The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

As I find both horoscopes and MAGA humorous, I decided to write MAGA-themed horoscopes for the hell of it. Here they are. Enjoy! Aries (March 21 – April 19): On your date with Diamond on Saturday, you’re going to give her a bunch of singles and after you cum in record time, you’ll proudly shout, “Fastest ever! Winning!” Immediately after your date contends speed doesn’t equal victory, you respond, “Sex is rigged!” Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After being diagnosed by Rand Paul with Lazy AF Eye, you need some time to chill; gather your thoughts; and find your Zen. You’ll do that by going to the shooting range and screaming obscenities while opening fire on a target made to resemble Mr. Paul’s doppelganger – a Chia-Pet. When a child sees this; begins to cry; and screams, “You Chia-Pet murderer!,” you calmly yell back, “Guns don’t kill Chia-Pets; Chia-Pets kill Chia-Pets!” Gemini (May 21 – June 20): As only a true Gemini would, you decided to make your New Year’s resolution “masturbating o...

Duck Dynasty 's Phil Robertson has become notorious for putting his foot in his mouth when talking to the media. Well, now it's fellow Duck Dynasty star Si Robertson's turn. When speaking with the Christian Post recently, Robertson said this: "There's a lot of skeptics (regarding God) . I don't believe there's such a thing as an atheist. Because there's too much documentation. Our calendars are based on Jesus Christ. Whether you believe in him or not, every time you write down the day's date you're saying he's here." He added: "[When it comes to circumstances of life and death, there aren't many atheists] because if you get in a serious bind, the first thing you'll do is say [God], please help me." Riiight... Let's first look at Robertson's claim that our calendars are based on Jesus Christ. January: Named after the Roman god Janus (the month Januarius) Robertson's interpretation: "Jesus! His...

At church? At school? With a loved one's family? With a pastor? With the president? With strangers? I must say, in all of these scenarios, I have laid down smart aleck remarks and for the most part, received praise and laughter. Okay, so I haven't done so with the president, but it sounds like fun to me, especially with George W. Bush. He'd be looking around, with a confused grin on his face, wondering what I meant with a particular statement and wanting to ask his father for the answer. For the most part, teachers have enjoyed it. I even laid a couple down with the most serious teacher I've ever had in my life and she got a kick out of them. One pastor I was smart aleck with took it all in stride, laughed and laid one on me (a joke, not a...). That was a fun experience. Another pastor laughed, but posed that Bush-esque face I imagine after the president would hear a smart aleck line. So, did he understand what had been said? I can't say with great certainty that he...