If there's one thing we learned from the 2012 elections, it's that many male Republican candidates appear to have difficulty talking to or about women in a respectful manner.
Todd Akin - "If it's a legitimate rape..."
Richard Mourdock - "[Children via rape] are a gift from God."
Those are just two of the many examples of male Republican candidates failing the class Smooth-Talking Women 101.
In light of all these troubles, the National Republican Congressional Committee is offering tutorials to male staffers and candidates on how to better talk to and about women in a respectful manner in preparation for the 2014 elections.
In light of this bit of news, I thought I'd attempt to provide some assistance to these Republican staffers and candidates.
- When the topic of abortion comes up, simply say, "I don't have a giant hole down there, so I'm not sure I should be answering that question. You all know how I feel about this, but I'm going to remain silent on it from this point forward, just like a woman should when having a baby. Okay, this silence will be starting...now..."
- If you ever accidentally utter the word "rape" and find yourself tempted of saying it's okay in certain circumstances, either slam your right fist down and say, "Rapists should all burn in hell!" or attempt to divert attention away from the slippage of that word and start talking about your love for Jesus. Amen.
- Even if you don't support equal-pay for women, when that topic surfaces, simply say, "Look, work is like sex. In my time, it's the man that does all the work in bed and the woman just lays there. Why should the woman get paid as much as a man just for laying there while he's busy plugging the hole?" Okay, I'm just joshing. What you should really say is, "I support hard-working Americans, no matter what the gender! Male, female, shemale, gays, and even lesbians! Those are all different genders, right? Okay then!"
- When speaking to a woman, make certain to look into or at least near her eyes, even if she's a foot shorter or taller than you. If she's extremely attractive, attempt to look just to the left or right of her face so that you don't receive too many dirty thoughts and ask if she wants to get a room with you at a Holiday Inn after the debate. Women are typically good at picking up on these tricks, so perhaps alternate looking in the direction of her face and looking down, as if you're deep in thought or you're reading notecards which aren't actually there. If she later asks why you were looking down after she observes there were no notecards, just say, "Your beauty distracted me and I was just making sure my boner wasn't too obvious. It wasn't, was it?" That or you could just nod, smile, and continually say things such as: "Okay," "Alright then," "Will do," "Uh-huh," "Sure," "Certainly," and "Far out, man."
- Also, please keep in mind that women actually work now, go to college, earn money, support themselves, and are continuing to improve both educationally and financially. So, never make a statement which starts with, "When I was growing up, women...," because that won't end well. Other phrases to avoid include: "Women belong in the...," "Women are only good at...," "Women are just...," "Women's hormones are...," and "Women be b*tches and hos."
There you have it, Republican staffers and candidates. If you follow these guidelines, you shall be well on your way to not offending 95% of women in this country! Best of luck, and please remember, if you don't have anything intelligent to say, don't say anything at all. Thanks.
http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2013/12/05/3024231/gop-classes-women/
Todd Akin - "If it's a legitimate rape..."
Richard Mourdock - "[Children via rape] are a gift from God."
Those are just two of the many examples of male Republican candidates failing the class Smooth-Talking Women 101.
In light of all these troubles, the National Republican Congressional Committee is offering tutorials to male staffers and candidates on how to better talk to and about women in a respectful manner in preparation for the 2014 elections.
In light of this bit of news, I thought I'd attempt to provide some assistance to these Republican staffers and candidates.
- When the topic of abortion comes up, simply say, "I don't have a giant hole down there, so I'm not sure I should be answering that question. You all know how I feel about this, but I'm going to remain silent on it from this point forward, just like a woman should when having a baby. Okay, this silence will be starting...now..."
- If you ever accidentally utter the word "rape" and find yourself tempted of saying it's okay in certain circumstances, either slam your right fist down and say, "Rapists should all burn in hell!" or attempt to divert attention away from the slippage of that word and start talking about your love for Jesus. Amen.
- Even if you don't support equal-pay for women, when that topic surfaces, simply say, "Look, work is like sex. In my time, it's the man that does all the work in bed and the woman just lays there. Why should the woman get paid as much as a man just for laying there while he's busy plugging the hole?" Okay, I'm just joshing. What you should really say is, "I support hard-working Americans, no matter what the gender! Male, female, shemale, gays, and even lesbians! Those are all different genders, right? Okay then!"
- When speaking to a woman, make certain to look into or at least near her eyes, even if she's a foot shorter or taller than you. If she's extremely attractive, attempt to look just to the left or right of her face so that you don't receive too many dirty thoughts and ask if she wants to get a room with you at a Holiday Inn after the debate. Women are typically good at picking up on these tricks, so perhaps alternate looking in the direction of her face and looking down, as if you're deep in thought or you're reading notecards which aren't actually there. If she later asks why you were looking down after she observes there were no notecards, just say, "Your beauty distracted me and I was just making sure my boner wasn't too obvious. It wasn't, was it?" That or you could just nod, smile, and continually say things such as: "Okay," "Alright then," "Will do," "Uh-huh," "Sure," "Certainly," and "Far out, man."
- Also, please keep in mind that women actually work now, go to college, earn money, support themselves, and are continuing to improve both educationally and financially. So, never make a statement which starts with, "When I was growing up, women...," because that won't end well. Other phrases to avoid include: "Women belong in the...," "Women are only good at...," "Women are just...," "Women's hormones are...," and "Women be b*tches and hos."
There you have it, Republican staffers and candidates. If you follow these guidelines, you shall be well on your way to not offending 95% of women in this country! Best of luck, and please remember, if you don't have anything intelligent to say, don't say anything at all. Thanks.
http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2013/12/05/3024231/gop-classes-women/
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