The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

Over six years after he left the Oval Office, former President George W. Bush's private emails have finally been released. Unfortunately, upon reading them, no one in the media outside of most at Fox News were able to understand them, so many other members of the media called on first graders to help them translate the messages. Here are just a few of the former president's emails: - "I wunder what Billy meant when he asked what 'is' was... What is 'is'? Is 'is' even a word? Heck if I know!" - "Read good? Reading gooder is my middle name!" - "The U.S. is the best continent in the world! Isn't that an airline? Continent Airlines?"  "What's red, white, and blue? Give up? Yeah, me too." - "Ful me once, ful me twice, ful me three times, ful me seven times, ful me, wait, where was I?" - "Is 21 less then, greater then, or equal two 974? I don't know! I hate these kinds of stupid q...

Know anyone who always seems to expect the worst in just about any and every given situation? I have a feeling most everyone has at least one close friend or family member that's like this. Well, like most other people (I have to imagine), I know someone like this as well, and it just seems to get worse with age. It usually involves health worries, but can involve other areas of life as well. Here are just a few examples I've heard over the past couple of years: Me: "My right big toe hurts." Them: "I hope it's not gout." Me: "No, I think it was due to an intense workout yesterday." Me: "My right hand is sore today." Them: "I hope it's not carpal tunnel." Me: "No, I just think I slept on it funny." Me: "I think I strained a groin muscle the other day." Them: "Hernias run in your family, you know..." Me: "No, it's not that. I probably overdid it...

As I noted a few days ago, I turned 34-years-old last Saturday, and as I also noted, contrary to popular belief (or wishful thinking), I don't feel 24-years-old anymore. When I was out one night last weekend, I was asked, "So, do you feel a year older?" This seems to be quite the common question whenever a person celebrates their birthday, especially after they reach the age of 30 or so. Another common question is asked by the person celebrating his or her birthday, which is, "Do I look a year older?" Whenever these questions arise, I want to get into the following back-and-forth, because they don't make a whole lot of sense when one thinks about them: Dexter Shotsonthehouse: "So, it's your birthday, is it?" Me: "Yeah, it is" Dexter: "How old are you?" Me: "34" Dexter: "So, do you feel it now? Do you feel a year older?" Me: "I feel a day older than I did yesterday." Dexter: ...

Anti-vaxxers, or the community against vaccinations, are apparently about to start fighting for another cause, as anti-vaxxer Elizabeth Insanity told the world of YouTube, or YouTubers, yesterday via a short video clip. In the video, Ms. Insanity said this: "I think it's safe to say that, given the measles outbreak and everything, we are winning the fight against pro-vaxxers and their evil vaccinations! Now it's time for us to further spread our wisdom! What's the one thing we all know to be more dangerous than vaccinations? Toothpaste! I read a blog one time by an author named Satire, who wrote just one sourceless sentence, but that was solid enough proof for me, as it should be for everyone! He wrote, and I quote, 'Toothpaste causes intellectual disability.' At first I was like, 'What? Who does this Satire guy really think he is?' But then I got to thinking about what he said and it just makes sense! When you're brushing your teeth or afterwar...

I'm growing a little tired of the phrase, "There are two sides to every debate," because it's simply not true and needs to stop being treated as such. Granted, at one time, there may have been two sides to every debate, yet it's foolish to think that what we debated 1,500 years ago should still be debated today. There was once debate on whether the earth was flat or round. That debate's now over. There's absolutely no point in further debating the matter. The issue was talked about at length for years and once the facts came in, it became clear that the earth was indeed round. So it'd be absolutely foolish for CNN to give equal airtime to a person whom accurately states that the earth is round and a person whom incorrectly states that the earth is flat. That's perhaps the biggest problem with regard to the there-are-two-sides-to-every-debate theory - most "news" networks feel it's necessary to provide equal time to both sides of a...

I feel sorry for women named Karma. Besides the Culture Club song, "Karma Chameleon," what do most people associate with the word "karma"? Or more specifically, what is the most common thing people say with regard to the word? "Karma's a bitch." I can just imagine the following dialogue occurring where one of the two participants is unaware that the other knows a woman by the name of Karma. Setting: A bar by the name of AAWA (Alcoholics After Work Anonymous) Jonathan Slushy: "Can you believe what happened at work today? I mean, what were the odds that right after Chad got off the phone angry, he'd throw his stapler at the door and it'd hit Billy right smack dab on the forehead as he opened the door at just the right, or I guess wrong time?" Alexander Bourbon: "Well, you did hear Billy accidentally ran over Chad's pet hamster, right?" Jonathan: "Really? What in the world was Chad's hamster doing on the ro...

Billionaire Johann Jimmy John took to the streets this past weekend with a Bible in one hand and a sign which read, "Our freedoms are gone which is why I don't have the freedom to do this," in the other, to, as he put it in his discussion with us afterwards, "Be the toughest freedom fighter the world has ever known!" When I asked Mr. Jimmy John what the ultimate message with his protest was for the country, here's what he said in response: "As a white Christian straight male billionaire, I feel like my rights are going out the window one by one, day after day. Muslims can now worship here. Guys can marry guys. Women can work outside the home. Some blacks can vote. I mean, what in the world is going on here? What happened to the days when I knew where my place was and knew what to expect of everyone else? The days when women would have dinner ready by the time us guys got home from work and they'd spread their legs for a 20-second dessert afterwa...

In an odd move made by the Republican Party, following Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's speech to Congress on Tuesday, House Speaker John Boehner made the following announcement: "This speech, this day will go down in the history books, because on this day we finally discovered who our real president is, and that's my friend, Bibi Netanyahu!" The announcement came a little over six years after President Barack Obama was sworn into the Oval Office and a little over three minutes after a Republican had last said, "We all know you're from Kenya, Obama! Show us your birth certificate again! The real one this time and not all those fake other ones!" Nationwide, Republicans applauded the big announcement, with some of the better known ones saying this:  - "Bibi is a type of gun and I like guns, so I like Bibi Netanyahu." - musician Ted Nugent - "I've said it before and I'll say it again, Barack Obama doesn...

Whenever someone says that the United States was founded on Christian values, I have to wonder if they've ever read the Bible (or the Constitution for that matter). In the Bible, there's this thing called the Ten Commandments. These Commandments include things like: Don't sleep with others' wives, don't worship other people or things, don't kill people, oh yeah, and don't steal. Die-hard Christian conservative: "This country was founded on Christian values!" Me: "How was it founded again?" Die-hard Christian conservative: "By stealing it from the Indians!" Me: "What about that 'Thou shalt not steal' bit in the Bible?" Die-hard Christian conservative: "Yeah, so? What's your point?" Me: "So, this country was founded on Christian values, yet it was founded by going against one of the Bible's Ten Commandments by stealing it from other people; is that correct?" Die-hard Chri...

So, I turned 34 on Saturday. In the days following, I've pondered about several things as is often the case when we approach this time of year: - Where in the world did these past four years go? - Am I really only six years away from turning 40? - Why does my 21st birthday seem so long ago? Was it really 13 years ago? - I can't possibly be thinking about using Just For Men Original Formula to remove some white from my hair, can I? - Why is it people remove ten years from a person's age and will say "50 is the new 40" or "110 is the new 100"? Does that mean 34 is the new 24? Really? There are days and weeks that just don't seem to end, yet there are also years that seem to pass us by at the speed of light, where we have to think back and wonder where the time went. This has happened to me in recent years. I can remember moving from Omaha, Nebraska to central Ohio approximately 7 years ago. I was 27, through with college, drifting apart fro...

Here's the URL to my Facebook business page. I update it fairly regularly, but still haven't put forth a great deal of effort yet in researching matters and attempting to make the most out of it. In any case, it can be perused here: http://www.facebook.com/AuthorCraigRozniecki?ref=hl Up next is my Twitter page. I'm still not 100% certain what I'm doing on there yet, but feel I'm gradually getting the hang of it and am up to 17,735 followers. I update it daily with many of my own tweets, but also by retweeting some others'. It can be found here: https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki Lastly, here's my Tumblr page, which I've neglected quite a bit recently, but if you're at all curious, you can find it at the following link: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/rozzy81

For new readers (and regular ones, I suppose), here's some information pertaining to my books. All twelve of my books can be purchased in paperback form at the following site (and others): http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?type=&keyWords=craig+rozniecki&x=7&y=5&sitesearch=lulu.com&q= The ten books I've written and released in the past 4 years (yes, I've been on a roll) can be purchased for much cheaper in Kindle form at the following link: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_22?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=craig%20rozniecki%20kindle&sprefix=craig+rozniecki+kindle%2Caps%2C228&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Acraig%20rozniecki%20kindle

For some reason, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has been rising in the polls of possible GOP presidential candidates for the 2016 election. However, one has to wonder if that momentum will swing in the other direction after a comment he made at the Conservative Political Action Conference yesterday. When being asked about how he'd handle the terrorist group ISIS, Walker responded with this: "If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the globe." Yes, taking on 100,000 peaceful progressive protesters is the same thing as taking on the terrorist group ISIS... After receiving immediate backlash for his absurd comparison, Walker responded by saying this: "You all will misconstrue things the way you see fit, but I think it's pretty clear, that's the closest thing I have in terms of handling a difficult situation, not that there's any parallel between the two." Either Scott Walker is an idiot or he thinks the rest of us are ...

I'm amazed by what Vanderbilt head basketball coach Kevin Stallings yelled at one of his players following the team's 73-65 victory over Tennessee on Thursday night, but am even more amazed by the majority of people's reactions to the situation (commentators on websites anyhow). As Stallings was shaking hands with his opponent after the game, a Tennessee staff member informed the Vanderbilt head coach about one of his players, Wade Baldwin IV, clapping in the face of Tennessee forward Armani Moore after the Commodores sealed their victory. Kevin Stallings then went up to his player and angrily yelled, "I'm going to f**king kill you!" This occurred in front of most everybody holding a camera, so after the inevitable backlash, Stallings told ESPN the following: "I handled it completely inappropriately and I apologized to Wade -- and I need to apologize to our fans and the Vanderbilt administration. Having said that, and it may seem as though I'm...

After its first week, I gave The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore a B+ grade. While I didn't think the show appeared to be perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I also liked the Daily Show  meets Politically Incorrect vibe I got from it, and thought, with the proper adjustments, the show would indeed provide a great fill-in for The Colbert Report . In the show's succeeding weeks, however, I've been less impressed by it and think that if it doesn't make certain adjustments, it could be in jeopardy of losing many long-time viewers of the show's time slot. One major issue I think the show's had to this point is a lack of direction. It's been unable to decide whether it wants to be a comedy show with serious conversation sprinkled in or a serious show with comedy sprinkled in. It's almost as if the show's writers want to give The Nightly Show a Real Time with Bill Maher feel. The problem with that idea or format is the fact Real Time is an hour lon...

For whatever reason, whenever I hear the name Liam Neeson in a movie trailer, the name Leslie Nielsen springs to mind. This got me wondering how the two actors would have played some of the other's better known roles. Here are three possibilities: Airplane! Dr. Rumack (played by Liam Neeson): "Can you fly this plane, and land it?" Ted Striker: "Surely you can't be serious." Dr. Rumack: "I'm always serious... and what the hell did you just call me?" The Naked Gun Jane Spencer: "I've heard police work is dangerous." Lieutenant Frank Drebin (played by Liam Neeson): "It is. That's why I carry a big gun." Jane: "Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?" Frank: "I used to have that problem." Jane: "What did you do about it?" Frank: "Kicked the crap out of people, well, and Viagra" Taken Bryan Mills (played by Leslie Nielsen): "I don't k...

In a move that shocked conservatives all across the country, after attending a Bible reading which was made mandatory through legislation backed by the Republican majority in both the House and the Senate, the Republican Party has decided to renounce Jesus. Realizing the inevitable backlash from supporters that the party was going to receive, the Republican National Committee mailed a letter to every registered voter, which said this: "Dear patriot, As sad as we are to say this as Republicans, we can no longer call ourselves the party of God, faith, or religion. After attending a Bible reading, we realized Jesus' teachings and beliefs aren't in line with our own and have decided to renounce him. We just ask that you still trust us, give us money, vote for us, and regardless of how our actions may showcase otherwise, believe us when we declare to the world that we're Christians. God bless you all and God bless you the United States of America. Sincerely, RNC...

I just entered a bar by the name of WTF last night when Brian Williams and Bill O'Reilly were about to leave, but were accused by the bartender of not paying their tabs, and the following discussion ensued: Bartender Don Juantopissmeoff: "WTF?" Bill O'Reilly: "You gotta problem, putz?" Brian Williams: "Were you talking to us?" Juantopissmeoff: "Yeah! You guys didn't pay your tabs! WTF?" Williams: "Really? I must've forgot. I'm terribly sorry. Here you are, and please, keep the change. I promise to not come back in here for six months." O'Reilly (to Williams): "Pansy!" Juantopissmeoff: "Okay, he's taken care of. Now what about you? Where's my money?" O'Reilly: "You wanna go?!? You wanna piece of this?!? I'll take you down like I took all those others down, with my two fists I call 'MC' and 'Hammer'!" Juantopissmeoff: "Seriously? W...

After seeing the results from a recent Public Policy Polling (PPP) poll of Republican primary voters, I have to now beg the question, "What exactly does the Constitution mean to many self-described 'Constitutional' conservatives?" According to this national poll, 57% of these voters support "establishing Christianity as the national religion," even though the First Amendment of the Constitution plainly states that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion." How does that work exactly? Coyote Blitzer: "So, how would you describe yourself politically? Would you say you're a conservative, a liberal, a moderate?" Anthony Baloney: "I'm a Constitutional conservative through and through, like most of my GOP and Tea Party brethren." Blitzer: "But it says here that you would support a measure making Christianity the national religion of this country; is that true?" Baloney: "Ye...

For his fifth installment in the Killing... series, Fox News host Bill O'Reilly will follow up Killing Lincoln , Killing Kennedy , Killing Jesus , and Killing Patton  with an autobiography entitled, Killing Journalism . When asked to comment about his soon-to-be-released book, O'Reilly said, "Look, if anybody's going to be fair and balanced about all the lies they've told the American public while being trusted as an on-air news personality and journalist or whatever, that person's going to be me. You gotta problem with that?" Fortunately, we were afforded a sneak peak of Killing Journalism . Here is a list of our favorite quotes from the inevitable best-seller (whether they're actually true or not is anyone's guess): - "Witnesses?!? Why do I need any fricking witnesses?!? I saw what happened and that's all that matters, so shut up already, son!" - "Sources?!? You want sources?!? Here, I've got a source for yo...