The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

I broke a personal record for impressions within a 24-hour period yesterday with over 555,000. To join the party, click below and then click follow: https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki

I'd like to wish all my readers a very Happy New Year! May your 2015 be filled with lots of laughs, smiles, and successes! Whatever your New Year's plans, be safe, have fun, and don't get into any fights with bouncers named Bubba or Bruno! Happy New Year!

Since it's getting close to the weekend, I feel like lightening things up a bit with a joke. :: clears throat :: So, did you hear the one about a former potential vice president and her family getting into a brawl at a birthday party with a bunch of competitive snowmobile racers? No? Well, you're in for a treat, because it's actually true. A couple of weekends ago, Sarah Palin and her family attended a birthday party in Anchorage, where more competitive snowmobile racers were present than in the rest of the country combined. Yes, this included her husband, Todd. Things appeared to be going well for a while, but that all changed when Sarah's son, Track, allegedly confronted his sister Willow's ex-boyfriend. You know what? I think I'd be better off telling this story in a setting where I feel it'd be most appropriate - The Jerry Springer Show . Audience: "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Jerry Springer: "Thank you, and welcome to the show. I...

I haven't had very many interesting back-and-forths on Twitter yet. For one, I've only been a member for approximately 3 weeks or so. Secondly, I'm still learning how to use the darn thing. Finally, my main intent with the site is to garner more recognition for my written work, so I've interacted mainly with like-minded people. Yes, it's boring sometimes, I admit, but I have a much better chance of selling my books to liberals, moderates, and sarcastic individuals than to conservatives or people whom don't much care for sarcasm. Today, though, I discovered that an individual with whom I disagree more than drunk drivers and cops replied to a tweet of mine and we've gone on to have a somewhat interesting and sad back-and-forth. Here's how it's gone to this point: Me: "Why are so many conservatives turned off about conserving the environment?" Him: "'Conservative' is incorrect. You can say 'right' or 'republicans....

On the front of my '80s-rocker costume (I simply called it - Craig on a Saturday night, because let's be honest - that's how I always dress on Saturdays) was a sign I created which said, "Hey baby, wanna be my groupie?" and on the back, I created a top ten list of groupie disqualifiers. Here they are: My Top Ten Groupie Disqualifiers 10) You've slept with one of the following people: Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlain, Mister Rogers or The Pope. 9) After sleeping with you, 94% of guys immediately look at you, begin to cry and then say, "I think I might be gay." 8) You think Kama (comma) Sutra is a kind of punctuation used in India.  7) You've been cordially greeted by multiple sumo wrestlers, as they feel you're one of them. 6) Debbie Downer is forced to take Prozac before, during and after speaking to you.  5) You have what is known as golf-enthusiast's Tourette's syndrome in the bedroom, as just before forn...

Before Barack Obama, our two previous presidents had a lot of jokes passed around about them and for good reason(s) - they'd make for pretty good party friends. Just imagine what they'd offer the party. With Clinton, come on, you know he could bring some ladies along with him. He could also hook the gig up with some musicians, himself included (saxophone). Bill would find some doobies to pass around for people to smoke, but not inhale. I'm sure he could get some great deals on fast food as well. The ladies, the tunes, the weed and the grub. Bush would be good for a comedy act. He could just give one of his speeches in front of a drunk and stoned audience and the end result would be a constant stream of hearty laughter. He'd also provide coke (Clapton sang about this kind), booze, pretzels and drunken security guards whom would keep everyone on their toes (watch out, they may think you're a bird!). I can see Bill lighting a doobie and telling stories about his ...