What I learned in Week 7 of the NFL season...

In Week 7 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ...all Cincinnati Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton wants for Christmas is a new identity.

- ...a Doug Pederson victory guarantee is worth about as much as a Norm Peterson tab.

-- ..., if Nick Bosa ever runs for president, his slogan will inevitably be, "Make Slip 'N' Sliding On Wet Grass Great Again."

- ...New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton could be told he couldn't use flour or yeast in a pizza bake-off and still win the competition.

- ...New York Giants rookie quarterback Daniel Jones, nicknamed "Danny Dimes" by his teammates after his first game, is now being nicknamed by opponents as "Danny Ducks."

- ...AARP President Matt Schaub is still playing. Seriously, who knew?!?

- ..., in spirit, former Cardinals head coach Denny Green is repeatedly shouting, "We are not as bad as they thought we were!"

- ...Los Angeles Chargers tailback Melvin Gordon's horoscope was actually accurate this past week, as it read, "Down 3 late against the Ryan Tannehill-led Tennessee Titans, you'll have two touchdowns called back, before fumbling away the game. Tomorrow: Get beyond shit-faced."

- ..., wanting to not finish alongside Detroit and Cleveland at 0-16 for a season, Miami Dolphins head coach Brian Flores is asking Commissioner Roger Goodell to permit his team to schedule the only team they could potentially beat in a 17th regular season game - Rutgers.

- ..., while monkeys like throwing poo, zebras like throwing flags.