The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

As I find both horoscopes and MAGA humorous, I decided to write MAGA-themed horoscopes for the hell of it. Here they are. Enjoy! Aries (March 21 – April 19): On your date with Diamond on Saturday, you’re going to give her a bunch of singles and after you cum in record time, you’ll proudly shout, “Fastest ever! Winning!” Immediately after your date contends speed doesn’t equal victory, you respond, “Sex is rigged!” Taurus (April 20 – May 20): After being diagnosed by Rand Paul with Lazy AF Eye, you need some time to chill; gather your thoughts; and find your Zen. You’ll do that by going to the shooting range and screaming obscenities while opening fire on a target made to resemble Mr. Paul’s doppelganger – a Chia-Pet. When a child sees this; begins to cry; and screams, “You Chia-Pet murderer!,” you calmly yell back, “Guns don’t kill Chia-Pets; Chia-Pets kill Chia-Pets!” Gemini (May 21 – June 20): As only a true Gemini would, you decided to make your New Year’s resolution “masturbating o...

Given Donald Trump's tendency to turn his back on specifics in favor of the vague route, I have to imagine, if this whole presidency thing doesn't work out, he may opt to start writing horoscopes. Here's how I envision him writing them: Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): "You need to get serious about your future - like seriously serious. Stand in front of a mirror today and say, 'Time to get serious.' If the mirror doesn't talk back, you get three wishes or something. If it does talk back, you may need to see a doctor like I did." Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): "You could go this way or the other way. If you go this way, be smart about it. If you go the other way, be even more smarter. I remember when I went both ways. It was just a college phase, but anyway..." Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "Like that Costner dude said one time, 'If you give it, he will come.' In other words, if you give it, he will come, you know? Yeah......

I often times hear people resort to the Bible when it comes to making decisions, especially moral ones. I've also heard many such individuals claim that without religion, we'd experience moral chaos. I guess my question is why do so many people seem to depend on an ancient book for moral guidance? Why can't we think about things for ourselves and actually decide based on what we personally feel is right? It's not like I need the Bible's Commandment of "Thou shalt not kill" to know it's not acceptable to go around killing people. Setting: Awaking in bed some random morning My thoughts: "Hmm... I wonder who I should kill today. It is a Monday, so I'm pretty pissed off at the world right now. I could go a number of different directions. Let's see what God has to say..." ::reads the Ten Commandments:: My thoughts: "Crap! Thou shalt not kill? What the hell is up with that? Even on Mondays? God! Well, I guess I'll have to...

That's right. Each and every day, I read my horoscope and that's how I plan my day. I also have a lifetime supply of fortune cookies, where I will follow their advice on a daily basis. In addition to that, I see palm readers, fortune tellers and tarot card readers to tell me what my future will be like and what I need to do on a daily basis to attain what is my fate. Okay, so none of that is true. I really wish I had come up with the idea of writing horoscopes. How easy would that be? Just give an extremely vague and general form of advice, with no clear direction whatsoever and ask people to read and believe in its wisdom. It reminds me of comedian George Carlin's old bit about the Hippy-Dippy Weatherman. He said something along the lines of, "Tonight - dark. Light in the morning, with a chance of precipitation and the temperatures will change off and on for a very long period of time." After that forecast, he could retire. A horoscope is vague much like...