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Donald Trump reads Hallmark cards to heal a wounded nation

Following the heat he faced for not calling out the white supremacists who marched at a Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend, President Donald Trump did so today in a half-assed manner while reading from a teleprompter. Yes, his words regarding the tragedy were to sincerity what rocket launchers were to Gandhi.

This is what I picture Trump thinking at the time of giving the speech: "Okay, act presidential, be sincere, be genu-, genu-, what's that word? Genubob or whatever. Alright, just remember. Read the words - racism is bad, racism is bad, racism is bad. Okay, thank you, my fellow Muricans. What do those words on the prompter say? Mm, racism is bad, okay? Bigly. Some people did some bad things over the weekend. Bad things are not good things. Don't do bad things that aren't good things. God bless you all and God bless the United States of Murica."

While he's at it, Trump might as well start reading Hallmark sympathy cards while speaking to the nation in the aftermath of a tragedy. Of course, he'd have to place his own little spin on them, as he so often does. Here's how I picture such a speech...

"My fellow Muricans,

What happened earlier today when the farmers' chickens crossed the road only to get hit by a bigly semi truck, I, I, I don't know what to say. Let me share with you some cards...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My heart goes out to you and your families. May God bless you and send his angels to give you comfort, strength, and sh*t like that.

May beautiful memories bring you a beautiful piece of ass during this difficult time. So sorry for your loss. I'm here for you always....on Twitter.

Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow, may looking back in memory help comfort you the day after today that rhymes with sorrow. What word is that? Whatever.

No words can describe how you feel. May you and your families know your well-being is being prayed for at this time, with deepest sympathy and love. I'm also playing for pay to pray. I mean, I'm paying for pray to play. No, that's not right either. I'm the smartest person in this room, believe me!

You're in my heart, thoughts, and loins at this time. I hope you always hold onto the warm and wonderful memories you shared together, and all of that good stuff.

In closing, I'd like to read you my favorite scripture from the Bible. It's in the book of Two Corinthians, chapter 13, verse 11. It says, 'Expressing heartfelt sympathy and offering a prayer, that God above will come and ease the loss of your bears.' Chickens are like bears, am I right? Well, anyway, I just want everyone to know these words came straight from the heart, like big league. God bless you and all and God bless the United States of Murica!"
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