In a fairly unsurprising move, due to the House Speaker's recent decisions or lack there of, CNN has reported that Paul Ryan's balls have created an eHarmony account, as they seek a new owner. In case anyone is interested, as is written in BallessTestes' eHarmony profile, Paul Ryan's soon-to-be ex-balls are looking for the following:
"All we're seeking from a new partner is not to be neglected. Our current owner doesn't even seem to notice we're there anymore. He doesn't even say hello like he used to while watching Ayn Rand interviews. We'll even go so far as to say, due to the lack of attention we received from our original owner, you can overcompensate and use us to the extreme. No, don't go reverse-Christian Grey on us, but make us work while we're living! We're sick of being the stay-at-home parent without any children to take care of! Do what our current owner never does and actually use us to stand up for what you believe in, stand up for what is right, and get things, as well as people, done once in a while! Yes, we like long walks on the beach, but if, before that long walk, you take a picture of yourself lifting weights while wearing a red hat on backwards and grinning like Screech Powers from Saved By the Bell, I'm afraid this relationship is not going to work. Just sayin'."
"All we're seeking from a new partner is not to be neglected. Our current owner doesn't even seem to notice we're there anymore. He doesn't even say hello like he used to while watching Ayn Rand interviews. We'll even go so far as to say, due to the lack of attention we received from our original owner, you can overcompensate and use us to the extreme. No, don't go reverse-Christian Grey on us, but make us work while we're living! We're sick of being the stay-at-home parent without any children to take care of! Do what our current owner never does and actually use us to stand up for what you believe in, stand up for what is right, and get things, as well as people, done once in a while! Yes, we like long walks on the beach, but if, before that long walk, you take a picture of yourself lifting weights while wearing a red hat on backwards and grinning like Screech Powers from Saved By the Bell, I'm afraid this relationship is not going to work. Just sayin'."
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