The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Having grown up in the brick-red state of Nebraska and currently residing in a rather conservative town in Ohio, it's safe to say I've been largely surrounded by Republicans for most of my life. Due to that, it was all but inevitable a decent percentage of my friends, or at least those with whom I interacted, would be of that political persuasion. Fortunately, while I tend to try and stray away from political banter with most of these individuals, a majority of them have told me at one time or another that I was their favorite liberal or that, while they may have disagreed with me, they respected me. That brings me to Saturday night, when such a person, who happened to be drunk at the time, approached me right after I entered a bar, and started going on a political rant. As, given his inebriated state at the time, there was really no point in me debating him, I just listened. Here were some of the highlights:  - "Hemorrhoids kill more people than guns!" - ...

While I was at a bar last night, I overheard a drunk man exclaim, "Trump has done more in his first year than Obama did in all his years!" I had to simultaneously chuckle and give myself a facepalm at this declaration. It's ironically humorous that this individual feels this way, for he's about one thing and one thing only - money. When Barack Obama entered the Oval Office, we were dealing with the largest financial crisis since the Great Depression. Hundreds of thousands of jobs were being lost every month, to the point where the unemployment rate increased to 10.0%. People were losing their jobs, money, homes at a pace not seen in 70 years. Under Obama's leadership, however, the economy was able to stabilize, and the unemployment rate decreased to 4.8% as a result. So it's quite amazing and ignorant for this drunken individual to lay claim that a man who inherited a strong economy has done more for it in a single year than one who inherited the Great Reces...

On inauguration day, I decided to meet up with some fellow progressive friends and get plastered. One friend sported a satirical Trump t-shirt I designed for her, while I wore one which said, "Thanks Obama." At this particular bar, we bumped into a middle-aged man who was proudly wearing a Trump/Pence shirt. When I first walked past him, he tapped my shoulder and said something along the lines of, "How's your cell phone? Now that Obama's not president, it's probably not working too well, is it?" He then laughed, I shook my head, and walked away. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about, but after thinking on matters, I figured he was probably referring to the debunked conspiracy that the Obama administration created a program which gave away free cell phones to poor people, because, you know, free cell phones equals votes, even when a third term isn't possible. Later in the evening, after talking with some friends of mine near the Trumpst...

I was caught off guard over the weekend when a friend of mine asked me, "So what do you plan to do with the rest of your life?" I think I was doubly caught off guard due to the fact I was out and relaxing at a bar. When I venture to such a destination, the last thing I think about is, "Where am I going to be 20 years from now?" At least for me, I go to bars to temporarily unwind and get away from reality, not to have it thrown in my face. In any case, even 48 hours after the fact, I'd still have difficulty in concretely answering the question, "So what do you plan to do with the rest of your life?" Now, if I had been asked, "What are your end goals or dreams?" I would have had a fairly easy time responding in full. However, as I've come to learn, it's incredibly difficult, if not next to impossible, to fully plan life. On a daily basis, things happen which we never would have expected, let alone planned, and that's one of the lo...

Like a lot of people, I traveled to spend some time with friends and family over the Thanksgiving holiday. We consumed large amounts of food, adult beverages, and football. There were laughs shared, as well as interesting stories, inside jokes, gaffes, like most other family gatherings. As normal as this all may sound, there was one experience over the extended holiday weekend which would be viewed as quite atypical for most people, has sadly become typical for me, and I felt the need to share it. On Wednesday night, like a lot of people, I ventured a local bar and had a few drinks with friends and family. Not five minutes after sitting down, a drunken older lady pointed at me and said, "I know you, right?" to which I simply replied, "Yeah, karaoke." She had seen me sing previously and commented about it to a cousin of mine. She then told a couple guys close to her, as she pointed at me, "He looks like a young Tom Hanks." I'm not sure what I've d...

Almost immediately after I stepped into a bar last night, I was approached by someone who wanted to tell me about a Fox News segment he recently saw regarding the Black Lives Matter movement. I didn't say much of anything because I could tell he was intoxicated, the two of us were on opposite ends of the political spectrum, and four days following the death of a friend, I was really in no mood to involve myself in a heated argument. So, as I often times do, I just listened, tried understanding his point of view, but in the end, felt he missed the bigger picture. His major point, as I often times hear with conservatives, was, "Black lives matter? What about black-on-black crime? Blacks are killing other blacks, so why don't these blacks prove that black lives matter by not killing each other?" He then cleverly looked at the opposing argument, saying, "I got into a heated debate with a black friend of mine, who pointed out white-on-white crime, but there's ...

When I'm out and about over the weekends, rarely do I discuss politics. This is mainly due to two reasons: 1) It's what I read and write about for the majority of my workweek and 2) I've learned that it's typically not a good idea to mix alcohol and political discussions. Like with most other people, when I'm away from the workplace, the last thing I want to do is think about or discuss my work. Reading and writing about current events, especially in the world of politics, for most of the workweek, the last thing I want to do when I'm out is talk about what I've read and written about for hours at a time leading up to that moment. Also, politics is a very touchy and divisive subject. There's an old rule which says states that one shouldn't talk about the four following subjects with another person (a stranger or person one doesn't know very well): 1) Money, 2) Sex, 3) Politics, and 4) Religion. On Saturday night, however, I did wind up discussi...

So I went out last week to celebrate a friend of mine's birthday. During the evening, another friend of mine's mother, whom appeared to be a bit inebriated, began talking to me. She and I had met a couple of times before and I think it's safe to say she's taken a liking to me. This was especially apparent last week when she attempted to set me up with pretty much every single woman in her family. It even reached the point where she talked about setting me up with her other son's ex-wife and a 23-year-old niece that's in college. It was an awkward yet flattering moment to be certain. Knowing how intoxicated she was and how embarrassed her son was, I just attempted to go with the flow, let her know that her words were extremely flattering, but that I wasn't interested. One remark she made about her niece stood out to me and almost made me chuckle as a result. Fortunately, I was able to withhold from doing that, as I limited my laughter to the internal kind. Ye...

Online dating is an interesting phenomenon which appears to be steadily growing in popularity. While I've given such sites a gander on multiple occasions, despite its growing popularity, I see many pros and cons about such sites. As far as pros go, I think the main one is, unlike when attempting to start a conversation with someone at a bar and only going off their physical appearance to prompt you to do so, these sites provide a great deal more information, which can be quite helpful. As I've always said, no matter how physically attractive a person might be, that attraction can only hold my interest for so long before I get bored and lose complete interest in getting to know her better, and I start thinking, "Well, if I had known she couldn't hold a decent conversation before approaching her, I would have saved myself this headache and not talked to her at all." At least with online profiles, it can save people time, energy, and money on Advil, because they...

As seems to be typical anymore, I had an interesting bar discussion over the weekend - this time, with a self-described conservative Republican. I say "self-described," because after talking to him, it was difficult for me to see him as a member of the modern-day Republican Party. Here's a brief rundown of what this man believes: 1) Supports women's reproductive rights 2) Supports gays' rights 3) Supports taxing the rich a bit more 4) Supports conserving our environment 5) Is an NRA member, but supports what he calls "common sense gun-control laws" 6) Does not support the Citizens United ruling 7) Loathes the Tea Party 8) Doesn't believe Ronald Reagan would make it in today's Republican Party 9) Thinks lobbyists are the worst thing since the Antichrist 10) Voted for Bush (W.) twice, McCain, and Romney, in the elections ranging from 2000 to 2012 Reading the first nine points, most people would assume this man was either an ...

So I got into a discussion with a guy at a bar this past weekend. He asked what I did, and I responded with, "I write - freelance and books, as well as appear on radio shows every now and again." When he asked what I wrote about, I simply responded with, "Satire," to hopefully ward off the potential for a political debate. When he then said, "Oh, political satire," I decided to be fully honest, and said, "Yes. I write satire on pretty much everything, but politics is my central focus. I'd say George Carlin and Jon Stewart are two of my biggest influences." Then that's when things got interesting... Upon hearing what I had just said, he went into an incredibly long tangent. He started off by talking about how great George Carlin was as a comedian, and that he likes intelligent humor. From there, he segued to how he enjoyed Dennis Miller's humor - that some people just don't "get" his humor, which is why they don't f...

Strange stories seem to follow me wherever I go. This is especially true when I go to bars on Friday or Saturday nights. For a while there, Vegas odds were at 1 : 1 that I would get asked by at least one person if I was gay. These were typically complete strangers, whom, after talking to me for 5 minutes, felt the need to ask what my sexuality was. There was another time when a woman at a bachelorette party pointed over in my direction, walked over, grabbed me by the head, and tried to french kiss me. A drunk woman tried setting me up with her mother at another point, who seemed embarrassed by it. Not too long ago, I got hit on by a married Jewish woman and a Hispanic guy the same night. Yes, for whatever reason, strange situations seem to follow me around like paparazzi's do celebrities.  This trend continued last Wednesday night when some family of mine and I went out for a bit. Some family of mine came into town that afternoon for Thanksgiving weekend and we headed to a benef...

I got into a conversation with a couple people very close to me recently and while I was able to keep my cool, as usual, I almost went ballistic on them. We were talking about family, and when discussing three specific family members and how we've kind of drifted apart from them through the years, the conversation soon transitioned to rape. Unfortunately, all three of these individuals were raped at one point or another, and also unfortunately, I've noticed differences in their behavior years after the horrific incidents - most likely due to said incidents. For one reason or another, both people whom were accompanying me basically spoke in unison with one another and said, "It just makes you wonder why that is. I mean, all three of them? They all show a lot of cleavage. I wonder if that has anything to do with it. I'm not saying it's right or anything, but they were kind of asking for it." I'm sure upon hearing this my eyes got as wide as saucers, my...

A friend of mine flew in from Texas for business yesterday, so he and I met up at a local pub for a couple drinks and to chat. As the night progressed and the quantity of beverages people consumed increased, things started to become quite interesting on the conversation front. Seated next to me was an older man I had never met before and seated near him was one of the two owners of the place, with whom I've butted heads with in the past regarding some things - namely politics. When the owner went outside for a smoke, the man next to me began talking about the national gun debate and started his tangent by saying, "I've been an NRA member since I was 18-years old..." When I initially heard this, I thought to myself, "Oh boy, this is going to be an interesting conversation. Perhaps I should bring in my most recent book - LOL at the GOP - Volume 3: Guns Don't Kill, Cars Don't Drive, and Ovens Don't Bake ." Oddly enough, though, this NRA member i...

Not long ago, I bumped into my next-door neighbors at a local pub. The husband seemed pretty low-key that night. He said hi and everything, but didn't say a whole lot. His wife, on the other hand, seemed rather inebriated and kind of got into my face about a couple things. She said, and I quote, "You're a lousy neighbor." I had a few drinks in me at the time too and while I was kind of shocked and hurt by the claim, I was in no mood to get into some silly argument with a person I don't know very well. She then said that she has invited me over numerous times to join she and the family in some kind of barbecue or something along those lines. I can't remember any such times (specifically) when this occurred. The only time(s) I vaguely remember this happening is a year or two ago, over a holiday weekend, when I had family in town. I was walking my dog, she waved and said hi, and may have said, "You guys should stop over." If we had more of a head...

Setting: A bar by the name of Big Bulges in Climax, Georgia Trevor Yankton: ::walks up to a lady at the bar:: "Hey good lookin'. How's about you and I go back to my truck and make-out for a while?" Crystal Domeyah: "Excuse me? I'm not THAT easy!" Yankton: "I thought you's was that one gal that the entire football team did, even the mascot and waterboy..." Domeyah: "Well, yeah! ...but still... Buy me a drink and then I'll go back to your truck with you." Yankton: "Sounds good. What would you like?" Domeyah: "Just a Coors Light would be fine." Yankton: "Hey, bartender, one Coors Light for my new lady friend over here." Bartender Timothy Tebow: "Again, Crystal? How many free Coors Lights is that this month? 6? 7?" Domeyah: "Very funny, Timmy. I've lost track, but I think this will be #26." Tebow: "Geez... Well, have fun you two!" Yankton: "...

So, I heard a funny comment at a bar this past weekend. The individual said something along the lines of, "I'm not a racist, but I don't like Asian people that much..." I'm sure the look on my face was pretty priceless when hearing this. I wanted to sarcastically respond with, "I'm not a sexist, but I don't really care for women." Then again, with all the gay rumors floating around about me, perhaps that wouldn't have been such a wise decision...

Wow, so last night was lovely. An old buddy of mine wanted me to meet up with him at a pub, so I said sure. I didn't plan on drinking or anything, but hadn't seen him in a while and it was his birthday not long ago, so I kind of wanted to go, catch up and buy him a drink for his birthday. Little did I realize he'd be accompanied by a friend who would be wasted and in the middle of breaking up with a guy via text. I guess this lady had been drinking since about noon and it was 8:15 when I arrived. To say she was messed up would be like saying Rush Limbaugh is large. She had just broken up with her boyfriend (of 6 weeks) via text. He would respond. She'd read these texts aloud and ask three guys in the area what she should say next. The pitch in her voice made me envision someone placing their nails against a chalkboard. She just kept repeatedly asking, "What do I say?" "What do I say?" "What do I say?" She'd ask our mutual friend and h...

On the front of my '80s-rocker costume (I simply called it - Craig on a Saturday night, because let's be honest - that's how I always dress on Saturdays) was a sign I created which said, "Hey baby, wanna be my groupie?" and on the back, I created a top ten list of groupie disqualifiers. Here they are: My Top Ten Groupie Disqualifiers 10) You've slept with one of the following people: Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlain, Mister Rogers or The Pope. 9) After sleeping with you, 94% of guys immediately look at you, begin to cry and then say, "I think I might be gay." 8) You think Kama (comma) Sutra is a kind of punctuation used in India.  7) You've been cordially greeted by multiple sumo wrestlers, as they feel you're one of them. 6) Debbie Downer is forced to take Prozac before, during and after speaking to you.  5) You have what is known as golf-enthusiast's Tourette's syndrome in the bedroom, as just before forn...

I had an interesting on Friday. I thought I was feeling better (I was wrong), so I headed out for a bit.  This REALLY drunk guy, Dick, asked this woman and I if we believed in God. I was thinking, "Ohhhh crap... Let's not do this."  The lady, Melissa, immediately said, "No." He asked her why and she said because there's no physical proof.  He asked me and I said, "I don't know. I don't believe anyone can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is or isn't a higher power."  I could tell he was bothered by what Melissa and I said, so I just said, "Alright. We have three different perspectives here - an atheist (Melissa), an agnostic (me) and a deist (Dick). Hooray for differences of opinion. Let's drink! Cheers!"  Nope, that didn't work. So Dick started preaching. He was so wasted. He was slurring, repeating himself, etc. He was talking about, "It's all about good and evil. There's good an...