The Kind-Hearted Smart Aleck

"This is Will Ferrell, coming to you live from Compton, California, with the premiere of the brand-new game show, 'Guess Who?' In this game, we will try to get to know presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama a little better. For this episode, we asked both of them a series of questions and the three contestants will have to guess which candidate provided us with these very answers. The questions will range from something political to something personal. The two candidates' voices will be masked with a program which makes them both sound like the one, the only Bobcat Goldthwait. Whomever comes up with the most correct answers will win our grand prize - a week's worth of free wings at Hooters. Now, let's meet our contestants. She's single. She's from Compton. Here she is - Melissa! You look familiar, Melissa. Do you happen to work at Hooters?" Melissa: "For going on 10 years strong!" Ferrell: "Your folks must be very p...

On the front of my '80s-rocker costume (I simply called it - Craig on a Saturday night, because let's be honest - that's how I always dress on Saturdays) was a sign I created which said, "Hey baby, wanna be my groupie?" and on the back, I created a top ten list of groupie disqualifiers. Here they are: My Top Ten Groupie Disqualifiers 10) You've slept with one of the following people: Gene Simmons, Wilt Chamberlain, Mister Rogers or The Pope. 9) After sleeping with you, 94% of guys immediately look at you, begin to cry and then say, "I think I might be gay." 8) You think Kama (comma) Sutra is a kind of punctuation used in India.  7) You've been cordially greeted by multiple sumo wrestlers, as they feel you're one of them. 6) Debbie Downer is forced to take Prozac before, during and after speaking to you.  5) You have what is known as golf-enthusiast's Tourette's syndrome in the bedroom, as just before forn...