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Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 69: "To: Russia, With Love," is now available!

 Podcast: "I Feel Snitty"

Episode 69: To: Russia, With Love

Premiere Date: 8/29/20

Length: 8:04 (1,084 words)

Link: https://ifeelsnitty.podbean.com/e/to-russia-with-love-1598716059/

Transcript: 

Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 69, entitled, “To: Russia, With Love.” I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.

 

The latest Senate Intelligence Report regarding 2016 election interference was released this past week. What was concluded? Oh, just that Donald Trump did in fact conspire with Russia to interfere in the election. Unless you’re part of the Trump cult, however, you already knew this, so I’m going to focus attention on another portion of the report.

 

It appears as though Donald Trump has been whacking off to Vladimir Putin’s pictures for quite a while now. A couple of letters Trump wrote to Putin were released by the committee. They read:

- 2007: “Congratulations on being named Time magazine’s ‘Man of the Year’ – you definitely deserve it.  As you have probably heard, I’m a big fan of yours! Take care of yourself. With best wishes, Sincerely, Donald J. Trump.” He made sure to underline the words “I am a big fan of yours!”

- 2013: “I hope you have heard by now the exciting news that we are bringing the Miss Universe 2013 Pageant to Russia for the first time in the 62 year history of the Pageant. We will partner with Crocus Group and Aras Agalarov to stage the event on November 9th at Crocus City Hall. The Miss Universe Pageant is watched by over 1 billion people worldwide and is one of the most watched TV shows anywhere in the world. I know that our Moscow pageant will be our biggest and best Miss Universe ever, and we are already overwhelmed with a very positive and extensive response from both international and Russian media. We turned down many other competing countries in favor of Russia. I want to take this opportunity to personally invite you to be my guest of honor in Moscow on November 9th. I know you will have a great time. I look forward to seeing you. With best wishes, Sincerely, Donald J. Trump.” This time he underlined the words “I look forward to seeing you.”

Just a week prior to this second letter, Trump had posted the tweet, “Do you think Putin will be going to the Miss Universe pageant in November in Moscow? If so, will he become my new best friend?”

 

So, given these revelations, I thought I’d reveal the contents of a few other letters Donald Trump has sent Vladimir Putin over the years. This is exclusive, breaking news here. I am the only one who has seen these letters, because I made them up myself.

 

12/18/2008

 

Dear Vlady:

 

I see that loser Obama won Person of the Year. So unfair. Should have been you again, bigly. Just so you know, every morning when I wake up, you’re my person of the year. You’re the person of the year every day as far as I’m concerned. What I’m trying to say is, if there was a different person of the year every day, you’d be it, every day, for the entire year. Sincerely yours, Donnie.

 

 

10/7/2012

 

Dear Puty:

 

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Puty. Happy birthday to you.

 

Haven’t heard from you in a while. I hope everything’s okay and that you liked my gift. I thought flowers, teddy bears, and chocolates were the thing. Anyway, please get back to me when you get the chance. I miss you. Always yours, Donnie.

 

 

1/21/2016

 

Dear my one and only President:

 

Hi.

 

 

1/22/2016

 

Dear President VP:

 

Just took a massive shit; feel like a weight’s been lifted off my shoulders; and wanted to come clean about some things. Oh, this will have to wait. The golden throne is calling my name again. I knew I shouldn’t have drunk that cup of water earlier! Be back soon. Love, Your Donnie.

 

 

1/22/2016

 

Dear Russian Hunk:

 

Roses are red,

Violets are blue. Well, they’re kind of blue, but aren’t they purple? I mean, what color are they really? This is the part I never got of this poem deal. It’s like that Shackspear dude said in “Helmet,” “Is it blue or isn’t it blue – that’s the question thing.” Okay, where was I?

 

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Like buckets of KFC,

I can’t quit you.

 

Forever yours, Donald J. Trump.

 

 

8/16/2020

 

Dear my Put and Savior:

 

I’m in deep doo-doo and need your help again. Many people are saying Sleepy Joe is gonna beat me. If that happens, the SDNY people are going to put me in prison, and while I know I look pretty good for my age and everything, I’m not 73 anymore, you know? I don’t want to spend half my life in jail. Also, my dear 3rd wife, Melanie, is going to divorce my ass if I lose. So, I was wondering, if I lose like many are saying, could I come stay there? …and you know how you said you guys have the best hookers? Could you set me up with one of them to become wife #4? Maybe one of the ones we paid to pee on each other that one time. They were pretty hot. …and wet. …from each other’s pee. Anyway, please help. I’m desperate. XOXOXO, The Donald.

 

 

8/16/2020

 

I left something out of the last letter. I meant to say I’d like you to set me up with a golden-showers hooker, only if you don’t want to be her. What I mean is I’d like to see you and another woman pee on each other. Not that you’re a woman. What I’m saying is, if you ever want me to be your horse and ride me with your shirt off, I’ll always be up for it. But no, not like that. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, and I’m not saying you are. Okay, I think I made myself clear. I love you.

 

 

8/23/2020

 

Dear Greatest President in History:

 

I just gave a speech tonight that may win me the election. I talked about how plasma TVs can cure COVID and I think it’s gonna be a hit. We’re polling really well now in Oklahoma, West Virginia, and some place called Wyoming. Still, though, I think we should meet before the November 5th election, just in case this three-state strategery doesn’t work out. Make Russia Great Again. Your Servant, Donald Trump.

 

That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.

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