Transcript for Podcast: "I Feel Snitty," Episode 79: "'Clue': Trumponavirus Edition - Part 1 ('This is what could have happened.')", is now available!
Podcast: I Feel Snitty
Episode 79: "Clue": Trumponavirus Edition - Part 1 ("This is what could have happened.")
Premiere Date: 10/8/20
Length: 5:06 (871 words)
Transcript:
Welcome to I Feel Snitty, episode 79, entitled, "'Clue': Trumponavirus Edition - Part 1 ('This is what could have happened.')" I’m your host, Craig Rozniecki.
So, it was reported last Thursday that Donald Trump had contracted COVID, or did he? He and his doctors have been less transparent than a steel wall built and paid for by Mexico. There have been so many questions left unanswered, a growing number of people seem to believe Trump and his team simply concocted his diagnosis, in order to divert the media’s attention away from Trump’s juvenile debate performance and his tax returns. Due to this, I ran a poll on Twitter, asking whether or not people actually thought Trump had ever contracted COVID.
Of 620 participants, here were the results:
- 217 or 35.0% said yes, he had contracted the virus
- 216 or 34.8% said no, he never did contract the virus
- and 187 or 30.2% weren’t sure whether or not he ever contracted COVID
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a poll so evenly split in thirds. In other words, no one seems to be completely certain of Trump’s actual health; when or whether or not he caught COVID, and if he has endangered lives since potentially contracting the virus.
So, due to this high level of uncertainty, I thought it might be fun to play off the cult-comedy classic, “Clue,” and its multiple endings, to better analyze all the possibilities of Trump’s alleged battle with COVID.
Here is part 1: “This is what could have happened.”
Trump: “What is this? Why am I breathing heavy? It’s not sex. I haven’t done that in like 10 years, and even then, I’m not sure it counted. That mannequin was so not a 10. I better call that guy who plays a doctor on TV.”
Dr. Conley: “Hello?”
Trump: “Hey, doc. You’re welcome for calling so late.”
Dr. Conley: “Um, thanks?”
Trump: “I already said you’re welcome. Anyway, I’m breathing heavy and I didn’t even have sex. What gives?”
Dr. Conley: “What other symptoms are you experiencing?”
Trump: “My throat hurts, but that’s probably just from tweeting so much.”
Dr. Conley: “Was that a cough I heard?”
Trump: “That’s my singing voice. I was a telegram once.”
Dr. Conley: “Really?”
Trump: “No, but I did one once. She only costed $5.”
Dr. Conley: “Alright then. So, moving on, do you have a fever?”
Trump: “Not sure. I was wondering if you could tell me.”
Dr. Conley: “Well, not over the phone.”
Trump: “What good are you then?”
Dr. Conley: “I could stop by and take your temperature.”
Trump: “Oh, okay. Maybe you’re worth something after all. Just make sure you do it anally.”
Dr. Conley: “Excuse me?”
Trump: “Oh, nothing. Come over already!”
Dr. Conley: “Okay, it appears you do have a fever. I’m sorry, sir, but I think I’m going to need to test you for COVID.”
Trump: “Fine.”
Dr. Conley: “What are you doing?”
Trump: “You’re testing me for COVID, right?”
Dr. Conley: “That’s not how the test is given. Pull your pants up.”
Trump: “Oh, okay. Well, do it already.”
Dr. Conley: “Well, it appears as if you do indeed have COVID. You’re going to need to self-quarantine for two weeks.”
Trump: “Why would I make quarters for two weeks? I don’t even use change. You’ll never see me at the penny sluts; that I can tell you.”
Dr. Conley: “No, you’re going to need to take extra precautions for the next couple of weeks, to make certain you get to feeling better and you don’t spread this to others. So, you’ll need to wear a mask; practice social-distancing; wash your hands a bunch; and basically be in isolation for a couple of weeks.”
Trump: “Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
Dr. Conley: “Would you like to be taken to Walter Reed?”
Trump: “The place that treated me after my mini-golf strokes?”
Dr. Conley: “Yes.”
Trump: “Only if it’s a rally with 500,000 people, minimum.”
Dr. Conley: “You’re going to need to take a break from all of that, Mr. President. Not only would that be bad for other people’s health and well-being, but it’d also be bad for yours.”
Trump: “Just give me lots of drugs: Steroids, Dimetapp, Desitin, Pepto Bismol, Viagra, Clorox, MyPillow.”
Dr. Conley: “The only way we can do that is by going to Walter Reed – except for the MyPillow bit. I suppose we could just place shards of glass inside your pillowcase and call it a day, but I don’t think that’d be the wisest decision.”
Trump: “Fine, I’ll jog there.”
Dr. Conley: “No. Do you remember why you called me? Heavy breathing. Jogging would be a very bad idea. I recommend transporting you via helicopter.”
Trump: “Fine, but I’ll need to get dressed and look presentable. Go get me my make-up people; my tanning bed; and my Oompa Loompa spray-tanning machine, stat!”
Dr. Conley: “Very well. How much time will you need?”
Trump: “Oh, just 4 hours.”
…and scene…
That’s it for today’s episode. I’ll see you again next week. Until then, you can check me out on Podbean, Twitter, Amazon, and Blogger. This has been I Feel Snitty with Craig Rozniecki. Take care.
Comments
Post a Comment