Breaking News: Donald Trump's Cognitive Test Revealed!

After bragging about a perfect 30 for 30 on his cognitive test, for the 4th time no less (120 for 120 for those scoring at home), I made it my mission to find this very test Donald Trump has reportedly aced (by himself, no less). Well, after some hard work, and paying raccoons to search for it at the bottom of dumpsters at Golden Corrals, here it is.

1. How old do you feel?

A. A number

B. Younger than Elvis

C. Could you repeat that?

D. Yes

2. 'Quad' means "4." Keeping that in mind, how many sides does a quadrilateral have?

A. 4

B. 1,096,233

C. 19,771,808,356

D. 867-5309

3. True or False, this is a True or False question?

A. True

B. False

C. Half-True

D. All of the Above

4. Oklahoma City is the capital city of what state?

A. Oklahoma

B. Sucklahoma

C. Not OK-lahoma

D. Mexico City

5. What was your answer to question #4?

A. B

B. D

C. A

D. C

6. If Sammy Hagar is driving 55 down the interstate, how fast is he driving?

A. 55

B. 56

C. 57

D. Van Halen

7. In what religion do you find 'nirvana?'

A. Buddhism

B. Hislam

C. Mountain Dewism

D. Foo Fighters

8. 'Brick red' is a shade of what color?

A. Democrat blue

B. Urine yellow

C. Anderson Cooper white

D. Red

9. What is 1 x 1 / 1 + 1 - 1?

A. 1

B. 11

C. 67

D. F

10. What is your current wife's name?

A. Melanie

B. Melania

C. Melanoma Head

D. #3

11. In science, what term is used to describe "an educated guess?"

A. Hypotenuse

B. Hypothalamus

C. Hypothesis

D. Hippopotamus

12. What does 'U.S.A.' stand for?

A. Understanding Sexual Analogies

B. Untied Spellers Anonymous

C. United States of America

D. Upper Southside Astronomers

13. 'Ursa Major' and 'Ursa Minor' are examples of what?

A. Bones in the rectum

B. Former twin prom dates

C. Potential degrees at Trump University

D. Constellations

14. "Joy to the World" is a song made famous by the band Three Dog Night. In it, who was a bullfrog?

A. Jeremiah

B. Zachariah

C. Jebediah

D. Hematoma

15. We've reached the halfway point of the test. To this point, how would you describe it?

A. Easy peasy melon squeezy

B. Harder than stealing a steel plate from the Pittsburgh Steelers in Steel Town

C. Like totally mid, man

D. What are you talking about? 15 is not half of 120.

16. Which one of the following is not a word?

A. Word

B. Words

C. Wordy

D. Aokoawnegkewlskgnlawengkwiialsndgwln

17. Which famous actor, whose name rhymes with 'Bomb Tanks,' played the character Forrest Gump in a film by the same name?

A. Tom Hanks

B. Tom Cruise

C. Tom & Jerry

D. Snoop Dogg

18. Can you answer this next question?

A. Yes

B. I cannot recall.

C. This is the most difficult question yet.

D. No, but yes, since I answered.

19. When doing the Hokey Pokey, you turn yourself what?

A. Around

B. In

C. On a dime

D. Into a flying, friendly ninja named Casper

20. Who was our first president?

A. George Washington

B. George Washington, D.C.

C. George Washington State

D. Denzel Washington

21. What is rain made of?

A. Water

B. Cats

C. Dogs

D. Trump Vodka

22. What do Trump Steaks and Dodo Birds have in common?

A. They're both endangered.

B. They're both extinct.

C. They're both birds.

D. They're both related to Larry Bird.

23. What fruit is largely responsible for the making of wine?

A. Grapes

B. African-American Berry

C. Impeach

D. Chicken

24. The year 1776 marks what special event in this country's history?

A. The founding of the United States

B. Dyslexic kids starting the 1-7 6-7 chant

C. The show, "Desperate Housewives of Thirteen Colonies with Free and Independent States"

D. Donald Trump's date of birth

25. Which is not a member of the group Spice Girls?

A. Ginger Spice

B. Posh Spice

C. Baby Spice

D. Old Spice

26. Do 'homo sapien' and 'homosexual' mean the same thing?

A. Yes, gay

B. Yes, super gay

C. Yes, homosexuals are like the most homo sapien people in the world.

D. No

27. What is your surname?

A. Trump

B. Trumpty Dumpty

C. Trumpanzee

D. Trumpelthinskin

28. In basketball, how much is a 3-point basket worth?

A. 1

B. 2

C. 3

D. Your mom

29. In the book "Moby Dick," which sea creature severed Captain Ahab's leg?

A. A Great White Shark

B. A Sperm Whale

C. A Great White Sperm Whale Shark

D. A Semen Whale

30. We've reached the end of the test.

A. That's correct.

B. Yes, and?

C. What's the question?

D. That's what she said.

Boycotting jukeboxes because of TouchTunes

I love music and enjoy hitting the bar(s) over the weekend, so naturally, when the mood strikes me, I've never been coy about playing some songs on the jukebox. This past Thursday, a friend of mine turned 50, so several friends of her's, including myself, all met up to celebrate the occasion. At around 9:30, a friend of mine and I both chipped in $5 to play some songs on the jukebox. Four hours and 231 skips later, we gave up on hearing the songs we had selected, and went home knowing we had just wasted $5. This wasn't the first time such a thing had happened to me (and many others), and due to that, I'll be boycotting jukeboxes. Why? The scam known as TouchTunes. You see, here's how the plot typically breaks down. A person (or group of people) downloads the TouchTunes app on his/her phone, consumes one too many adult beverages, and due to this, has less care for spending extra money to hear the songs of their choosing right NOW. That's the thing with TouchTun...

A closer look at the Scramble With Friends power-ups

I am unashamed to admit that I'm a nerd. My idea of a good time is playing a word game like Boggle or Scrabble. Thankfully, I (and many others) can play such games via Facebook and/or my (our) cell phone(s). While it seems that cheating has become more commonplace in these games (Words With Friends in particular) than San Diego has had nice weather, I've yet to give in to that craze. One element present with the game Scramble With Friends (Boggle) not present in Words With Friends (Scrabble) are legal boosts called "power-ups," which cost a number of tokens from the 15 available. I've now tried all five power-ups, including the latest one which costs money. So, in case anyone's curious about playing the game or giving these power-ups a gander, here's a rundown of them all: Freeze - I think this is probably my favorite of all the power-ups. With the freeze, time stands still for a matter of seconds, which allows you more time to find words and improve...

Face guarding is legal in college football and the NFL

I just wanted to remind fans and announcers especially, that face guarding is legal in both college football and the NFL. It all comes down to contact. So long as a defender doesn't make contact with an intended receiver, he doesn't have to turn around to play the ball. I can't tell you how many times every week I hear announcers talk about face guarding being a penalty. It's not. I even heard one announcer yesterday state, "If the defender doesn't turn around and play the ball, the ref will call pass interference every time." That's simply not true. Courtesy of referee Bill LeMonnier, he says this with regard to the rule at the college level (answered on 8/12/13): "NCAA rules on pass interference require the face guarding to have contact to be a foul. No contact, no foul by NCAA rules." In the NFL rule book, this is written: "Actions that constitute defensive pass interference include but are not limited to: (a) Contact by a ...

The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

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