What I learned in Week 14 of the NFL season

In Week 14 of the NFL season, I learned that...

- ...you should never ride passenger with Patrick Mahomes behind the wheel, for he sees "Wrong Way" signs not as a law, but as a challenge.

- ..., Cam Newton looks so old on the field nowadays, he makes 43-year-old Tom Brady look young. Head coach Bill Belichick agrees.

- ...the New York Jets are so bad, when the players' mothers talk to friends about their sons, they say they play for the Giants.

- ...LA Chargers head coach Anthony Lynn is so bad with time, sexists now refer to him as Lynn Anthony.

- ...Chase Young was so frighteningly dominant on Sunday, he's been placed at the very top of the FBI's "Most Wanted" list.

- ..., there were so many missed kicks on Sunday, NFL RedZone should have just played Bob Uecker on a loop, saying, "Just a bit outside. Tried the crossbar and missed."

- ...it should be law for the kids of Pittsburgh Steelers receivers to wear helmets whenever in the players' presence, for the odds are high they'll be dropped.

- ...the San Francisco 49ers are so beat up, there's a petition going around to temporarily rename them the 86ers.

- ...New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones is so careless with his balls, he's been nicknamed No Nuts McJones.

- ...Taysom Hill isn't far behind Jones there, as Weird Al is rumored to working on a Fats Domino parody about the Saints "quarterback," entitled, "Vasectomy Hill."