Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 26: "A New Year For Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes' Hopes"
Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"
Episode 26: A New Year With Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes' Hopes
Premiere Date: 1/8/20
Length: 3:48 (421 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-new-year-with-hopes-dopes-and-dopes-hopes/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 26, entitled, “A New Year With Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes’ Hopes.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
As I mentioned in the previous episode, 2020 has gotten off to a bit of a rocky start, so like with that episode, I thought I’d try to keep the holiday season alive with another holiday-themed show. This time we’re going to travel back to New Year’s Eve.
Did you make any resolutions this year? Get a better job? Go back to school? Pay off debt? Lose weight? Get over stage-fright by singing “Tequila” after doing seven shots of Patron on karaoke night? Well, whatever it is, I thought it’d be fun to predict several GOPers’ resolutions.
Mike Pence: When he’s sleep-deprived, to stop calling his wife “mother-in-law.”
Melania Trump: To be even more best. #BeBester.
Sarah Huckabee-Sanders: To start her own reality show, “Dancing With the Sloths.”
Louie Gohmert: To go to space…to find his biological parents.
Matt Gaetz: To get tattooed to his hands and forehead the following message: “It’s 5 o’clock in my mouth.”
Doug Collins: To give up his act which onlookers have called “The Unintentional Norma Bates Impersonation.”
Lindsey Graham: To find mouthwash strong enough to counter an odor known as “Donald Trump’s penis.”
Geraldo Rivera: To ask John Bolton for ‘stache tips.
John Bolton: To provide Geraldo with said tips in exchange for 666 copies of his book.
Brett Kavanaugh: To trademark the phrase, “Don’t boof around the bush.”
Kellyanne Conway: To play the lead in her own show, “The Alternative Cryptkeeper.”
Steve King: To open a new store he calls, “Hoods ‘N’ Robes ‘R’ Us.”
Rush Limbaugh: To counter Democrats’ healthcare reform proposals with his own plan, “OxyCare For All.”
Jeff Sessions: To bake and sell his own cookies, which he calls, “Recall E.L. Fudge, I Do Not.”
Glenn Beck: To finally uncover the conspiracy theory which links Christ’s crucifixion to Colonel Sanders’ facial hair.
Meat Loaf: To further prove that even vegans can be meat-heads.
Stephen Miller: To join forces with Linda Blair in order to create “Rosemary’s Baby.”
Rudy Giuliani: To complete phase 3 of his species-change operation.
Donald Trump: To finally reach his version of nirvana, where he fully encapsulates the one, the only Stewie Griffin.
Susan Collins: To possibly come up with one next year.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Episode 26: A New Year With Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes' Hopes
Premiere Date: 1/8/20
Length: 3:48 (421 words)
Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/a-new-year-with-hopes-dopes-and-dopes-hopes/
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 26, entitled, “A New Year With Hopes, Dopes, and Dopes’ Hopes.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
As I mentioned in the previous episode, 2020 has gotten off to a bit of a rocky start, so like with that episode, I thought I’d try to keep the holiday season alive with another holiday-themed show. This time we’re going to travel back to New Year’s Eve.
Did you make any resolutions this year? Get a better job? Go back to school? Pay off debt? Lose weight? Get over stage-fright by singing “Tequila” after doing seven shots of Patron on karaoke night? Well, whatever it is, I thought it’d be fun to predict several GOPers’ resolutions.
Mike Pence: When he’s sleep-deprived, to stop calling his wife “mother-in-law.”
Melania Trump: To be even more best. #BeBester.
Sarah Huckabee-Sanders: To start her own reality show, “Dancing With the Sloths.”
Louie Gohmert: To go to space…to find his biological parents.
Matt Gaetz: To get tattooed to his hands and forehead the following message: “It’s 5 o’clock in my mouth.”
Doug Collins: To give up his act which onlookers have called “The Unintentional Norma Bates Impersonation.”
Lindsey Graham: To find mouthwash strong enough to counter an odor known as “Donald Trump’s penis.”
Geraldo Rivera: To ask John Bolton for ‘stache tips.
John Bolton: To provide Geraldo with said tips in exchange for 666 copies of his book.
Brett Kavanaugh: To trademark the phrase, “Don’t boof around the bush.”
Kellyanne Conway: To play the lead in her own show, “The Alternative Cryptkeeper.”
Steve King: To open a new store he calls, “Hoods ‘N’ Robes ‘R’ Us.”
Rush Limbaugh: To counter Democrats’ healthcare reform proposals with his own plan, “OxyCare For All.”
Jeff Sessions: To bake and sell his own cookies, which he calls, “Recall E.L. Fudge, I Do Not.”
Glenn Beck: To finally uncover the conspiracy theory which links Christ’s crucifixion to Colonel Sanders’ facial hair.
Meat Loaf: To further prove that even vegans can be meat-heads.
Stephen Miller: To join forces with Linda Blair in order to create “Rosemary’s Baby.”
Rudy Giuliani: To complete phase 3 of his species-change operation.
Donald Trump: To finally reach his version of nirvana, where he fully encapsulates the one, the only Stewie Griffin.
Susan Collins: To possibly come up with one next year.
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, check me out on PodBean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogpsot. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
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