An excerpt from my book, "The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s: Vol. 2" (Cosmo knows how to give sex advice like yes-men know how to say no)
Cosmo knows how to give sex advice like yes-men know how to say no (on pages 172-174 in The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s: Volume 2 - The Wisecracks Continue... #'s in parentheses indicate footnotes)
I have a hunch many whom failed out of college trying to become shrinks wound up writing for Cosmopolitan magazine. Whenever a woman tells me about some advice she read in Cosmo, roughly 88.9% of the time I shake my head, cringe, and say, "Somebody's going to wind up in a hospital."
Here are a few such examples provided by the lovely world of Cosmo:
Advice: "Give his wiener an Indian burn."(182)
Yes, next to rug burns and fire burns, Indian burns are men's favorite kind of burns on their wieners.
On the made-up adult version of Family Feud, when guys were asked the question, "What can a woman do with your penis that turns you on the most?" these were the top answers:
5. Look at it with a pair of horny eyes
4. Stroke it the way Clarence Carter was singing about
3. Suck it like women from the porno Blown Away
2. Ride it like Heath Ledger on a horse in Brokeback Mountain
1. An Indian burn
Advice: "Yank his crotch hair."(183)
My reaction: Know how fun it is to rip a band-aid off your leg and yank some hair out with it? Well, according to Cosmo, that kind of thing is twice as nice around a guy's crotch! Remember how Steve Carrel acted when he had his chest-hair waxed in The 40-Year-Old Virgin? He'd be yelling seven times as loud if that were done around his manhood. Instead of yelling out random things, such as, "Kelly Clarkson," he'd be yelling the following:(184)
- "Ow! Am I bleeding? Like you this time of the month? Wait - that didn't come out right! I take that back! Ow - not again!"
- "What in the Virgin Islands did I ever do to you?"
- "Okay - I'll shave! Stop! Please, stop!"
- "I promise I'll never cheat on you again! I mean, I love you! You're going to pull harder now, aren't you? Crap!"
- "I think, I think you just broke my penis!"
Advice: "Shake his nuts like you're playing Yahtzee."(185)
My reaction: Unless this is Air-Yahtzee, I'm not thinking that's a good idea. Never in my life have I heard about a couple messing around, where the following happens:
Craig Cray: "Ooh, that feels good. You know what would make it feel even better?"
Dita Ditz: "What's that, sweetie?"
Craig: "Shake my nuts! Shake them! Harder! Harder! Like you're playing a nationwide Yahtzee tournament and you're down to the last roll in the finals! Come on! Harder! Yes! I love it when you make my balls hurt so much, I can't feel them!"
Dita: "Wow… Was that good?"
Craig: "Yeah - can you grab me an ice pack? Thanks."
(182) Anthony Weiner?
(183) Right… Some guys tell women, “Hey! Don’t touch the hair! Oh, my crotch hair? Yeah - yank that as hard as you can!”
(184) It would even make mimes yell…
(185) Hmm… How do you win this game exactly? Also, when that occurs, does the woman then yell out, “Yahtzee” while the guy is screaming other things?
(The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s: Volume 2 - The Wisecracks Continue can be viewed and purchased on paperback at http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/the-kind-hearted-smartass-volume-2-the-wisecracks-continue-uncensored-version/paperback/product-21574154.html, and can be viewed and purchased on Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/The-Kind-Hearted-Smartass-Wisecracks-Uncensored/dp/1312063025/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1402334790&sr=8-4&keywords=craig+rozniecki)
I have a hunch many whom failed out of college trying to become shrinks wound up writing for Cosmopolitan magazine. Whenever a woman tells me about some advice she read in Cosmo, roughly 88.9% of the time I shake my head, cringe, and say, "Somebody's going to wind up in a hospital."
Here are a few such examples provided by the lovely world of Cosmo:
Advice: "Give his wiener an Indian burn."(182)
Yes, next to rug burns and fire burns, Indian burns are men's favorite kind of burns on their wieners.
On the made-up adult version of Family Feud, when guys were asked the question, "What can a woman do with your penis that turns you on the most?" these were the top answers:
5. Look at it with a pair of horny eyes
4. Stroke it the way Clarence Carter was singing about
3. Suck it like women from the porno Blown Away
2. Ride it like Heath Ledger on a horse in Brokeback Mountain
1. An Indian burn
Advice: "Yank his crotch hair."(183)
My reaction: Know how fun it is to rip a band-aid off your leg and yank some hair out with it? Well, according to Cosmo, that kind of thing is twice as nice around a guy's crotch! Remember how Steve Carrel acted when he had his chest-hair waxed in The 40-Year-Old Virgin? He'd be yelling seven times as loud if that were done around his manhood. Instead of yelling out random things, such as, "Kelly Clarkson," he'd be yelling the following:(184)
- "Ow! Am I bleeding? Like you this time of the month? Wait - that didn't come out right! I take that back! Ow - not again!"
- "What in the Virgin Islands did I ever do to you?"
- "Okay - I'll shave! Stop! Please, stop!"
- "I promise I'll never cheat on you again! I mean, I love you! You're going to pull harder now, aren't you? Crap!"
- "I think, I think you just broke my penis!"
Advice: "Shake his nuts like you're playing Yahtzee."(185)
My reaction: Unless this is Air-Yahtzee, I'm not thinking that's a good idea. Never in my life have I heard about a couple messing around, where the following happens:
Craig Cray: "Ooh, that feels good. You know what would make it feel even better?"
Dita Ditz: "What's that, sweetie?"
Craig: "Shake my nuts! Shake them! Harder! Harder! Like you're playing a nationwide Yahtzee tournament and you're down to the last roll in the finals! Come on! Harder! Yes! I love it when you make my balls hurt so much, I can't feel them!"
Dita: "Wow… Was that good?"
Craig: "Yeah - can you grab me an ice pack? Thanks."
(182) Anthony Weiner?
(183) Right… Some guys tell women, “Hey! Don’t touch the hair! Oh, my crotch hair? Yeah - yank that as hard as you can!”
(184) It would even make mimes yell…
(185) Hmm… How do you win this game exactly? Also, when that occurs, does the woman then yell out, “Yahtzee” while the guy is screaming other things?
(The Kind-Hearted Smarta*s: Volume 2 - The Wisecracks Continue can be viewed and purchased on paperback at http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/the-kind-hearted-smartass-volume-2-the-wisecracks-continue-uncensored-version/paperback/product-21574154.html, and can be viewed and purchased on Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/The-Kind-Hearted-Smartass-Wisecracks-Uncensored/dp/1312063025/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1402334790&sr=8-4&keywords=craig+rozniecki)
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