The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

After arguably the most grueling primary season in American history, conservative Christian Republican voters have decided to go with Satan as their party's nominee for November's presidential election. According to most polls, the turning point in Satan's campaign was when he gave the following speech on national television to a group of Hickman, Nebraska elementary school students: "Don't believe a word your parents, teachers, police officers, politicians, and other authority figures ever told you. 'Heal the world?' No, screw the world! 'Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you?' Do for yourself and forget all others! 'Thou shalt not steal?' Stealing is what made this country! 'Love trumps hate?' Trust no one; hate everyone! Do everything in your power to humiliate and punish the weak! When they're down, kick them even harder! So destroy what's left of your conscience! Be the ultimate master of the universe! Rule...

When it comes to religion, I don't pretend to have all the answers. However, regardless if the answers are impossible to fully deduce while alive on this earth, I find it fascinating to ponder about such matters, because I'm a creative nerd whose mind likes to constantly be in overdrive. I grew up in a Christian household, have studied multiple religions throughout my life out of pure curiosity, and would today label myself as a humanist and/or an agnostic. While I believe many of these sacred texts provide interesting story material, which can help teach us many of life's important lessons, I'm hard-pressed to take them all literally, and have reached a point where I feel that, while I can't fully disprove the presence of a higher power, I can't fully prove it either. Due to this, I simply try to stand by the Golden Rule, acknowledge my mistakes and flaws, and continually try to improve upon them to better myself as a person, regardless of the potential reward ...

During a speech made at the conservative Napa Institute Conference on August 2nd, Catholic Archbishop John C. Niendstedt of St. Paul and Minneapolis said this: "Today, many evil forces have set their sights on the dissolution of marriage and the debasing of family life. Sodomy, abortion, contraception, pornography, the redefinition of marriage, and the denial of objective truth are just some of the forces threatening the stability of our civilization. The source of these machinations is none other than the Father of Lies. Satan knows all too well the value that the family contributes to the fabric of a good solid society, as well as the future of God's work on earth." So, let me get this straight - Satan is behind the "evils" of: Sodomy, abortion, contraception, pornography, the redefinition of marriage, and the denial of objective truth? He has his sights set on these "evils" to try and tear apart marriages and families? First of all, it appears...

It's another day and I've been handed another crazy quote which to write about. Apparently, Virginia's GOP lieutenant governor candidate - E.W. Jackson - wrote the following interesting bit in his 2008 book, Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life: Making Your Dreams Come True : "When one hears the word meditation, it conjures an image of Maharishi Yoga talking about finding a mantra and striving for nirvana. The purpose of such meditation is to empty oneself. [Satan] is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it. Beware of systems of spirituality which tell you to empty yourself. You will end up filled with something you probably do not want." What about emptying oneself of sin? Of bodily fluids? Of crap (yes, to be taken ambiguously)? These can all be spiritual experiences. Am I at potential risk of Satan taking possession of my being if and when I use the restroom? At restaurants, should restroom signs now read, "Satan's Men...

Organized religion tends to greatly perplex me. I suppose I have difficulty with blind faith. I trust science, the observable, over religion, or the unobservable. However, I have more trouble with the contradictions, the irrationality that resides in organized religion. Since I was born and raised in the U.S. by Christian parents, I'm most familiar with that religion. So, let me run a thought by you which makes me scratch my head. The story goes that Satan is responsible for man's sins, correct? Jesus lived a perfect life and sacrificed himself on a cross to die for these infinite sins, right? Through Jesus, we will be saved and forever live in a paradise known as heaven, true? So, Jesus is seen as the savior of man kind, yes? Alright, so what if the devil didn't exist? Then what? Would sin then not exist? What would Jesus then have to sacrifice himself for? If it weren't for sin, Jesus wouldn't need to save us from what doesn't exist. So, my question is, wh...

Commentary What did everyone think of the book or author? “I feel dirty after reading this.” - Prostitute “We like a lot of guys, but he may be our favorite. - Boy Band “The book was interesting. It… Oh, did you see that bird over there? Wow, there are a lot of planes that come this way, huh? That blade of grass is moving quite a bit. Oh, look, a car!” - Person with ADD “Why do you do this to me? My parents are going to hate you now because of this book! Why? Why, Craig? Do you want me to be miserable? Sometimes I think you do. Ugh!” - Future Wife “I’ll get to your question in a second. Let me pull out my binoculars first. You see him up there? He’s working out again. God, he’s so hot!” - Stalker “Thank God I saved his sinful ass.” - Jesus “It looks like he will be receiving plenty of coal this year.” - Santa Claus “I loved it!” - Satan “You can tell he went all in. Speaking of which, I’d like to go all in.” - Professional Poker Player and Porn Star on the side “I can tell...