The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Boyfriend Application Name: (Note: Nothing against people from the South, but if your first name includes a hyphen and the name Bob following the hyphen, you will not be eligible.) Age: (As long as you’re of legal age and not dead, you will not be disqualified.) Job: (If you don’t have a job, you won’t be getting any “jobs” from me, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, I have to wonder if you’re going to be the lead star of a sequel to “The 40-Year Old Virgin”.) Loyalty: (If Tiger Woods is more loyal than you, you will not be allowed within 100 yards of me and I highly recommend you get tested and remain abstinent for the rest of your days.) Intelligence: (The chances of you being smarter than me are very slim, so I’d say approximately 99% of men are eligible here.) Amiability: (If you’re meaner than Dick Cheney, I think we could probably make things work, but if you’re nicer than Mister Rogers, you’ll have to sing your songs and play with your trai...

Name: (Note: If your name is Halle Berry, you automatically qualify.) Age: (You must be between the ages of 18 and 87.) Job: (Strippers and prostitutes can qualify, politicians can not.) Criminal History: (As long as you never made an appearance on America’s Most Wanted, I won’t fret too much.) Education: (You must have passed kindergarten to be eligible.) Kids: (If you had octuplets at one time or named any of your children after one of Santa’s reindeer, you will be automatically disqualified. Also, it is of no relevance if your child has a red nose.) Appearance: (If you look like any of the following, you will be ahead of the game: Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn or Lance Bass.) Personality: (A great personality is a must, but if when describing you, friends ONLY mention your personality, then I’m afraid you’re out of luck.) Sense of humor: (If you can’t distinguish between sarcasm and seriousness, you will be bopped on the head with a s...