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What I learned in Week 17 of the NFL season

In Week 17 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ..., if playwright Edward Albee were still alive, he'd likely write, "Who's Afraid of John Wolford?"

- ..., if you breathe within 6' of Kirk Cousins, you'll be flagged for roughing the passer.

- ...Jon Gruden is a much more imposing figure when he resembles the beer-belly rendition of the Chucky doll.

- ...the Cleveland Browns hands team knows only one play - what they call the Heart Attack Induction.

- ..., if you want to make-a-wish to score a touchdown in an NFL game, it doesn't matter who you are, just line up behind the Baltimore Ravens o-line and face the Cincinnati Bungles.

- ...the Miami rookie quarterback was nicknamed "Tua Tackle, Vailoa!," for he threw so many picks, coaches constantly yelled at him to tackle the defender with the ball.

- ...those Chuck Norris memes are so 2010 and need to be replaced with ones featuring Derrick Henry. Unlike with Norris, though, the Henry "jokes" will all be true.

- ...Gardner Minshew will have the most serious job in the league next season - teaching future Jaguar Trevor Lawrence how to grow a mustache.

- ..."SNL" should run a classic George Wendt-led segment, where another Bears fan drunkenly blurts, "Who lost the last game of the regular season and were able to sneak into the playoffs because some Cardinals forgot how to fly? Da Bears!"

- ...Kirk Cousins shall forever be known as "Puffs Ultra," for he's the softest quarterback in the league.

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