over 800 signatures. It's also resulted in some angry responses before the tweet was finally removed. Here are a few examples of these very responses: - "Dr Oz was saving lives today and Dr. Phil is trying to hook up with drunk girls where is @oprah she needs to have an emergency team meeting" - "If Dr. Phil is drunk is it okay for him to tweet?" - "If a person is a misogynist, is it OK to just refer to him as 'Dr. Phil' from now on? #DrPhilQuestions" Now, it's ridiculous to think that Dr. Phil was "trying to hook up with drunk girls," as one responder claims, since the talk show host was likely just trying to gar...

There's a reason why root canals are more popular than Congress right now, as Congress' approval rating stands at approximately 15%. At least with a root canal, something is taking place which needs to be done. That's more than can be said about Congress, which is doing next to nothing and doesn't seem to be at all phased by it. This is especially the case with the Republican-dominated House of Representatives. While the Senate has been fairly worthless, it has at least given the illusion that it can pass a bill worthy of being passed, whereas the Republican House appears itself to be hallucinating with the rare bills it passes, while sporadically suffering flashbacks to when its members were involved in a Jim Jones-like cult. Even though Democrats control the Senate and the President of the United States is currently a representative of that party, the Republican House has attempted to repeal Obamacare 40 times, which has cost taxpayers around $50 million. At this curr...

Not long ago, I bumped into my next-door neighbors at a local pub. The husband seemed pretty low-key that night. He said hi and everything, but didn't say a whole lot. His wife, on the other hand, seemed rather inebriated and kind of got into my face about a couple things. She said, and I quote, "You're a lousy neighbor." I had a few drinks in me at the time too and while I was kind of shocked and hurt by the claim, I was in no mood to get into some silly argument with a person I don't know very well. She then said that she has invited me over numerous times to join she and the family in some kind of barbecue or something along those lines. I can't remember any such times (specifically) when this occurred. The only time(s) I vaguely remember this happening is a year or two ago, over a holiday weekend, when I had family in town. I was walking my dog, she waved and said hi, and may have said, "You guys should stop over." If we had more of a head...

I've had to shake my head and give the look of a man who has been just told he's pregnant (yes, that confused) whenever I've read about a state making it legal for people to carry firearms into bars. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions, slows our reaction time, leaves us more apt to saying and doing things we wouldn't normally, and even prompts some to become angry and violent. Being in the possession of a gun, let alone handling one isn't the wisest of moves for a person who has been drinking. Sadly, this very point was proven just recently, as after drinking vodka and lemonade for several hours this past Saturday, Michelle Wanko of Pennsylvania accidentally shot and killed her husband Michael when he was giving her a gun lesson. Obviously this couple wasn't thinking properly during this time and as much of a gun control proponent as I am, I have a hard time believing any kind of legislation could have prevented this tragedy. However, I'd like to believe mos...

So, I heard a funny comment at a bar this past weekend. The individual said something along the lines of, "I'm not a racist, but I don't like Asian people that much..." I'm sure the look on my face was pretty priceless when hearing this. I wanted to sarcastically respond with, "I'm not a sexist, but I don't really care for women." Then again, with all the gay rumors floating around about me, perhaps that wouldn't have been such a wise decision...

I'm humored by many fast-food commercials' main actors being thin. It's as if they're trying to say, "Eat all this fast-food and you'll be fit and happy just like these people!" While we're at it, why not start airing Harvard University commercials where it showcases a bunch of high and drunk students in class? It would go something like this: Kobayashi: "Dude, where are we?" Keyser: "At Harvard , man!" Kobayashi: "We got accepted? I was totally trippin' when I took that ABT test thingy." Keyser: "You mean the SAC?" Kobayashi: "For sure!" Keyser: "I did some weed just before taking the tests." Kobayashi: "But you don't even smoke..." Keyser: "I was just around it, you know? I could feel it..." Kobayashi: "Far out." "Harvard University - No matter how high you are, we'll be higher. Apply today!"

Upon driving home late the other night, I was extremely tired. In hindsight, while I made it home without any problem, I think that perhaps I shouldn't have driven. I hadn't been drinking at all, but upon driving home, I started to wonder what similarities there were between driving drunk and driving tired. The following day, I did some research and unsurprisingly - for me at least - there are more similarities than differences between driving drunk and driving tired. In both cases, one's reaction time is slower than is typical, and while driving tired may be legal, it may be just as dangerous if not more dangerous to drive tired than drive drunk. So, I guess my advice for everyone is, unless you must, I'd highly recommend not driving tired. If you must, perhaps make certain to consume caffeine about thirty minutes prior to leaving to provide you with a boost. I'll include a link with more on a study comparing the similarities between driving drunk and driving tired...

I had an interesting on Friday. I thought I was feeling better (I was wrong), so I headed out for a bit.  This REALLY drunk guy, Dick, asked this woman and I if we believed in God. I was thinking, "Ohhhh crap... Let's not do this."  The lady, Melissa, immediately said, "No." He asked her why and she said because there's no physical proof.  He asked me and I said, "I don't know. I don't believe anyone can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is or isn't a higher power."  I could tell he was bothered by what Melissa and I said, so I just said, "Alright. We have three different perspectives here - an atheist (Melissa), an agnostic (me) and a deist (Dick). Hooray for differences of opinion. Let's drink! Cheers!"  Nope, that didn't work. So Dick started preaching. He was so wasted. He was slurring, repeating himself, etc. He was talking about, "It's all about good and evil. There's good an...

It's unofficially official (according to me), Texas Governor and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry sounded a tad drunk or high in his recent New Hampshire speech. I'll give you all a chance to view this for yourselves: http://www.fitsnews.com/2011/11/01/nh-speech-was-rick-perry-drunk/ Pretty funny stuff, eh? I really hate to stereotype, but what is it with these Texas Governors? It's well documented that George W. Bush, at one time, had a drinking problem. He didn't seem to shy away from the coke or choking on pretzels either. Whenever the guy spoke, I had to think to myself, "Can he really be that dumb or is he just drunk?" Unfortunately for him (and us), I don't think he was drunk. Rick Perry comes across as Bush's non-identical twin. The way they talk (eloquent, of course...), they way they gesture, the way they have difficulty forming complete grammatically-correct sentences and the way they appear as if they're drunk or high half ...

One Night When I awaken, I look next to me, Uncertain of who you are, I begin to shudder, The surrounding room unrecognizable, Not cognizant of how I arrived, My memory lacking all the details, Not fully knowing what happened last night, Worries run rampant, As I try to sneak out, Hoping I used protection, Yet feeling much doubt, Out the door I walk, Hopeful it’s nothing but a thing of the past, Praying you don’t call, That I never bump into you again, In my car I travel, Uncertain of where I am, Receiving constant flashbacks, Promising myself it’ll never happen again, Right as I return home, I hop into the shower, Trying to cleanse myself of filth, Seemingly unable to scrub hard enough, I hit the bars the following night, Hungover yet again, Uncertain of who is next to me, Uncertain of who I am.

Slurred Vision I reach for the bottle, Promising myself only one, For a sense of relaxation, After a long day’s work, Upon finishing the drink, I feel no change, No decrease in stress or worries, Everything is exactly the same, I reach for a second bottle, A third and a fourth, Adding in a shot of Whiskey, This should do the trick, A relaxation finally sets in, A buzz helps me to forget, My day at work, My fears, worries and stress, The room then starts to spin, My vision is blurred, Unable to get up, My speech is slurred, Drunk in seclusion, I try to cry out, Having pushed everyone aside, Everyone except the bottle.

In March, I decided to head to the bars and drink alcohol. It was the first time I had drank alcohol in the new year (49 days). So, no, I'm not a drunk. However, it seems when I have a few drinks in an evening, there's a 50/50 chance I'll wake up feeling guilty about it. The same was true that following morning. I think it may be due to the fact someone very close to me has a problem with alcohol, so when I do drink, it instills a fear in me that I will one day become like him with regard to my consuming of alcohol. Also, it makes me feel guilty for being like him for even a single evening and that's the last thing I want to do. I'm typically very happy after I've had a few adult soda pops. I become an exaggerated version of my sober self. But, when thinking back to an alcohol-filled evening, I feel guilt about not fully being myself, from being influenced by a foreign substance. I wasn't drunk, but was dang close and wound up calling someone fairly late...

I love when people resort to what they consumed the night before as an excuse. I sometimes think that's why people drink alcohol in the first place, because it automatically gives them an excuse to be stupid. It's even worse when people claim to not have remembered the prior evening's events. "Oh my gosh, I was like so wasted last night." "Yeah you were. I can't believe you..." "I did that? No way! I so don't remember!" "You don't? Oh my gosh! You..." Then come the details of things the person is too embarrassed to admit. Alcohol makes us numb, indifferent and we lack the connection of cause and effect when we're intoxicated. Our conscience isn't quite where it should be when we're inebriated. I mean, I admit, I've done dumb things while I've been drinking, but I remember everything I did, won't deny what I did and won't play the drunk-excuse card with anyone. It's a sad excuse...