The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

I feel sorry for women named Karma. Besides the Culture Club song, "Karma Chameleon," what do most people associate with the word "karma"? Or more specifically, what is the most common thing people say with regard to the word? "Karma's a bitch." I can just imagine the following dialogue occurring where one of the two participants is unaware that the other knows a woman by the name of Karma. Setting: A bar by the name of AAWA (Alcoholics After Work Anonymous) Jonathan Slushy: "Can you believe what happened at work today? I mean, what were the odds that right after Chad got off the phone angry, he'd throw his stapler at the door and it'd hit Billy right smack dab on the forehead as he opened the door at just the right, or I guess wrong time?" Alexander Bourbon: "Well, you did hear Billy accidentally ran over Chad's pet hamster, right?" Jonathan: "Really? What in the world was Chad's hamster doing on the ro...

While I care as much/little about who the Cardinals (not those swinging bats in St. Louis) chose to be the new Pope as I do about who Justin Bieber is dating and whether or not his date is inflatable, I will be the first to admit that the word "Pope" is a fun one. So, given that, here are ten Pope-ish ideas for the future: 10. The Pope Show - Based off the Marilyn Manson song "The Dope Show," the shock rocker will sport the mitre he's worn in music videos and concerts alike to make the Pope rock harder than Moses in a Coldplay video! 9. Corn Popes - There's nothing quite like cereal named after the Pope. If you thought the regular Corn Pops were delicious, just wait until you try Corn Popes! They're delicious, nutritious, and help guys get all the b**ches! 8. Soda Pope - Nothing screams caffeine like soda in the Pope's name! Whenever someone mentions the Pope, the first thing that springs to mind is a young, bubbly person, full of energy and l...

Due to my love of language, ambiguity and sarcasm, whenever I hear certain advertising slogans while watching television or listening to the radio, my mind begins to race and I immediately laugh, as I intentionally misinterpret the slogans to mean something completely different than what they were intended to express. Following will be some of those very slogans and my responses to them (…as if the television were actually speaking to me. Yes, I have a few problems. I need to make some friends.). [1] Double your pleasure. Double your fun. (Doublemint gum) Yes, because when I think about doubling my pleasure and fun, gum is the first thing that crosses my mind. Horatio: “Dude, I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun! This weed is incredible!” Carl: “One sec.” Horatio: “What are you doing?” Carl: “Here you go.” Horatio: “What’s this?” Carl: “Doublemint gum, of course.” How do you spell relief? (Rolaids) Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Relief. R-E-L-I-E-F. Relief. Just d...