The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

After Donald Trump erroneously claimed he would have disarmed the Parkland, Florida school shooter with his bare hands had he been there, I thought I'd have some fun with some other potential Donald Trump never-would-ever-happen quotes. Here they are... The Top Ten Donald Trump Denialist Quotes 10. "If I had been in Jina when they were about to invent the global warming hoax, I would have said, 'Hey, Jiiina! Cool it!,' and that would have been the end of it, folks." 9. "In the Civil War, I woulda beaten both sides with my bare hands." 8. "Darth Vader woulda died in the opening scene of Star Wars if I had been in it. I'm just sayin'. I'm just sayin'." 7. "If I had been around salt water during Hurricane Katrina, I woulda run out to it, started swimming in it, hit it with my bare hands, and it would've stopped, believe me." 6. "If I were God, I woulda created the world in 5 days." 5. "I...

There are only four certainties in life: 1) Death, 2) Taxes, 3) Laundry, and 4) Millennials hating Donald Trump. A recently released Pew Research poll followed this trend, as just 27% of Millennials surveyed approved of Trump's job performance, while 65% disapproved. That wasn't the case in another recently released poll, however. According to Zogby , Donald Trump's approval rating amongst Millennials is 50%, while his disapproval is at 48%. Not only that, but the pollster claims that among those aged 65 or older, the president's approval rating is at a net -12%, as 44% approve and 56% disapprove of his job performance. This Zogby poll is fifty shades of backwards. The most Democratic-leaning generation are Millennials, as 59% lean that direction, while only 32% lean Republican. On the flip-side, the Silent and Boomer generations are the most Republican-leaning, as approximately 49% lean that direction and 46% lean Democratic. Let's look at the analytics of th...

Just yesterday, Donald Trump told the world, "I really think if I'd had been there, I would have run into the school and disarmed the Parkland shooter with my bare hands." Here's a man that basically ran away from an eagle, a person shouting at a rally, and someone who was dying. He has more Vietnam deferments than Jesus has disciples. Okay, that last one may be slightly exaggerated, but you get my point. The man possesses less courage than my spayed dog has testicles. However, if he wants to play the game, Things That Would Never Happen , why should we stop there? In the future, expect Mr. Trump to state the following: - "I really think if I had been there, I would have jumped on to the iceberg and pushed the Titanic away from it with my bare hands. I really do." - "If I were God, I woulda created the world in 5 days." - "I woulda only needed a rubberband & a Blockbuster card to kill Hitler." - "I've always said th...

Do you remember that game we used to play as a kid, often referred to as telephone ? You'd start by telling the person next to you something random, like, "Johnny has a crush on Maxie." The person next to you would then supposedly spread that same message to the person next to them, and so on and so forth, until the final person in the group blurted out what he or she was told, which often times wound up being something like, "On September 22nd of 1976, a little boy named Johnny once killed an ant he called Maxie with a magnifying glass. He was then grounded for 2 weeks." Unfortunately, social movements have often times followed the same path as this childhood game and, at a certain point, the initial purpose and message appears to be lost in the midst of varying tangents. This has rung true for the Black Lives Matter movement and more recently, the Me Too movement, both of which I'm a part. I'll focus on the Me Too movement. It initially started as a ...

I recently read an editorial by  New York Times conservative columnist David Brooks and felt the need to comment on it. The article was entitled "Respect First, Then Gun Control." Some bits which stood out are as follows: - "This has been an emotional week. We greet tragedies like the school shooting in Florida with shock, sadness, mourning and grief that turns into indignation and rage. The anger inevitably gets directed at the N.R.A., those who support gun rights, and the politicians who refuse to do anything while children die." - "If there's one thing we've learned, it is that guns have become a cultural flash point in a nation that is unequal and divided. The people who defend gun rights believe that snobbish elites look down on their morals and want to destroy their culture. If we end up telling such people that they and their guns are despicable, they will just despise us back and dig in their heels." - "So if you want to stop sch...

My father got a job in Nashville a couple of months ago. Following the craziness that was the holidays and allowing him some time to get settled in, I decided to visit him this past weekend. It was my first time down south since middle school, so roughly 20 years, and my first time ever in the Volunteer State. While I think it'd be unfair to concretely label an area based on a 3-day visit, it was quite the surreal experience. Given the fact I hadn't visited SEC country since I was approximately 15 years of age and worried more about what a crush thought of me than global warming, this past weekend's visit was the first trip I'd taken to the area since I fully entered adulthood. Due to that, my observations were more detailed and keen. Here are just some of the impressions I came away with once I returned home late Sunday night. First off, while walking through the airport to greet my father, I kept having to look around me to check and make sure I was in the Nashvil...

Due to some tweets of mine, I got mentioned on three sites from around the world: https://www.rt.com/news/419418-conservative-purge-twitter-bots/ http://www.heute.at/welt/news/story/Trump-moechte-Oprah-bei-naechster-Wahl-blo-stellen-45229119 https://bazonline.ch/ausland/amerika/Kelly-liefert-sich-Gerangel-in-China-wegen-Atomkoffer/story/25506243 If you're interested in being regularly updated on my tweets, you can follow my account at this link: https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki

I had some fun with (mostly trending) hashtags on Twitter over the past week. Here are my posts, ordered from the most popular to the least popular (all my tweets can be seen here -  https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki ): 1) Trump: "Some of these Russian bots are very fine people, believe me." #TwitterLockOut #Snark 167 Likes, 39 Retweets 2) What's the difference between Dinesh D'Souza and the Tin Man? The Tin Man at least wants a heart. #GunReformNow #FloridaShooting 142 Likes, 46 Retweets 3) Dear The Donald: Feeling the constant need to insult those who criticize you isn't a sign they're insecure. It's a sign you are. "Bigly." #Oprah 138 Likes, 33 Retweets 4) #TwitterLockOut: The time when fake patriots complained about losing fake followers, claiming it was a conspiracy against a fake president, and it wasn't fake news. 115 Likes, 44 Retweets 5) The con artist formerly known as Drumpf #ThingsIdLikeToSeeImpeached 100 Li...

My latest book, LOL at the GOP - Volume 7: Obstruction of Conscience , is now available on paperback at the following link -  http://www.lulu.com/shop/craig-rozniecki/lol-at-the-gop-volume-7-obstruction-of-conscience/paperback/product-23518530.html When the book becomes available for Kindle, I'll be sure to let you all know. Thanks again to all of my dedicated readers/followers. I hope you continue to enjoy my work, that I can make you laugh, think, and abstain from smoking too much crack due to the rise of Drumpfism. Cheers!

Due to a #CouldBeatTrumpIn2020 tweet of mine, I got mentioned on Someecards . In case you're curious, you can check out the article at this link:  https://www.someecards.com/news/news/hashtag-trump-2020/ All of my tweets can be viewed here:  https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki

Over the past week, I've had some fun with the trending hashtags #DowJones, #ReplaceLoveWithAnal, and #CouldBeatTrumpIn2020. Here are my posts, ordered from the most popular to the least popular (all my tweets can be seen here - https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki ): 1) A Forbes magazine #CouldBeatTrumpIn2020. Oh, wait, I guess it already did... 586 Likes, 109 Retweets 2) Then Trump: "The Dow Jones is so unbelievable, and it's all because of me, believe me!" Now Trump: "I don't know anybody named Dow Jones. That's fake news. I did once know someone by the name of Joe Downs, though. Incredible guy, just fantastic, bigly." #DowJones 204 Likes, 83 Retweets 3) The wind #CouldBeatTrumpIn2020 69 Likes, 25 Retweets 4) Headline: "Dow Jones experiences biggest single day drop in history" 5) Trump once he breaks his silence: "Like the Nunes memo and a self-made fortune I read the other day, this totally vindicates me in the Russ...

The third and (thankfully) final installment of the Fifty Shades of Grey  series, Fifty Shades Freed , is out. To this point, critics have felt about the same about the three films as they have about the books on which they're based. Fifty Shades Freed  currently has an 11% approval rating on RottenTomatoes.com . Here are some of my favorite review headlines: - "There are unintentional laughs in the plodding, clunky story, but the biggest laugh is the one this series has had on the audience for three movies." - Adam Graham ( Detroit News ) - "If Christian Grey was ugly and worked at McDonald's he'd be either arrested or on an FBI watchlist." - Robert Kojder ( Flickering Myth ) - "I'm not certain if Fifty Shades Freed is marginally better than its predecessors, or if I've just grown accustomed to the awfulness of the franchise." - Christopher Lawrence ( Las Vegas Review-Journal ) - "Lazy, vapid, unsexy, mind-numbing and poor...

Another year and another ridiculous quarterback contract extension. This is getting to be as predictable as offensive Donald Trump tweets. This time it's the San Francisco 49ers overpaying a man behind center, as they just signed Jimmy Garoppolo to a 5-year, $137.5 million extension, making him the new highest paid player in the NFL. Of all the ridiculous quarterback contract extensions in recent years, this may be the most head-scratching and facepalm-inducing. Should the San Francisco 49ers be excited about Garoppolo, the guy who led them to a perfect 5-0 record at the tail-end of last season? Of course. Should they be prepared to pay him more money if he proves to be a consistent and successful starter? Of course. The guy has only started 7 games in his 4-year career to this point, though. Even when he led the Niners to a 5-0 record last year, Garoppolo only had a touchdown-to-interception ratio of 7:5. The 49ers haven't played a postseason game since 2013 and are now in...

In a series of posts, I will be previewing my upcoming book, LOL at the GOP - Volume 7: Obstruction of Conscience . Here is part 4 of that preview: Contents Introduction - Obstruction of Conscience – p. 8 A Fictional Foreward – p. 9 Missouri State Representative compares abortion to buying a car – p. 10 Fox News has a one-track mind – p. 11 Irony in the world of Michele Bachmann – p. 15 Rick Perry with another "oops" moment... - p. 17 Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism – p. 18 When the temperature on Earth and Mars was exactly the same... - p. 20 BREAKING NEWS: Voters to Sue House Republicans for Not Doing Anything While in Office! - p. 22 A personal ad brought to you by Louie Gohmert – p. 25 What if the Tea Party viewed parents the same way they seem to view the government? - p. 27 Michigan Governor Rick Snyder "feels your pain," or something... - p. 30 GOP: "Whatever Obama says, we say the opposite!" - p. 32 Don Jr. teaches his da...

In a series of posts, I will be previewing my upcoming book, LOL at the GOP - Volume 7: Obstruction of Conscience . Here is part 3 of that preview: A Fictional Foreward “Weak with these ones - Republicans - the source is. Fox News, the National Enquirer, Breitbart, that crazy uncle who loves conspiracy chain-emails more than dogs love bacon-flavored squeak toys, weak the source is. But the real source of all their hate, anger, and venom, the source which guides their decisions on the LGBT community, women's rights, anything and everything, the weakest source of all - their penis - is. The source that guides them their penis is. Them to launch missiles it tells, push wellbuilt male mannequins, a nice tuchus declare that a woman she has. Small with these ones the penis is. Hmm.” - Yoda Freud While awaiting my new book, feel free to check out my other works at the following two sites: Paperback: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz Kindle: https://www.amazon.com/Craig-Ro...

In a series of posts, I will be previewing my upcoming book, LOL at the GOP - Volume 7: Obstruction of Conscience . Here is part 2 of that preview: Introduction - Obstruction of Conscience Close your eyes. Wait, no, keep them open, but think about them being closed. Take forty-five deep breaths and relax. Feel the calming sounds of battle scenes from Apocalypse Now in the background. Now listen to the soothing screams of Republican leaders: “Facts are fake!;” “Money is the root of all happiness!;” “Jesus died for corporations!;” “Gays must pay!;” “Guns over blood!;” “Fight for life until birth!;” “Mexicans are taco-bowl rapists!;” “You can’t spell terrorist without Muslim!;” and “God’s creation was made for pollution!” Obstruction of conscience through hypnosis is basically how the modern-day Republican Party has brainwashed their most ardent supporters. The party has essentially become A Clockwork Orange in reverse, as instead of using hypnosis and brainwashing to help rehab an ...

In a series of posts, I will be previewing my upcoming book, LOL at the GOP - Volume 7: Obstruction of Conscience . Here is part 1 of that preview: Back cover "I don't trust myself alone with this book." - Mike Pence "I haven't read this yet, but it totally vindicates me." - Donald Trump "I may have to spank the president with this." - A porn star named after a weather pattern "This book has more to do with our rises than Mr. Trump." - Dow Jones "I just saw it and already like it better than my husband." - Melania Trump "I see a memo in its future." - A psychic who goes by the name Devin Nunes "I read this book just last night. Unfortunately, I cannot recall anything about it." - Jeff Sessions "His shot is so off, it reminds me of the time my cousin Jim Bob aimed at a target off in the distance and shot himself in the Confederate flag tattoo he's got on his face." - NRA lifer ...

I just completed my latest book, LOL at the GOP - Volume 7: Obstruction of Conscience , and the proof copy is on its way! I'll be certain to keep all my readers up-to-date on the publishing process. In the meantime, you can check out my other books at the following links:  Paperback:  http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/thetaoofroz Kindle:  https://www.amazon.com/Craig-Rozniecki/e/B00JBQ95LO

Due to three of my #YoMemoJokes tweets, I got mentioned on KATS 94.5 , which can be seen here:  http://katsfm.com/yomemojokes-is-trending-as-twitter-mocks-political-memo/ If curious, the rest of my tweets can be seen here:  https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki

I had some fun with the trending hashtag #YoMemoJokes on Twitter the other day. Here are my posts, ordered from the most popular to the least popular (all my tweets can be seen here - https://twitter.com/CraigRozniecki ): 1) Yo memo is so biased, Fox News is calling it fair and balanced. #YoMemoJokes 672 Likes, 188 Retweets 2) Yo memo is so dirty, not even Stormy Daniels will spank it with a Forbes magazine. #YoMemoJokes 249 Likes, 58 Retweets 3) Yo memo is so stupid, Trump University won't even accept it. #YoMemoJokes 244 Likes, 54 Retweets 4) Yo memo is so ridiculous, Sean Hannity asked it to be his co-host. #YoMemoJokes 221 Likes, 47 Retweets 5) Yo memo is so crazy, it's reached the front pages of Breitbart, the National Enquirer, and Rush Limbaugh's prescription list. #YoMemoJokes 190 Likes, 58 Retweets 6) Yo memo is so worthless, The Dollar Store used it as toilet paper. #YoMemoJokes 141 Likes, 35 Retweets 7) Yo memo is so false, Politifact gr...