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What I learned in Week 13 of the NFL season

In Week 13 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ..., no matter how well they may play through three quarters, by the end of the game, the Detroit Lions always look like a turkey.

- ..., regardless of how many pencils he has attached to his head, Matt Patricia looks about as smart as a crash test dummy in a smart-car, going straight ahead toward a hummer on the Audubon.

- ...the Dallas Cowboys have been diagnosed with Garrettitis, as they have a seeming inability to beat teams with winning records.

- ..., fortunately for the Cowboys, the Philadelphia Eagles have been diagnosed with Garrettitis Minus One, as they always seem to be a step back of their NFC East rival.

- ...Freddie Kitchens secretly wears a t-shirt, that he shows off on Instagram, which reads, "I wish Myles Garrett bopped more Steelers on the head with their helmets."

- ...the AARP Patriots are the best team in nursing home history.

- ..., at grocery stores in Indianapolis, in addition to selling eggs at a baker's dozen, they'll now be selling them at a Vinatieri's dozen, or 14, as that's how many kicks he's missed so far this year.

- ..., if you're winless, play the Jets. First it was the Dolphins. Then it was the Bengals. Hey, 0-12 Akron, now it's your turn.

- ..., survival tip #1: Never step in the path of a train which goes by the name of Derrick Henry.

- ..., while I'm not much for praying, after seeing Russell Wilson mic'd up on Monday Night Football, I pray the guy never goes into stand-up. Here's how I envision he'd start his routine: "How's it going, New York? I said, how's it going? Come on! Let's go! Let's go! Clap! Clap! Clap! Let's go! Whooooo!"
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