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The Top Ten Things I Expect to See at King Trump's State of the Union Address Tonight

The Top Ten Things I Expect to See at King Trump's State of the Union Address Tonight

10. On at least one occasion, Trump will brag, "I only fire the best people, just the best people, folks."

9. Trump will coin the term "cryptilfluffernickel."

8. Instead of a standing ovation, any time Congressional Republicans want to cheer in response to their Dear Leader's rhetoric, they start (or perhaps continue) masturbating. (Exception being Lauren Boebert, who jerks off whomever is next to her.)

7. Trump gets erect any time he utters the words 'Russia' or 'Putin.' Luckily for us, no one will be able to witness this. Yes, it's that small.

6. Melania will create an account on the dating site, "AnythingButThis.com."

5. House Speaker Mike Johnson places a Burger King crown on Trump's melon, and Drumpf then goes on about how it's "the biggest, strongest, most expensive crown the world has ever known." He then proceeds to eat and spout countless Whoppers.

4. In consecutive sentences, Trump will utter the following: 1) "Free speech for all," 2) "Death to anti-Israel protesters," and "You know who did some good things? Hitler. No one ever talks about it, because of that mustache, but he was a fine person, on both sides, on both sides."

3. For the 9,776,219th time, Trump will prove he doesn't know the meaning of the word 'tariff,' as he proudly proclaims, "As al-Qaeda is a 'prim' example of this, we don't negotiate with tariffs!"

2. Trump's "hair" will fall off his head; begin to fly; resemble a bat; and begin shouting, "I started COVID, suckers!"

1. (drumroll) All televisions in the country will be hacked, with the image of Vladimir Putin and Elon Musk laughing, as they walk Donald Trump on a choke-collar, and appearing are the words, "Just because you're not in prison, doesn't mean you're not somebody's b*tch."

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